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Teenage Sex on the sly

September 7, 2006
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Dating, love affairs…and even pre-marital sex is no longer taboo amongst today’s teenagers. Not even in conservative cities. True, one may not see many boys and girls openly holding hands on the main roads or kissing in parked cars but many affairs are conducted on the sly…without the knowledge of parents. Parental disapproval and society’s contempt often drives friendship and romance with the opposite sex underground! Boys and girls from even traditional families are dating but secrecy is the name of the game.

Rohit, 18, is having a secret love affair. He comes from a conservative Gujarati family as does his 16-year old girlfriend. ‘No one knows,’ he confesses, ‘but we think that’s exciting.’ They usually seek out deserted move halls or unknown cafes while both their parents’ are under the impression that they are out in a group. Their group covers for them. Love letters and cards are exchanged through common friends, and calls are made from cells.

If there are any guilt pangs for this elaborate deceit, they are suppressed by the overwhelming needs of these youngsters, needs which are no longer considered immoral. ‘I slept with my husband before marriage,’ admits Neelima, ‘we couldn’t stop ourselves.’ She even admits that she had to have an abortion once. ‘It was an accident and I don’t think I did anything wrong. There is no point bringing an unwanted baby into this world.’ Neelima’s attitude towards pre-marital sex does not reflect her background, as she was brought up in an extremely conservative Marwari family with plenty of restrictions. This perhaps alienated her from her parents. ‘I was not close to either of them,’ she says.

This lack of closeness, of belonging and warmth, often pushes teenagers into the warmth of sexual relationships. Dr. S.K. Som, psychiatrist, says, ‘First of all, there is nothing wrong or abnormal in teenagers having love affairs or going steady. In fact love is natural, given the circumstances.’ However, less time is devoted to children than before and in nuclear families there are often no substitute parents either. Further, there is a lot about sex in the media today. All this tempts teens to experiment. Sometimes it can go very wrong. ‘It is only when romantic relationships lead to problems like unwanted pregnancies, early marriages, eloping or emotional disturbances, that it can become problematic. Mostly I have seen parents worry far more than necessary,’ he says. Dr. Som has counseled both boys and girls disturbed by broken love affairs.
In contrast, Dr. Jayant Kumar Chakravarty, a child specialist, advocates greater restriction on free mixing. ‘Teenagers want to experiment without thinking of the consequences,’ he says.

If parents are worried about their kids, then they should make sure that the lines of communication with their child is kept open. Take the case of Mahesh. Sixteen years old and desperately in love with a girl, he completely changed his attitude after a chat with his girl-friend’s mother. She called him over and explained to him the futility of his love and the fact that there was no future in the relationship. What she did not do however was ridicule his desires which she felt were quite normal for his age. After a long chat with the broadminded lady, Mahesh decided to stop pressurising the girl to commit herself to him and he left the house a much happier person. He admits that he could never have had a talk with his own parents.

As far as teenage ethics go (at least amongst middle and upper classes) dating and being in love are acceptable, even desirable behavior. Holding hands, kissing, petting are accepted too. In fact teenagers with boyfriends and girl-friends are the butt of envy.

If a teenager does not have either romance or sex in his or her life, there could be many reasons for it – but it is certainly not peer pressure. He or she may be introverted, afraid of being caught, lack opportunity or maybe busy with studies.

It is also a mistake for parents to think that sexual maturing has not taken place – that teenagers are not ready physically. In fact girls are conscious of their sexuality from the age of 12. They inspect themselves intently in mirrors, taken pains over their appearance, and observe boys with interest. Boy look at girl’s bodies and become conscious of their own. We have to remember that in ancient times children married early. While this is not desirable, possible or practical now, we cannot halt the sexual rebellion amongst the young. No matter how much parents rave and rant about the evils of western influences, and the decline of Indian culture, the facts are that the desire to interact and romance the opposite sex is natural and has always existed in India! By denying the existence of such natural feelings parents are alienating their children.

(Article published in The Telegraph, Calcutta.)

(Note: Although the names of the teenagers are pseudonyms (Rajashree Dasgupta from the Telegraph allowed me that leeway for this piece) all the statements and backgrounds of the people interviewed are true. In fact I did not include an important interview due to a lack of space (restrictions of the number of words in a newspaper article) – that of an eighty year old gentleman. He told me that too much fuss was being made about premarital sex. It was not a modern affliction, he said, it existed in his day and age too. He lost his virginity at age 17 he said, several years before marraige and it wasn’t with a prostitute. This was the first time he was confessing it to anyone though. The only change now (he told me) is that sex has been dragged out into the open and youngsters do not pretend its wrong. This is a good thing according to him because it could be the beginning of the end of hypocrisy.

Totally I interviewed many more families, but all of them could not be accommodated here (and in any case many said the similar things as the others). But I did get a good understanding of the subject.) For further reading you can read Age of Consent in India on this blog.

Related Reading: The culture vultures hate pre-marital sex
What kills a marriage or partnership quicker: an emotional affair or a physical one?
Indian teenagers are serious about relationships
A research study on Indian youth shows how conservative they really are
Internet marraige bureaus thriving in India
Some boys have a myopic view of girls but this can be changed if they are young enough
Keeping sex undercover leads to widespread ignorance of the health aspect

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77 Comments leave one →
  1. September 8, 2006 1:28 am

    Yes, completely agree that sexual maturing has taken on. But so has the slipping tendency and lack of willpower :) he he it’s an endless debate Nita, so don’t even bother responding :D because no one really knows what’s right.

    • Anon Indian Woman permalink
      March 30, 2010 4:30 am

      Why, exactly, is sex outside of marriage wrong in and of itself? Why *should* we have self control when it comes to sexual desires? As long as the parties are enthusiastically consenting adults (or young-adults of comparable ages), as long as they’re using condoms and birth control, as long as abortions are legal, accessible, cheap and safe… What exactly is the harm in people having as much sex as they like with whomever they like?

      • Jinx permalink
        April 2, 2011 10:24 pm

        You said it sistah! Completely agree with that!

      • June 22, 2011 10:55 am

        @Anon Indian Woman In hindsight would you have liked to be aborted?

        • BBD-Lite permalink
          August 7, 2012 3:34 am

          Off topic but a male releases millions of sperm per ejaculation… so if you think about it millions are being “aborted” naturally anyway, no? It’s a really strange question, but I feel that if someone decides to go for an abortion, there must be a good reason for doing so, so if this were the case yes I would have liked to be aborted. I would not want to be the cause of someone else’s misery.

      • suzanne kruger permalink
        April 21, 2012 4:09 pm

        i totally agree with this statement, its a good question??

  2. January 10, 2007 4:00 pm

    Good one Nita . Premarital sex was there from thousands of years , but it was very less ..But now as days , due to degrading Indian Standards , movies , media , busy life shedules of parents ,it has become quite normal these days ..

  3. Spadika permalink
    January 19, 2007 6:56 pm

    Well pre marital sex is not only ‘against our culture’, its just not done. Maybe if the couple are really into each other, it might be fine. I am 13 years old and I say that teen relationships however, are perfectly fine among teenagers!!!! in fact, teen dating can actually be consedered safer than adults. Because as a teenager, you are likely to go out with a person who is from ur school, and by the time you grow up, you would hv learnt the basics and skills and everything. If you start dating as an adult, well its not really safe to go out with a grown up guy you dont know, is it?????

    • suzanne kruger permalink
      April 21, 2012 4:12 pm

      Spadika, well at your age (13) i should hope that sex is not on your mind but if your get older and meet the right one you might change your opinion on this, i know as im quiet a bit older than you..:-)

  4. January 19, 2007 7:24 pm

    That’s a very mature statement from you Spadika. You are right, if two young teens go out together there is less chance that any one of them will take advantage of the other.
    In any case even if the boy or girl is your own age, going out with someone you don’t know is risky.

  5. ravikiran permalink
    January 22, 2007 8:52 am

    I think that the restrictions of culture put a lot of our young guys in school and college and made them to work harder especially in subjects like maths and science.
    So i am for restrictions on young impressionable minds for as long as they start making mature decisions.
    It is terrible in the west with girls becomming mothers at a young age and abortion clinics being full of work.

  6. January 22, 2007 9:00 am

    In India we have a problem with early marraige/child marraige. There are unicef statistics to prove this in case you doubt my word. Few people in rural India bother about the legal age for marraige.
    So what I am saying is this: each and every society has it’s problems and they have people who are trying to do something about it.
    As for us: we cannot move forward unless we face the issues.

  7. Deepak permalink
    March 24, 2007 4:40 pm

    Yes, u r very much right. I just want to convey that teennagers irrespective of rural or urban areas engaged in sexual relations is not a new one. I think it is more in rural areas than urban because in urban areas like metropolitan, teennage boys or girls are more aware of these things and they freely discuss with eachother and i think that doesn’t provoke them much to practice. However, a girl or boy in a village where the real culture lies becomes more confined without expressing it with anyone that resulted in practicing more often.

    you may find my opinion a bit conflicting…

  8. March 24, 2007 5:11 pm

    Not at all. I get you. You are saying that sex/dating happens more in rural areas. I am not too sure myself. All I can say is that in urban areas dating is far more open than in rural areas.

  9. Phantom permalink
    April 1, 2007 8:40 am

    Hey hey hey, if a young couple are into each other, care for each other and want to explore the physical side to their relationship, then they should have the freedom and liberty to do so, without made to feel guilty or immoral.

    From a culture where the ancient indians celeberated the act of love making, celeberated it as a beautiful and natural event, one to be respected and enjoyed, modern class indian society has come to become very prudish about sex. I mean, the 1 bn people in the country didn’t come about by accident, sex was involvd, whether the moral police likes it or now.

    I’m always more about the intentions and considerations driving an action rather than just the action. So while I’m not against the conept of pre-marital sex, I do feel it needs to be undertaken in an environement of complete and mutual consensus. In particular, the girl shoudl definitely not feel that she needs to paticapate in sex just for the guy to like her, to fit in amongst her peers. Similarly the guy needs to understand the implications within our modern society of a girl being involved in a physical relation, and should respect the girl for that.

    Yes, an undesirable by product of pre-marital sex is unwanted pregancies etc…but the trick to avoid these isn’t to condemn the act of sex but to generate a genuine understanding amoung the youth of the acr of sex, it implications and responsibilities (both phyical and emotional).

  10. krenim permalink
    June 13, 2007 12:14 pm

    Ahem! Well its not for me to comment but basically if two people like each other and are mature enough which btw has nothing to do with age after ~15 say and are careful, discreet and generally civilized about the whole thing then frankly its no one’s business.

    We in the west went through pretty much the same thing in the 60’s after we came up with the pill so….

  11. [sylenzed.nuke] permalink
    September 23, 2007 7:48 pm

    Well, now this is coming from a Indian teenager living in Mumbai here.

    I really think that there are way less disadvantages in teenage relationships than what the culture or the media and various prejudices portray. Love is natural and you can’t stop it.

    I don’t really have a problem with couples my age going out (14/15 yoa) if they are really into each other which IS very much possible as maturity doesn’t come with age. That’s really not a problem. I know a 16 year old couple who have been best friends since childhood and going out since 3 years and it’s going on very much fine for them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that. To be really honest sometimes most of the “love” we think adult are in, is basically lust, compatibility, insecurity or rather a burden on them. So generalizing teen relationships as bad is just purely hypocritical.

    Now comes the sex part. I do believe that sex before the age of 16 can cause physical harm in the long-run to a person, but apart from that. I won’t mind that 16 year old couple having sex with each other. If they are physically AND mentally mature enough to handle a physical relationship, I don’t see a problem with that at all. Infact, against popular belief, having a physical relationship I’ve seen made the teens all the more mature. And screw religion and culture, we had our Gods and Goddesses having incest and things like Kama Sutra and here we become so prudish on this topic!

    But I am completely against pre-marital sex with faulty intentions. It’s like the fad now in (and mind you fads aren’t what teens develop on their own, it’s sold to them) teenagers to have a partner and have sex even if they know they aren’t even mature enough to have healthy friendships. I am against having sex just to prove how good you can score with a girl or how wanted you are by the boys. That’s just plain dumb. It’s rather the intention that matters, not the act.

    And now if the elderly so whine on and on and on about their kids going into “wrong” directions. They are the ones to blame. Kids should be EDUCATED on this topic, not kept AWAY from them just for the sake of “security”. It’s the curiosity that leads most teenagers into getting false notions of these things. And that’s what leads teenagers into porn and many other things like that. It’s not their fault, it’s their curiosity, which could’ve been taken care of with proper guidance and education SINCE childhood. 10 year olds watch porn and you expect no child to be mature enough atleast by the age of 13 to know about sex? Wow.

    Educate them, guide them towards the more mature part rather than living in denial and letting them take up something wrong on their own.

  12. September 24, 2007 10:08 am

    Hey sylenzed.nuke, thanks for that comment! Its a mature viewpoint. I agree that our society is way too prudish! However I just want to say that teenagers who get into relationships for the wrong reasons (as you pointed out so well) usually do not think they are doing it for the wrong reasons…so who is to be judge? Thats the difficult part.

  13. [sylenzed.nuke] (Falak, my real name.) permalink
    September 24, 2007 9:59 pm

    Well I agree that they do not think that it’s wrong.

    1) They aren’t told it’s wrong. I mean parents need to be open about sex and AIDS to their children and tell them what’s wrong and what’s right.
    2) Sex sells. Now we have to accept it, all those stupid stuff we see in our home-grown-common-threat under the guise of free speech is utter bullshit. Fake standards, stupid dumb fads, dumb-blonde-cheerleaders-filled-with-dicks-in-their-heads, boys-without-hairgel-feel-like-they’re-without-underwears, talent-less people with 50 kg gold chains on their necks spewing homophobia and promiscuous sex ’cause it’s “cool” to act like that.

    And people say listening to Punk rock and Heavy/Death Metal is bad… I can just laugh at peoples prejudices while the stuff they applaud is infecting their own kids.

    We teach our kids to have popular idols and now we can’t blame them if they didn’t find the right ones.

    It’s compelling, persuading, compliance, broadcasting… Low self-esteem, the perfect sellers dream.

  14. September 24, 2007 10:28 pm

    Hey sylenzed.nuke, you are bang on! What we need is open discussion between parents and their teenage kids about this issue! You have a lot to say. Thanks for visiting again. :)

  15. September 24, 2007 11:05 pm

    Sex education, adapted to Indian society and culture, is the way forward. Many good points have already been mentioned.

    I just wanted to add that culture is not static, but dynamic and evolving. As for the reasons behind why Indian society is prudish today when we have temples with erotic art etc., there are some theories about invaders and rulers – both Mughal and British – that brought along their values and imposed them.

    I’d just be a bit cautious to present the erotica in our past as a reason or justification for being more sexually open today – do we really want to adopt everything from the past without evaluating it first whether it is practical today? I’d rather argue it from the POV of healthy individuals and healthy societies, less hypocrisy and what’s relevant today. The erotic past can be used as a reason to deflate the arguments of morality police though.

  16. Vivek Khadpekar permalink
    September 25, 2007 6:11 am

    Sylenzed.nuke,

    //It’s compelling, persuading, compliance, broadcasting… Low self-esteem, the perfect sellers dream.//

    I guess I am considerably out of my depth here, but something you said touched a chord. I think what you are saying applies not only to sex but to a whole lot of other things that people — young and not-so-young — engage in just because they feel they have to conform. They abdicate independent thinking, judgement and even emotions, to the dictates of fads peer pressure, to the desperate need to look “cool” and “with it”.

    And you are right. We do many of these things just because they are “sold” to us as being desirable. By succumbing to the pressure to buy, we end up selling ourselves.

    I am not capable of sponaneously using your kind of colourful language (and I don’t have to prove to anyone that I am a “cool, with-it guy”), but I do appreciate your thinking. I hope there are many more young people who think like you do (i.e. who think, period).

  17. September 25, 2007 10:32 am

    Amit, yes that is true, every society has to change and evolve and taking something from the past blindly, aping people whom live in a different cultural milieu or even rejecting natural instincts is not the way forward. I think what is important is not to deny the basic nature of human beings and discuss these things openly, without hypocrisy or severe judgments.

  18. Shailesh permalink
    November 22, 2007 3:31 am

    Bold topic and bold comments I was also teen once in my life like everyone; and I also had desire and feelings and love ofcourse but still I never thought why it is not possible to have premarital sex. But now time is changing and we are constantly becoming obsolete everyday :) .Indian youths are also not behind and I am seriously not surprised because what I thought in my youth; they are doing it.

    But I hate when youth don’t respect woman like I read one blog and it was disgusting to see crowd behaved with that couple on Ganesh festival; this is totally unacceptable for a matured society and this only bring shame to country and its people.

    We need to exercise control on ourself and I think what I did in my youth is better than what is happening now.
    Thats my conclusion on this topic.

  19. December 14, 2007 3:00 am

    This is, perhaps, one of your best…

    I just wanted to address something that was said in one of the comments, which I felt was slightly hypocritical.

    It said something about “Right and wrong” and how it is the duty of the parents to educate their children.

    a) Right and wrong is relative. In fact all this talk about morals, IMO, is a load of crap. It is nothing more than a control mechanism. In a society that has no rules against statutory rape, who are we to decide if sex for the heck of it, between consenting teenagers is wrong? What you may think of as a wrong reason, might be justifiable for someone else.

    b) If the kids are stupid enough to not give a damn about safe sex practices, then I just seem to look at it as natural selection. That is, after all how evolution works. Just to make the distinction, I am not looking at this from a “moral” point of view.

  20. December 14, 2007 7:32 am

    I too am suspicious about talks of morals, as I think people go overboard while talking about this. I think we need to teach our kids not to hurt others, that is the only morality that I can identify with. But right and wrong can be used without being attached to morality. wrong for oneself, or right for oneself…

  21. December 14, 2007 2:45 pm

    “I think we need to teach our kids not to hurt others, that is the only morality that I can identify with.”

    This I can agree with. But the abstract definition of morality is something I can never agree with. As I have said, I consider it yet another control mechanism to herd our minds.

  22. preeti permalink
    December 18, 2007 4:26 pm

    i think the teenagers should be educated about sex rather than just restricting them from it

  23. saranblog permalink
    December 18, 2007 6:37 pm

    hiiiii…your blog is very nice..the review is so good.. i have blogrolled u…hope u reciprocate

  24. December 18, 2007 7:08 pm

    @saranblog:

    Thanks Saran, I appreciate it. However I have no idea where your blog is.
    However to tell you frankly I blogroll people only after a certain time, not immediately.

  25. February 6, 2008 5:31 pm

    haha~~~now a days~~the teenagers have relationships~~just for the fantasy of it~~~they dont know the meaning of love ~~its jus imitation of bollywood flick

  26. February 9, 2008 4:45 pm

    GOD HAS CREATED US IN THE FINEST FORMS A HUMAN BEING AND IT IS OF GREAT RESPONSIBILITY AND MORE EVER MANY THANKS TO HIM FOR MAKING US HUMAN AND GIVING BRAIN

    THE ONLY TIME TO HAVE SEX IS ONLY AND ONLY AFTER MARRIAGE AND THAT TOO THAT MARRIAGE WHICH GETS TIE UP WITH THE MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING FROM BOTH SIDES ESPECIALLY BY THE ELDERS

    MAY BE LOOKS FOOLISHNESS
    MAY BE SOUNDS FUNNY AND MAY BE OR DEFINETLY THEIR WILL BE CRITICISM ON THIS BUT THINK BEFORE YOU GIVE A SMILE OR LAUGH BECAUSE ALL THESE CANNOT POSTPONE OR PREPONE WHAT IS WRITTEN IN MY DESTINY BY GOD DEATH OR LIFE

    COMING TO THE POINT HUMANS HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY

  27. vinamra bali permalink
    February 11, 2008 7:30 pm

    hi
    i think that today many teenagers are desprate to have sex and they just want it at any cost i am not against it but if the girl child accidently gets preagnant the girls and boys life will be ruined and not only theirs but also of their families so in my eyes first the teenagers should be provided with proper education about sex………….

  28. Farhan permalink
    February 18, 2008 7:05 pm

    hi. i persnally thimk that the parents should take a step to explain to their children about the consequences. many teenagers are desperate to have a relationship with someone. one reason for that could be that they are looking for love from someone else because they are not getting it from their own family or friends. so this is a issue parents should think about and discuss with thier children. teenagers need the propa education about sex!!!!!!!!

  29. Ravi permalink
    March 9, 2008 7:49 am

    No one need to be blamed for the drastic rise in teenage relationships. Parents must accept the fact that they can not hide their children from knowing about sex in this internet age. Since they cannot watch their juvenile kids 24×7 from having sexual relationship with their girl/guy next door they can only make them aware of sexually transmitted diseases and consequences of teenage pregnancy and parenthood.

    In today’s world nobody wants to get married at the age of 21. Practicing celibacy results in frustration of young minds which will finally effect their performance in academics/career. Its good to have practice safe sex before marriage but its up to them to chose whether to or not to have premarital affairs. Whatever may be their choice knowing safe sex practices wouldn’t harm in any.

  30. Ram permalink
    April 4, 2008 5:34 pm

    Hi all,
    please find my view below:
    fIrst thing is that we haven’t done PHD in this topics.

    Please read the below link. I agree on the view presented by the author ..
    kamakoti.org/hindudharma

    -Ram

  31. May 22, 2008 9:37 pm

    Such issues are not looked from the biological side. They are looked at from the religion angle and if so, it definitely is a sin. And I think this is where it needs to be addressed-in the realm of ethics, morality and religion.

    But, each discipline/system of thought/belief is taught as if it is the only ‘true’ one. Plurality is what is lacking.

  32. coolzen permalink
    May 23, 2008 2:43 pm

    Somewhere i read “premarital sex is training, marital sex on the job and extra marital was over time” this is the attitude of our materialistic world.

  33. Kaustav ( ka_gangster@yahoo.co.in) permalink
    May 23, 2008 10:52 pm

    Well that`s so true….but lemme add a few tngs..I`m 14 and i do admit that at our age we get really impatient to `grow up` and `behave like an adult`…well in this rush we forget the other parts of adulthood , such as responsibility , and focus on the more luring prospects, such as freedom. So the more a kid acts more `adult like` the more he/she thinks he/she`s `cool` …as most normal kids i`ll admit dis one!
    So apart frm the other scientific-psychological stuff of sexual maturity and feelings of attraction which i`ll skip here….we also have these!
    On the basis of teenage relationships,i`ll classify my same-aged friends and schoolmates into 4 groups:

    1. Those who`re seeing someone, and actively flaunting it among their frnds( Well i admit it again, at our age, we usually judge a frnd`s position on the popularity and coolness charts based on all this!)…So most of the below-16 kids in this group are into a relationship cuz of the `cool` factor or jst 4 kicks. One of my bst frnds is lyk dat, and she goes on and on about it, but i dont really mind!

    2. Those who aren`t into a relationship BECAUSE:

    a) They think its `not done` or are probably too hypocritical….this includes those irritating ones who`re lyk ” I`m not int`restd in members of the opposite sex”…They`re mostly too gutless to be open about al dis
    stuff.

    b) They don`t hav enough confidence to ask someone out.

    c) They`re scared of wat othrs may say.

    3. Those who , evn though they`re interestd , are mature and have enough control, to sideline this because of studies, othr commitments, family obligations ,etc. Some of them wait for college, while others even till marriage!

    4. Those who`re not lyk they wanna avoid a relationship, but are not dat eager either..they`re waiting …if they hit it off wid someone really well….fine othrwise they don`t wanna rush tngs…but they`re okay wid relationships.

    Well most of my frnds fall within the 2nd or 4th categories…And then cums the 1st grp…..u see..in India, teenage dating is still not as common as it is in more liberal open societies..and it requires gr8 amount of maturity and self-control to belong to the 3rd group and i cud say dat 1-2 of my bst frnds belong to dat group…i myself am on the borderline b`ween the 3rd and 4th grps!
    Well apart frm dat , u cud also take in the other factors, i jst studied MY frnds and schoolmates, not all indian kids, but it covers a wide range as the kids i`m talkin about are mainly spread ovr two metropolitan cities, Kolkata and Bangalore, and a rural area in the southern state of tamil nadu whr i stayed for 2 years…so u cud tak other factors into account such as the urban-rural divide wich is really stronger in India than most othr nations…(Rightly so, as my frnds frm the rural areas mostly fall in the 2nd category, and a handful in the 3rd, but none in the 4th or 1st! )Added to dis cud be the factor that ppl down south are more `conservative`….Staying in the south for the last 4 yrs, i`d say there`s more hypocrisy dwn south for sure, don`t kno bout the `conservatve `part!
    Anyways to get bak 2 d topic….Well there are som who are in a relationship cuz they`re genuinely interestd in d prson they`re seeing…but den in India , among us BELOW 16s, that`s rare!
    And well, i`ll also say i`m more towards the 4th grp than the 3rd, cuz i`m not dat much emotionally mature!
    AND LASTLY SO SORRY,BUT THE TOPIC WAS TEENAGE SEX, AND I WROTE ON TEENAGE RELATIONSHIPS, BUT THEY`RE RELATED IN A WAY….but anyway to add a few tngs on dat….most kids usually strt experiencing physical attractions frm …say 7 or 8 years of age..atleast me and my closest pals did!…and by 12-13 it grows strong…so we see sex as untravelled territory, be it cuz of varied reasons lyk the hypocrisy and taboo surrounding it wich are mixed wid the heady mix of `brand
    sex sells` we get frm d media…so som kids our age do tend 2 experiment…But den the base line is lyk i said at the strt, impatience for the more luring prospects of adulthood. In my own belief,( i`m a virgin at 14, and all my close frnds are as well, though there are a few casual frnds whom i`m not so sure bout!) i think dat sex is NOT okay b4 fifteen, cuz frm my 10th grade biology knowledge, as well as the mental pressure,its not gud…aftr 15,its okay i don`t hav any issues wid it, but den the ppl shud be lyk responsible type. Anyways al dat is given in the blog…Hope u liked my post…thanks for readin it…long 1! Byeeeeeeeee…and if u wanna tlk on dis…i don`t hav my website yet, jst a yahoo 360 webpage! But i wrote my email id, so u`re welcum 2 send it dere!

  34. June 29, 2008 1:00 pm

    Wow..! This is an interesting thread..!
    I’m a 1st year Media student and as part of our syllabus we need 2 produce a radio prog.. We as a group chose relationships as our main theme.. Something I’m regretting very much now! Cuz
    1. This is a VAAAAAAST topic. There are waaaaay too many types of relationships..
    2. My group members are stuck onto teen dating & relationships..!
    I personally wouldn’t wanna do a half hour radio segment on such a topic in a city like Chennai.. where as far as i can see (im very new to this place.. hardly 3 months!) Teen Dating & Relationships is not something people are too willing to discuss plus it would b really hard 2 gather material for something like this!
    My group is hardly co operative and this whole thing is driving me up the wall cuz this assignment is reallllllly important..
    Hence i would IMMENSELY appreciate suggestions on how i can perhaps cum up with an interesting radio prog dealing with this subject o teen dating n relshps..
    Thanks a ton & do get back soon! :( :(

  35. Trishna permalink
    July 28, 2008 5:16 pm

    I personally think it’s the parents’ fault this is happening. Not entirely, but a large segment of it. If you put unnecessary restrictions and rules on a teenager, they will go out and break them. It’s like never letting a little boy eat lollies his entire life, but when he goes to a friend’s birthday party, he eats as much as he can because he has never had it before. The other kids, of course, will not see it as such a big deal. I have dealt with my kids in this way. I let them do what they want, so they talk to me about everything. I have educated them well, they are practical intelligent people, and we have a close relationship. I know exactly what’s going on in my daughter’s life, because she chooses to tell me. I hate the tabboos in society.

  36. Ravi permalink
    July 28, 2008 8:43 pm

    LOL@kaustav..that was one hell of a comment…lmao

  37. Ravi permalink
    July 28, 2008 8:56 pm

    Sandhya,

    I wish you could do this in hyd, blore, mum and delhi. But chennai is different from other metros. Probably you might have already known that colleges in chennai implement dress code.

    Some time back this movie “boys” was released in Tamil and Telugu. It was about 5 college students aspiring to become pop stars. This movie covers everything related to teenagers like drugs, premarital sex and booze. This movie was made to withdraw from theaters citing objections over the content they show in the movie. It didn’t happened in AP. So it would be a suicide to air your show with explicit content definitely not in chennai.

    Since parents in chennai are moronic by not realizing the current world and living life in their dreams you could do this. Don’t change the topic but you can advocate the problems that any teenager would come across due to premarital sex, teenage pregnancy and parenthood. I would suggest you to watch “chitram” if you happened to know telugu. This movie has so much of stupid saga on teenage sex that would help you..it was funny though to watch this movie.

  38. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 3:46 am

    I would like to know out of those who had pre-marital sex, how many of them had it with more than 1 partner. I don’t see anything wrong if people are having it with one partner and leading it to marriage…

    After seeing these surveys, I myself am shocked about my own generation since I have not been able to understand why they are doing this, i.e., why sexual seriousness has been dropping. So I thought you could get some polls that exactly showed if having sex with multiple partners is on the rise in India among the youth. I fear that we are losing our values very fast!

    Thanks!

  39. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 3:59 am

    I found this article about promiscuity among Indian youth. I also found this one for premarital sex in the year 2005 . Please tell me that our youth isn’t that messed up! I mean c’mon, 2/3rd had sex with more than one partner!
    I thought we had better standards than that!

    Nita, comment on this one! Thanks!

    Diesel, I do not know how accurate that particularly survey is. However my opinion is slightly different from yours. I think we all have sex, whatever our cultures, but in India we are hypocritical about it, because society doesn’t approve. I also do not want to attach a moral value to it, because who am I to judge why someone is having sex? I think in India though the number of partners is less as compared to the west, due to less opportunities, but if it is just the case of having sex, I don’t think we are much different. Also as in India people get married early, vast majority of them, with girls marrying as early as 14 at times (rural) people are having sex early. If society stops this, then “promiscuity” will rise, as we are all human after all. – nita.

  40. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 4:19 am

    Interestingly I also found this site debunking ALL the surveys of the recent past. If this BBC survey is right, then I will rest in peace. Otherwise our society has just gone corrupt like the West has…which by the way is now leaning towards sexual moderation, decency and abstinence.

    And sorry for my triple post!! It is my concern for guys and gals of my age that I am posting these. I thought we were better than that!

  41. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 8:20 am

    Crap, looks like my links have been filtered! I’ll see if I get it right this time.

    The article about promiscuity in youth [DNA - India - Young get serious about casual sex - Daily News & Analysis] http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?NewsID=1097374

    The one about premarital sex is from Kamasutra’s annual sex report in 2005
    http://www.kamasutracondoms.com/ift/articles/article.ift?artid=8222&cat_id=64&adult=0

    This is the one on the BBC survey from Infochange India [Busting the myth of the Great Indian Sexual Revolution]
    http://infochangeindia.org/200602175624/Agenda/Claiming-Sexual-Rights-In-India/Busting-the-myth-of-the-Great-Indian-Sexual-Revolution.html

    I don’t filter links related to the topic (unless they are pornographic or I feel the person is advertising himself/herself. Your previous comment came without any links. However do remember that comments with links often go into spam, and as I do not filter spam on old posts, they are lost forever. If a comment just disappears, without a note that it is on moderation, then it means the comment has gone into spam. This is not within my control. – nita

  42. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 8:35 am

    I was mentioning the links that might have been caught in the automatic spam filter. Not you! I had the links in arrow brackets like these ”.

  43. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 8:39 am

    “but if it is just the case of having sex, I don’t think we are much different.” would you mind elaborating?

    I mean sex is “hunger” and we are all human! Diesel, I need to go now, as I am not in town and am still accessing my blog and I have people yelling at me for that! :) I thank you however for taking the time to leave your comments here. regards, nita.

  44. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 8:48 am

    http://nitawriter.wordpress.com/2006/09/07/teenage-sex/#comment-107370

    The above comment summarised my views on sex. But more particularly I am worried if the people in India are starting to give lesser value to virginity by seeing a rise in having multiple partners. I would love to see people having sex if they are going to have it with only one person in their whole life-time. In the sense, delay intercourse by getting to know the person more and then having it rather than cheapen it by having it “just because you are with that guy/girl”. Yes, mistakes happen and not everyone could be everyone else’s first but if the people are willing to play it low and delay sex by making it more of a moral thing then that’s fine! I don’t want an Indian sexual revolution at the expense of our societal morals and values like what happened everywhere else.

  45. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 8:49 am

    “Diesel, I need to go now, as I am not in town and am still accessing my blog and I have people yelling at me for that! :)” Yeah! Take your time!! I appreciate your responses!

  46. Diesel permalink
    September 7, 2008 10:54 am

    This article summed up many things(found this on Wikipedia’s article on Teen sexuality in India):
    http://www.ijppediatricsindia.org/article.asp?issn=0019-5456;year=2006;volume=73;issue=8;spage=743;epage=743;aulast=Dhoundiyal

    This was published in 2006.
    Btw, as an NRI who did CBSE(with basic(at my time in 2003) Sex-Ed in class X) in Gulf, I can say that I could practically count the number of people who had smooched in our school with one hand! This is even though we were extremely sexually open! But seeing an entirely different picture in India is very shocking esp. with a very conservative environment. I am guessing this to be because of lack of CBSE or Sex-Ed for that matter. I want to see a survey done with CBSE kids or those who had sex-ed. I know it has a lower figure in the Gulf!

  47. September 10, 2008 1:45 pm

    pre maritial sex gives us confidence to give our wife full satisfaction on the first night.

  48. Diesel permalink
    September 15, 2008 7:32 am

    “pre maritial sex gives us confidence to give our wife full satisfaction on the first night.” – Pratik

    Otherwise what…she’ll leave you?! Just kidding! But seriously, your confidence is only an illusion-every woman is very different. What confidence you had before you had sex with your wife will be shattered when you know that your wife doesn’t respond the same way as the woman you had sex with before responded. The only way to find her responses out is to either talk to her about it, like how much she knows about it et al, or…have sex with HER before marriage. But then there won’t be a “first” night. Therefore it is subjective to you as to whether you regard your bedroom performance on one particular night as good or not. But trust me…your confidence is illusional. Premarital sex gives you confidence that the woman you had sex with before marriage can get full satisfaction on the first night! Period.

  49. September 15, 2008 9:45 am

    @Diesel: So there is absolutely no transference of knowledge? Every woman you have sex with forces you to relearn from scratch? I hope you don’t really believe that.

  50. Diesel permalink
    September 16, 2008 2:06 am

    There is a basic knowledge of sex that is gained from this “experience”(but seriously do you really think people should take the matter of sex THAT lightly as a case of an ordinary “trial and error”. Are you really for emotion-free, mechanical sex?!). But he was talking about FULLY satisfying a woman, not just making her climax. That is subjective from one woman to another. Every woman forces you to relearn HER very fine responses. If you want to know how to satisfy a woman, there are millions of books, videos etc, on that. Yes, nothing beats practice, but how about practising with the same person? Doesn’t hurt! Plus judging that all female responses are the same is complete nonsense. If you happen to land with the woman who responds like your ex, you are lucky. But what if you don’t? Plus do you really believe that if you don’t have sex with some woman at all, you will never gain ANY sort of sexual information whatsoever?!

  51. Nitin Mahajan permalink
    September 16, 2008 8:02 am

    @Nita,
    Very well written and agree with everything you have to say here.
    I am astounded at the sheer hypocrisy of the general populace.For a nation of a billion people we are amazingly coy about sex.I mean someone’s doing it!Right?

    But these things are not confined to India.USA [or rather George Bush's administration] has spent millions of dollars,in the last 5 years advocating abstinence-only sex ed programs within schools.These programs included all kinds of misleading information to persuade teens not to have sex.
    They do not want teens to know more about sex.They just want them scared enough not to have sex.

    Various Christian denominations in the US,have these freak shows called “Virginity pledges”where teens pledge not to indulge in sex till marriage.Apparently,these pledges weren’t a deterrent to these teens, to use other orifices.

  52. Nitin Mahajan permalink
    September 16, 2008 8:05 am

    @DD & Diesel

    Real men don’t care. :)

  53. Diesel permalink
    September 17, 2008 3:43 am

    “Real men don’t care. :)”

    Ha ha(if care was about female orgasm)!!

  54. Diesel permalink
    September 17, 2008 3:45 am

    Yes, yes! Dubya uses scare tactics to achieve yet another target…yawn what’s new?!

  55. june permalink
    February 9, 2009 12:21 pm

    India is full of hypocrites. The people who have a lot of mistresses are the ones preaching against pre marital sex. Why?? Because it suits them.

    India has this attitude that sex is just meant for making babies and not something to be enjoyed openly.
    Keeping the society so restricted will only encourage violent crimes against women. If a man and woman are able to mix freely , then the guys will not think it is tantalizing to see a mini skirt and will view it as normal.
    first the parents attitude needs to change. Educating your daughters and sons are the way to go especially in this era of various STDs.

  56. Doctor permalink
    March 17, 2009 1:03 am

    Wonderful, the teens are so enlightened, its amazing. One point is how to keep your sexual tensions in control ? Why no one talks about masturbation ? Every teen are into it ! is it right or
    wrong or fantasising your class mate , is it OK. Answer is yes its okay what you think in your mind and relax by the power of mind.

  57. Aditi permalink
    March 23, 2009 9:30 am

    I really enjoy your blogs!
    I attended high-school in India and am now in college in the USA–just today I discussed dating etc. with an Indian friend brought up here from childhood. He seemed more than a little upset at the idea that Indian teens are opening up to dating and in some cases pre-marital sex. I wonder if these are really gaining any acceptance in the general populace?

    • March 23, 2009 9:37 am

      Aditi, the acceptance of pre-marital sex is restricted to a few urban centres and amongst the younger lot. Very few parents are comfortable with this idea. However dating is far more widespread and some parents now accept it, particularly amongst the upper classes and the rich. Dating is widespread in urban India today whether parents like it or not. You see young couples everywhere.

  58. Kamini Joshi permalink
    September 8, 2009 6:58 pm

    I dont accept sex before marriage even if the whole world is doing it. I am an individual with a mind and a strong one. Smoking is common nowadays , is still hazardous to health. If the whole world wants to jump i the fire will you also do it.
    Common sense is necessary in life. Premarital sex is pure lust. There is no love let me tell you. People are so foolish. Just by wearing condoms you think that you will be protected .I laugh at such people. If something goes wrong dont cry. Noone will support you. Morality in people is important whether you are single or married.

  59. Druv permalink
    February 11, 2010 7:04 am

    I Believe that sex is a very personal, individual affair and indeed should be a private matter. States should not be the ultimate arbiters of sexual preference or age of consent, for biology and nature cannot be defined in law, despite popular beliefs to the contrary! I first had sex at 14 and it was a beautiful feeling, whose memories I cherish to this day… If some one is ready for sex (any type of sex) at say age 12 and if another person is not ready until say age 17, then it is all down to maturity and natural development, who is the society to make judgments about it?
    In India we have huge cultural diversity and any attempt to standardize sexuality would be not just unjust but completely hypocritical. Puberty is generally a good time to let people explore their sexuality, otherwise they become frustrated, unhealthy and may even develop violent tendencies. Parents cannot own their wards virginity! They can merely advise and protect. We must remember there is a big difference between sex and rape, consensual pleasure and molestation. Sex education needs to be implemented in this country urgently. A regressive Victorian attitude to it will solve nothing. We must keep in mind that sex is natural but hard drugs and alcohol, violence and murder are unnatural, somewhere in censoring sex but glorifying violence, hatred and substance abuse our priorities seem to have gotten muddled up!
    Lets try and learn from Spain, Italy, China and Brazil where the unfettered ages for sex are between 12 and 14, and chauvinist violence toward women and other men, is at a minimum.
    Make love Not war right?!

  60. UK Desi permalink
    February 3, 2011 4:12 am

    A bit disappointed by the libertine tone of most of the comments.
    We are on a slippery slope here.
    If we take a laissez faire attitude and allow free premarital sex we would eventually end up with the american/european divorce rates as well. It was in 60s and 70s that the divorce rates in America shot up to the present level (40 to 50%) paralleling the so called sexual revolution.
    And I don’t think it will stop at just that, it will have a cascading effect on a lot of other things. I guess the legendary commitment that Indian parents have for there kids will get diluted as well. It will all be hands off when the kids reach mid-teens and let them find their way in the world. Being a friend and mentor at best.

    With regards to the suppression of sexual feelings, they shouldn’t be suppressed but one can always go solo.
    And why is it that the youngsters here in UK are so angsty despite all the sexual freedom they have whereas the Indian youngsters are so well behaved/tame (even the foul language they use in private is tame)? Nobody in India is scared of teenagers but here people are really scared of them.
    Yobbishness is such a big problem here.

    Regarding the anecdote of the octogenarian who lost virginity at 17, some people will always break the rules, while others will abide by them. Its like the ban on sale of liquor or tobacco to underage. Those who want to try it will always manage to get it. But the ban still serves its purpose.

    Someone called Indians hypocrites.
    We do have a lot of problems in India, no doubt about it. We shouldn’t have different standards for men and women, among other things. But isn’t it hypocritical to advocate free sex on one hand while also believing in the institutions of marriage and family.
    Why not go the whole hog? Live in Osho style communes with sex without marriage and raise the children collectively?

    @Druv, The average age of losing virginity in China is 22, which is among the oldest in the world. Maybe they have decriminalized teenage sex but it still doesn’t fit the picture you are trying to present.

  61. Abhijeet permalink
    May 27, 2011 1:12 pm

    He but natural sex is necessary.if you are saying to girls wait till 18 and boys till 21 why? i dont understood.
    as well as MC starts she is capacity to do the sex and when errection starts boy can also have to take a test of sex.but it should be safe what you say pl give your openion. i am straight forword person.
    abhijeet

  62. Prateek permalink
    June 20, 2011 10:28 am

    As an Indian raised in Toronto, its sad to see that fellow teens in India are forced to have ‘discrete’ relationships, that is pathetic. I truly feel sad for them, as most of them have no choice but to keep their emotional and physical desired clamped down. What f**king hypocrites Indians are…

  63. October 7, 2011 12:39 pm

    A lot of the argument against teenage sex seem to imply that the human sex urge is a western import, planted into teenager’s minds by the ‘evil western media’. When I was a teenager in the early 2000s, there was no cable TV or MTV in my home, my parents were conservative Muslims who wouldn’t have had such ‘vile’ in the house. However, I still had sexual desires, like any other human, even though our conservative cultures liked to emphasise asexuality.
     
    The prevalence of teenage and pre-marital sex in India is an expression of those very human desires. It is not because of “degradation of Indian culture” but rather because people have forgotten what Indian culture is. 50 years ago, people would get married in their teens, not long after puberty. Hence, they never had to deal with the psychological trauma of keeping such a strong drive ‘under control’ for decades, till they got married. This is in contrast to today’s world where one can’t get married till they are ‘well settled’, which is usually in their mid-25s. Expecting a normal, sane human being to remain deprived for so long is insane – it is just a receipe for all the sexual harassment and abuse we have in India today.

  64. Vatsal Patni permalink
    November 13, 2011 3:52 pm

    The basic reason for unwanted pregnancies and other unwanted occurrences is that in Indian households topic such as sex and dating is taboo.Parents need to be more free about these topics and hence educate their kids about this.

  65. twinkle sethia permalink
    July 30, 2013 9:04 am

    quite a good article brought up some good points and answered them well.

    well i think that parents instead of condoning towards relationships among teenagers, should be open about it. they should accept that feeling romantically interested towards a person is natural at this age and that they need to be there for their children at all times and help them by guiding them in this relationship.
    it is not a wrong path, but they still need guiding. a teen without proper loving, understanding guidance might end up making mistakes that they might regret for the rest of their lives.

    also it is a given that many parents of teenagers allow their children to date and it would be painful for a teenager who is romantically interesting in another person to be denied all permission to act on his/her feelings. this might end up being a reason for teenagers to resent their parents.

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