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Widowed. Divorced. Unmarried. Single mothers in India face an uphill task

October 5, 2006
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While writing a school essay on his family, 11 year old Judhajit wrote about his father in the present tense, although his father had died almost two years earlier. His mother, Benani Dutta, has desperately tried to fill the void in the boy’s life, a void that she is afraid she may never be able to fill. The task she faces is formidable. Not only must she cope with the loss of a companion, but also financial problems brought in the wake of his death. Plus her children look to her for support and she must smile and be brave. ‘I cannot let them see my despair,’ she says. ‘I have to keep up the act.’

Cinderella Syndrome

Indian women often grow up with the Cinderella syndrome, believing that once they meet their Prince, they will live happily ever after. When that dream is shattered, they realise that they neither have the qualification, the work experience or even the mental make-up necessary to go out there into the world and fend for themselves.

Benani was luckier than most. She has a talent for designing clothes and was working even before her husband’s untimely death. After his death she expanded the business and today successfully runs a boutique. The money from the boutique does not cover all expenses however and she has to depend on relatives at times. ‘The family income has gone down by half. Plus I have to pay back my husband’s debts,’ she admits.Life was once a cosy ride, but today it’s work work work 17 hours a day, both inside and outside the home.

She considers herself lucky that she has an apartment of her own because many Indian women (even from affluent families) find themselves without a roof over their heads if they lose their husband. The in-laws, the brother and the father, all could deny her a right to a human being’s basic need – shelter.

Economic problems

‘The economic problem always turns out to be most serious one,’ says Rinki Bhattacharya. Daughter of the famous film director Bimal Roy, Rinki divorced her husband BasuBhattacharya (also a film director) after 18 years of a turbulent marriage. ‘When I divorced my husband I had no place to stay, and I had to support myself and my three children. Though my husband sent us money, it was never sufficient.’ Rinki worked day and night, wrote for newspapers and sold her jewellery to make ends meet. She managed to make a name for herself, and also co-directed a film called Char Diwari, on battered wives. She runs an organisation in Bombay for victims of domestic violence. ‘Even today, what is uppermost on my mind is to earn enough to support myself,’ she says.

Being both mother and father

For a woman it is not only the daily financial struggle, but also the myriad little daily domestic tasks which drain her both physically and mentally. Single mothers do not get enough time with their children and this can cause problems. ‘My being away for long hours does have an effect on my son,’ admits Suhasini Kohli,mother of 12 year old Varun. Suhasini is one of those rare women who never married but opted tobring up a child by herself. A member of the executive committees of several development organisations, Suhasini’s work demands a lot of traveling and leaves her little time with her son. ‘I have now decided to cut down on the traveling, because my son needs me more than before,’ she says. She admits that there are discipline problems with Varun, but otherwise he is a very happy, and confident child. It is hard for kids like Varun, but now he has accepted that he doesn’t have a father. His craving for a father figure is met by Suhasini’s brother, who is a bachelor. ‘Varun identifies with my brother and is very close to him,’ says Suhasini.

Innumerable studies have shown that the father’s presence in the house is an important factor for healthy development of the child. While boys look up to a father as a role model, a girl’s future relationships with the opposite sex is largely shaped by her interactions with her father and the image she has of him. Moreover, husbands and wives generally balance out each other’s personalities and thus provide a secure environment for children.

A father’s mere physical presence is not enough. Due to cultural factors however, many Indian fathers consider it enough that they bring in the moolah. ‘Many Indian women, even when married, have to function as single mothers,’ feels Rinki. She points out that even she was married, she had to bring up her children single-handedly. ‘I gave my children the time they demanded because I believe that if one has children one owes them time. As a result, I was left with very little time for myself.’ Though her children were close to her, they were nevertheless attached to their father. The divorce took it’s toll on them and particularly affected her youngest, only six at the time. It was a case of contested custody and the child had to go on the stand and testify.

Single mothers not accepted

Today, divorce is becoming common in Indiabut unfortunately society’s attitudes are not changing fast enough. Indian society looks harshly upon divorced women, invariably blaming them for the break-up. Widowed women are however, somehow ‘ennobled.’

Rinki felt the ostracism keenly. ‘Women who have the courage to walk out of a marriage when ill-treated should actually be admired, but instead they are looked upon as women who could not make their marriage work.’

Unmarried single women also face hostility. It is not a simple matter of turning a deaf ear to gossip, but a question of tackling practical problems like school admissions or getting the children married. Rita Bose is an unmarried mother who adopted Rahul four years ago, when he was just two months old. Says Rita, ‘During Rahul’s admission to a school I was questioned in detail about the adoption. I had to prove that I could support him. When I was waiting for the interview, people kept asking me, ‘Why hasn’t the father come?’ I have always had to face these kinds of questions.’ Family support is very important in these cases and Rita got it from her aunt, three sisters and close friends. ‘I always wanted to adopt a child, and my family was delighted,’ she says. With her job and spacious apartment in central Calcutta, Rita has no feeling of insecurity. She is happy. ‘After Rahul came into my life, everything changed. Everything revolves around him today, and I have become softer, more patient and more caring.’

Suhasini could not agree more. ‘A child makes your world fuller, he makes you more human, less selfish. Today even though I have to work so hard, it’s worth it.’

Divorce is becoming common in India now and in certain classes of society single women are going in for adoption. Sadly however, women who live alone are still considered oddities.



The story of a woman

When Supriya Dasgupta’s husband Dilip walked out on her four years ago, leaving her with two young children, it seemed to her that her whole world had been torn apart. Brought up as she was on the ideals of motherhood and the sanctity of marriage, she could not cope with the break-up initially. ‘I was dependent upon my husband in every way, financially and emotionally,’ she says. ‘I always had the feeling: He’s there, he is my infrastructure.’

After living a life of comfort for so long, Supriya was ill-prepared for the situation she found herself in. She did not even have a house to live in, and she was in Bangalore, far away from her home in Calcutta. When her husband was transferred to Bombay, it was clear that Supriya would have to stay on in Bangalore alone with the children.

She found that extremely hard. Her teacher’s salary was of little help. Eventually Dilip did buy Supriya an apartment, but he also persuaded her to sell all her family jewels as a contribution. Even today Supriya finds it difficult to describe the horror of that break-up. ‘It was as if two sensible sane people had gone berserk,’ she recalls. ‘It was very hard to cope. It is easy for the one who walks out. As far as he is concerned he has got rid of the problem.’

She herself found it difficult to handle the loneliness, and the despair that comes with the feeling of being rejected. ‘I was only human and could not handle the situation. Also, I found it difficult to handle my adolescent son who was finding it difficult to adjust to the new situation.’ After six months of living like this, she decided to return to Calcutta. She craved for the comfort of familiar surroundings and friendly faces. When she came back however, she found that her friends and family were unable to offer her the solace and the moral support she needed. She found that she no longer fitted into their lives. The turning point in her life came a year ago, when she decided that if anyone could help her, it was herself.

She found out that her inherent creativity (she is a writer and an artist) and her teaching work could help her carve out a new life for herself. ‘Teaching is my first love,’ says Supriya. ‘From the world of children, I get an emotional satisfaction. They show me how to be honest.’ Supriya has now decided to move back to Bangalore. She wants to start living in her own house and take up teaching again. She feels she had run away from Bangalore and is now ready to face it again. ‘I am woman who meets all my commitments,’ she says. ‘I want to recreate a home for my children who are now in a hostel. Whenever they want to come home, I want to be there for them.’

(This was published in The Telegraph in the nineties. It is an old article but reading it again aroused strong emotion in me. Not much has changed in Indian society. There are more single women than ever before, but society is still suspicious of them.)

Note: Indian Law says that divorced women can only recieve one-third of the combined income of the both marriage partners. A big disadvantage for working women who get divorced. After a divorce they do not just have to support themselves, but also kids and the money is not enough. They are not entitled to a car or a house. As often they work simply to supplement the family income (as they want to give attention to the family) this hits them in the gut if they get divorced. If they are simply housewives, they get more alimony from their husbands. And if they opt for high paying careers, they don’t need the alimony. Recently a man demanded alimony from his wife after the divorce as he was jobless…and guess what? Our ‘equitable’ Indian courts gave it to him!

Related Reading: Why men batter women
The devaluation of cooking
Women priests in Pune, India
How women are portrayed in the Indian media
The historical reasons for women fasting during Karva Chauth
The lies that beauty contests perpetuate
The causes of rape
India’s skewed sex-ratio
Why India is lagging behind when it comes to empowerment of women in politics inspite of statistics showing that it is ahead.

More: Why some singles choose to remain unmarried
Youngsters in India date with marraige in mind
Men’s attitudes can change for the better
It’s best to be open about sex

161 Comments leave one →
  1. Vandy permalink
    October 6, 2006 11:48 am

    Hi,
    This article is so true even today. Though in this 21st or is it 22nd Century things are slightly different and single women, or single moms are not rare…they r still few and far between. My closest friend is a divorcé and i still remember how she was surprised at my noncalent reaction to her telling me about it. She was surprised that I didnt find it strange cause everyone else who heard about her status suddenly shunned her. I married recently at 28… not because I wanted to…I was enjoying my life as it is…. but simply because I had to bow down to my very sick moms only wish. I dont regret it, but yes… i do miss my single life.

  2. October 6, 2006 1:25 pm

    Hi Vandy. Congratulations on your recent marraige. I think in the long run it is far better to have a partner however wonderful single life seems. I am sure you will have a wonderful and happy married life. And thank you for commenting on my article.

  3. October 8, 2006 2:40 am

    Why fathers are not even given visitation rights in India (during separation)?

    Men’s Rights organisations across India now demands 33% reservation in Child Custody.

  4. October 8, 2006 5:33 pm

    Sumanth, Thank you for commenting on the article.
    However, I am not aware of the legal side of the issue. All I have done is explore some of the problems that single women face while bringing up children on their own.
    I personally believe that both father and mother are equally important for a child.

    • Rini permalink
      April 5, 2011 1:43 pm

      You are right Ms. Nita. Both parents are needed for the overall development of a child. I’m the daughter of divorcee. I’m now 30 and I was struggling throughout my life, till now. I’ve a fear of insecurity because of the lack of support of my parents. I always have a feeling that I’m an incomplete human being because of my parents’ careless attitude towards me. I didn’t get the affection and care of my parents. Because of this I’m always searching for love. I wish to lead a happy married life and want to show my parents that this is life. At the same time I’m afraid that does a child from a broken family get a good married life.

      Rini

      • Rajiv permalink
        May 8, 2011 4:25 pm

        Rini

        Just trust on yrself .you will win the life including marrg life.I went through yr stage i can say its tough without loving parents but its making you confident & bold self dependent

      • Avradita(mamoni) permalink
        May 18, 2011 5:12 pm

        Rini, do not know what you went thru in ur life, i myself is a just divorced mother who came out of an un-emotional marriage.. i have a small daughter of 5 and i was very skeptical of what my daughter will think of me when she grows up.. may be she will think i had been the cause of this separation.. but goin thru a bad marriage and my daughter witnessing quarelling between the parents every other day .. I do not think it would have been very healthy for her up bringing.. In this whole marriage of 5 yrs she was the only good thing that happened to me.. as she grows up i will make her understand that both me and her father loved her and will always love her though wotever happened between her parents.. I wish u r parents also would have handled it maturedly.. but do not worry.. everything happens for betterment.. and it is not always that wot happened in ur parents life will also happen with u.

        God Bless U

        • Leena permalink
          June 19, 2011 10:02 pm

          Hello Nita & all
          I m relived to have Stumbled upon ur blog & find that I m not alone in this big bad world

          I m a Single, just divorced mother, & face similar thing,

          My Story, (long , I know, but I want to ramble away )-
          Suffering from the Cinderella Syndrome myself, I at 27yr got into arranged marriage with 34yr old professional,
          InSpite of hiS open ‘i m juSt not into it’, carefree approach & my corresponding, growing doubt at him as a partner even during courtship, I went ahead
          2 yr into the marriage, I realized a lot of things that were Seriously odd about his family & I knew in my gut that they could never be trusted; however, I had begun loving him So much that even while my good Sense told me to be wary, my heart made me believe I was the one wrong
          (Yes Sounds quite silly of n educated woman, & yet so it was)
          I had a child & when I Saw that even that dint improve anything, I just knew it one day that now I got to move out of this marriage
          In the Spur of moment I did it, hoping that least Such a drastic Step may change my husband, it dint,
          For the fear of my child’s future (& I admit momentary fear of being lone & partnerless ), I gave one more try,,,
          But (thankfully), my husband & his family had begun showing their true colors!
          They drafted false court case against me , Seized all my possessions, dint meet his child ever again (it 2 yr now),
          Anyway, they Say, truth will overcome- it did,
          For over 1 yr, he Stooped as low as he could, while I wasted not penny on fighting his false case,
          He eventually greed to mutual Settlement- I got my divorce, my hildS custody & my assets
          Sometime even now I feel silly at not listening to my gut & trying again to patch up with him,
          Yet I feel peaceful that my child will know at least I tried again,
          I m not even playing Shift the blame game here at whose fault it was in our marriage, I know that marriage need both parts, whole & Soul, to work,
          Yet I now that one day when my child come up to me & ask ‘why mom’, I will have the answer-
          Hollow ppl like them who eventully resorted to Such vile, don’t deserve being with in the firt place; also I dint ask for being Single, yet if it meant living with masked faces & waking up doubtful every day, where’s the point!

          • the leafless one permalink
            August 8, 2011 12:40 am

            i completely agree with u, no one understands. society at large is another ball game altogether, but ones own parents too doubt things and thts when matters become worse. i am in the same situation as u once were but then i know heart of hearts, that watevr happens happens for ones own’s good…

          • kinjal permalink
            July 20, 2013 12:53 pm

            Hello lina!
            i a also a single mother 27 yrs old wt same case as urs..
            bt d diff is dat mine was a luv marriage nd my husband too didnt care about us…

    • Jai permalink
      May 29, 2011 12:02 pm

      Hi Nita.
      U r right, i work for NGO called CRISP, from bangalore, we intitated a move on SHARED PARENTING, we are fighting onthe changes inthe LAW to provide the equal oopertunity and visitation right. if anybody need any help on sharee parenting, pelase contacnt CRIPS , 0n 098542 64488 [ its run by Anil kumles, wife’s ex- husband – Mr.KUmar Jagirdhar ]

      • December 21, 2012 2:45 pm

        Hi Nita,
        I would like to know is it about Shared Parenting only or do you provide guidance for women in distress too, if you know any such non profitable organisation in Mumbai, please let me know, i will be very grateful to you,i am going through the worst phase of my life. After 15 yrs of marriage my husband is planning to divorce me and is running away from his financial responsibilities too.he says he has nothing to provide me and my kid, but visits abroad every month to his girlfriend. I know he is lying but have nothing to prove him wrong nor am i financially strong to fight him . since it was a love marriage my in laws also never liked me and now they too are washing thier hands off by saying they cant help. Thers a lot to share but cannot be said here,
        If thers any guidance or help you can provide related to my matter, it would be a great relief.

        • December 22, 2012 10:41 am

          Dear N, When it comes to your in-laws, they do not have the responsibility, your husband does. You can file a court case asking for alimony and what you need is a good lawyer. I am not a counselor or activist, just a journalist. The lawyer will guide you as to the steps to be taken.

        • Abha Sharma permalink
          January 16, 2013 8:19 pm

          Ironically my divorce came through the day u wrote this blog.Very simmilar story.After 16 years of marriage my husband walked out one fine day.It was so horible that I dont want to write about it.It took four years after that which was much more draining .As is u r so emotionally weak and then on top court n lawyers .When I look back n think was it worth fighting for??? I suggest in these kind of cases dont let your heart rule your head. Go for mutual consent and finish it instead prolonging the pain and if you r fiancically secure.

      • jaz permalink
        January 30, 2013 4:17 pm

        HI dear,, m also facing the same phase of bad life. i m 27 yrs m 3 yrs back i got divorce n having a 3.5 yrs son. i don’t know when he grows up what he feels for me.. long n painful story of mine.. but really dear after reading these post i feel that i m not alone lots of people are there with me who all r facing the same situation. in your own circle no one wants to interact with u. i wish i can join the community to help people like us to change the law for the parental hold.
        i face lots of issue like while the applying for the passport and even for the admission of my son they required the father name…. i didn’t understand y they all need the name when he is not going to take any of responsibilities…
        i pray god to help me n help all of us who all are facing the pain…

  5. Madhumita permalink
    November 2, 2006 6:40 pm

    most of these struck a chord. I think the biggest thing that hurts women after a split is the lack of financial cushion, comfort, and the confidence to make money. As has been rightly said, women fit themselves into the role of a supplementary income earner; no matter how educated; and after a split find it difficult to maintain the old standard of living.
    I dont have a solution to offer…what if the man isnt desperate for a divorce, he can just go without providing anything financially, and what options does the woman have then? Lodge a court case, and do endless rounds of hearings – expensive both time and money wise, in trying to get alimony. Seems like a nightmare. Alternatively, give up all claims, just concentrate on getting the divorce, and try rebuilding from scratch, again a nightmare
    Really a solution eludes.
    I have seen single (not being able to find the right person) and divorced men also go through a lot of emotional trauma- just that they are usually spared the financial distress, being a part of a gender that is brought up with the idea of being the breadwinner. And not being financially distressed is half the problem taken care of. Emotionally one can always rebuild, much easier, esp if money isnt an issue-but financial rebuilding is the toughest
    Having money and a social and professional standing enables emotional rebuilding, and makes it easier for men, and more difficult for women

    • May 29, 2011 12:10 pm

      Hi Madhumitha.

      U r right, i work for NGO called CRISP, from bangalore, we intitated a move on SHARED PARENTING, we are fighting onthe changes inthe LAW to provide the equal oopertunity and visitation right. if anybody need any help on sharee parenting, please contacnt CRIPS , 0n 098542 64488 [ its run by Anil kumles, wife’s ex- husband – Mr.KUmar Jagirdhar ]
      Hosted by Volunteer.: Jai >> 09845578299
      We oranise the program on necessity of the SHARED PARENTING ”
      visit us at http://www.crisp-india.org

  6. November 2, 2006 8:11 pm

    The article here has touched many bits in my heart as I am a divorced single mother of a lovely four year old boy. However, I really do not think that the situation is so bleak for urbanized, independent minded single women who choose to walk out from an emotionally draining marraige and trust that life can still be good.

    I got into a couple of relationships post divorce as I, contrary to my independent nature, believed that life could not be complete without a man to share your life with, but as I went along I realized that somehow the fundamental reasons why these men liked me (including my ex-husband) were the very reasons which created conflict. I have also realized that I feel really complete with just having my son around and men are more of irritants.

    Somehow luckily in my marraige breadearning was never just my husband’s sole prerogative. Maybe he never allowed me to become dependent on his earnings which kept me in good stead post our separation. Yes I was also broke when I walked out on my husband with my one-year old because all my savings had been eroded in paying for my delivery and hosting his relatives in my house post delivery. (He had given me hope that we could rebuild our marraige with the baby in our life!!!) Yet I was very sure that I would cope and have to build my life and business from scratch, which I did manage to do.

    I think in a world where seperation and singlehood is now a way of life, all women should be prepared for such an event. I believe its equally draining for both men as well as women and not always can financial stability ensure faster emotional rebuilding.

    Relationships are special, but accidents do happen. What we need is some kind of emotional insurance against these accidents. This emotional insurance comes at a very high cost, much more than we women can imagine…

    Maybe we could make the men pay for it!!!!

    • Parimala permalink
      July 30, 2009 11:55 pm

      Totally with you on this

      • raju permalink
        March 2, 2012 1:08 pm

        hi parimala,

        What is your problem and how you are going to sovle reply

    • October 8, 2009 5:24 pm

      hello Vasudha,
      well when a person become a single parent, it does not mean only one get pain but both feel the same.

      I am not married but i have seen ppl who feels pain.

      I have seen it like as i did not get married but i am also a heart broken without marriage. Coz i loved her a lot as she was a widow with a kid.

      So, dont say if women feel pain not men…!

      thanks
      amit

      • Ruchi permalink
        January 25, 2010 11:51 am

        Well, I will respond to Amit here.
        The pain here is just not the loss of broken marriage.
        It is also the pain that you see in your child’s face as she/he faces the brunt of a broken marriage.
        It is also the pain that you see in the society’s eyes as they blame you constantly for a broken marriage.
        It is also the pain that you strive hard to be both the mother and the father to your child and there are times you can’t live upto all expectations of your child.
        It is also the pain that you fear entering into another relationship — not just for the fear of its failure but also of its likely impacts on your child.
        it is not easy to be a mother and definitely not a single mother. all these ideas about misuse of pro-women laws, etc may exist in some scenarios but not all.
        My husband deserted me in the hospital when our daughter was born. she is now 16m old and he doesnt even want to see her. he hasnt responded to my efforts at all. what do you think i should do? not go to court against him? dont seek any maintenance for the child? he surely is in pain for he has broken off a marriage– right?

        Regards,
        R

      • October 4, 2010 1:26 pm

        you r a gentle man

        • Avradita(mamoni) permalink
          May 18, 2011 5:30 pm

          I think pain is some thing which is felt by both!!..
          Depends on the issue and people and how things had effected..It is not always men to be blamed.. and also vice-versa.. for each person issue and reason are different..

    • Rupa permalink
      May 20, 2011 1:13 am

      I agree completely with you on this. I am seperated and have a 2.5 year old son. The men who came in my life all have selfish reasons and were reasons for more trouble and irritation.

      I am happy being alone.Proud to be us, women with guts and self-esteem.

      Wish more and more women learn to be living with dignity than being at the mercy of unkind inlwas and husband

      • jaz permalink
        January 30, 2013 4:19 pm

        salute to you dear…may god bless u..

  7. Poornima permalink
    February 28, 2007 12:29 pm

    The article has touched my heart and I’m divorced single mother of a nine year son. My husband demanded alimony from me because I was earning more than him even though he initiated the divorce. Similarly, he refused to pay any kind of maintenance for our nine year old son.

    I decided not to get married again and bring up my son by myself. But I do face all the problems a single mother runs into and this disheartens me from time to time. My friends and their families keep away from me, sometimes I’m forced to spend less time with my son due to my work, and being single earning member in family with the income tax burden makes me run out of breath, knocks me off.

    • Avradita(mamoni) permalink
      May 18, 2011 5:32 pm

      Poornima.. i can understand your state am goin thru the same emotional trauma.. but here it is lil bit different I did not ask for alimony… as because when i was married he never took any responsibility neither financially nor emotionally so when i came out .. i did not require anything from him..

    • May 29, 2011 12:12 pm

      HiVasudha.

      U r right, i work for NGO called CRISP, from bangalore, we intitated a move on SHARED PARENTING, we are fighting onthe changes inthe LAW to provide the equal oopertunity and visitation right. if anybody need any help on sharee parenting, please contacnt CRIPS , 0n 098542 64488 [ its run by Anil kumles, wife’s ex- husband – Mr.KUmar Jagirdhar ]
      Hosted by Volunteer.: Jai >> 09845578299
      We oranise the program on necessity of the SHARED PARENTING ”
      visit us at http://www.crisp-india.org

    • jaz permalink
      January 30, 2013 4:46 pm

      Dear Poornima.. sorry to hear for u.. but dear m also facing the same pain in my life,, i have a 3.5 yrs son n now i come out of depression n started a new life with my son.. i know we have to face lots of problem in this life where whole world is men s power. i pray fr you dear that soon u will b out of ur issue n got financially strong.. i know because of work u cant spend time wid ur kid which makes u irritated . but dear ave faith on god n think for better future for u n ur kid

  8. Shubh permalink
    March 7, 2007 4:09 pm

    Hi:

    I am going through a very tough phase in my marriage where my husband is in validatinng my very existence & is not ready to commit to me after being married for 6 yrs. I am also 1 mnth pregnant & dont know if i should bring this child into this world. I am scared for my child’s future & my own future. I may get divorced soon, even before this child is born. I am unable to trust my husband …what should i do & whom should i turn to…Can anyone let me know the nos for a marriage counselor in and around Thane

    • sunny permalink
      March 12, 2011 8:54 pm

      HI .
      i will say u go to counselor but don’t believe also there many person who want to do time pass and make money i had very bad experiences. my father

  9. March 7, 2007 4:30 pm

    Shubh, hold on. Let me see if I can find out about a counselor. I have asked a few people.

  10. March 8, 2007 10:38 am

    Shubh, check out this link:
    http://www.healthymind.org/
    This is in Thane.
    These people have on their roll counselors as well.

  11. Shubh permalink
    March 26, 2007 5:05 pm

    Hi Nita:

    Thanks for your help. I checked with these people but they do not do individual family counseling. Would you know anyone even in Powai or even Pune as thats where i am from.

    i need help!!

  12. March 26, 2007 5:25 pm

    Shubh, I good friend of mine is a family counselor in Mumbai. She will be able to guide you. She has contacts in Pune. I will give your message to her.
    Its really sad that these people at the institute could not guide you. I hope the email id you gave in your comment is a valid one. And don’t worry Shubh, everything will be fine.

  13. Ameeta Shah permalink
    March 28, 2007 12:56 am

    Hi Nita
    Am a family therapist, use clinical hypnotherapy, regression therapy and NLP (all modalities of managing our emotions and relationships) and conduct workshops on self empowerment, communication and influence skills and the articles you write are of interest to me and matching to many of the clients I work with.
    In all issues whether as a single parent or being in a marriage, one of the things missed that can make a great difference to one’s workload in raising a child single handedly and to mamge work and home is communication skills. There is a lot in the subtlety of communications and its potential to solve problems. Children can get so much more co-operative once we use the parenting skills with them. And in today’s world of influences (media,peer pressure, net) the job of monitoring children trebles if we are not using skilled communications. With the shortage of time that a single parent has I feel having these communications tools can be a boon. Even getting co-operation of staff and family can be different with some of the communication tips.
    Also all our outer communications are a result of our inner state of mind and our beliefs. So if people who find themselves in physical stress situations actually take time off to do inner state management sessions – only a few sessions they can be amazed at how much better they can feel.
    I work with people on parenting communications, influence skills, marital communications and we can see a major shift in reduction of misbehaviour and even physical health issues, conflicts with doing a little of this work. Many turbulent marriages respond to this interventions and partners work more harmoniously with each other. The problem is our belief systems and our communication patterns come from our childhood days which may have been difficult and can be more reactive than centered. And centered is not simply about sounding calm – it is about being effective to our own goals and values and to the situaion we find ourselves in – Centered means communications aligned with getting us the co-operation or the stopping of disrespect we are looking for. What happens when we are stressed is our communications swing from being alternatively passive to aggressive both which do not give us the result we are looking for leading us to feel either like a doormat or guilty. Centered communications is something that can be learnt and make a great difference to life and relationships
    Am open to be contacted on emotional, stress, self management and communications issues – at ameeta_shah@hotmail.com
    Regards
    Ameeta

  14. Anya permalink
    May 1, 2007 11:03 pm

    The article was very interesting and very informative however the issue of unmarried mothers and their hardships have only slightly been touched upon. You mentioned about the mother who had adopted and was unmarried… but what about the hardships of a mother who conceived herself?

  15. Ela permalink
    May 4, 2007 4:24 pm

    Hi Nita,
    I will be very greateful if you can provide me contact of a Kolkata based marriage counselor. We need help in our marraige.

  16. May 4, 2007 7:19 pm

    Ela, I am afraid I don’t know anyone in Kolkata today. The Yellow Pages should get you a good one, but ofcourse it is preferable that you go on a recomendation. You could perhaps ask your family doctor, or even a counselor in your child’s school to recommend someone.

  17. Alex permalink
    May 18, 2007 6:35 pm

    Hi Nita,

    Though I agree with most of your comments in this article, one sad side of the story that you wished to ignore was the plight of men when it comes to breaking up of the family. No sane individual would like to see his world come apart. I am facing a real life divorce threatening situation in my family life. I have been pleading, requesting my wife to understand the need to live in unison, for the sake of the child. I have been at the receiving end from her parents relatives, even though I have tried my very best to save my marriage. The very myth that women are weak or victims of batter is not true univocally. My wife has me on my knees, she shatterd & devastated me & my family, went about filing cases under various acts in a systematic way, went to court & restrained me from travelling, put my profession & career in jeopardy & now reduced me to a pauper. I am helpless .. she has even denied me the right to see my child. So .. people women can be at it too ………………. somebody need to have sympathy for men as well ……. i havent been able to express my situation fully well .. but I really dont think single men also have that easy. Statistics have shown that men divorced – have a higher rate of commiting suicide than women in the same age group (33-40). I fear that I will soon become another number in this ……Anyways Nita do you have any contact emails of marriage counsellers in Bhopal & Pune , will be very obliged ….. maybe a string of hope exists ………….thanks for your blog … you have however not been very fair to men .

    • Sushma permalink
      April 22, 2010 12:46 pm

      Hello Alex,

      I would really like to comment that here we are talking about divorce problems, and yes also would like to advice you something that we have got only one life andfor eg; in your if you wife has walked on you. let her, we cannot force anybody to stay with us but yes always be honest to yourself nothing can be wrong and always try to move on in your life and try to help others who really is seeking for your help.life never stops or ends here, Life is a challenge and will have to accept it the way it is and fight for ourselves and yes dont ever think of giving up.

      If you have any questions feel free to contact me (aroshma(at)rediffmail.com)

      tk care
      Sushma (Pune).

      • PRIYA MEHTA permalink
        May 17, 2016 3:33 pm

        hello sushma,
        I am totally agree frm u as i am also a divorced single mother of a cute baby child , ur words gives me strength and make me feel good.
        THANK YOU
        PRIYA,

  18. May 24, 2007 10:40 pm

    Alex, I am indeed sorry for your plight. Ofcourse I know men suffer too, and I in no way want to imply that women can’t be the guilty partners. But this is a general article and basically if one talks of numbers, its more women who suffer in our traditional society than men. But if your wife is harassing you like this, I feel you should move on and find yourself a kinder an dmore humane partner.
    And true, men do seem to find it harder to adjust if they have this kind of problem. I am not sure why, maybe women are mentally stronger.
    But hey, don’t give up!
    And if you want to make your marraige work, then its best you see a counsellor recommended by someone you know. I am afraid I don’t know anyone personally. Perhaps you can write to Ameeta who has written a comment above and ask her for a contact.

  19. December 13, 2007 7:27 pm

    My favorite author Ranganayakamma deserted her first husband and started new life with her fan and admirer without legal marriage. She wrote a book titled “Janaki Vimukti”. That was a controversial book because she upholds Engels’ quote “Marriage is legalised prostitution in capitalist society”. In that novel, Janaki deserts her so called legal husband and starts new life with her admirer without legal marriage. I too don’t believe in institutionalised marriage system and I am ready to live with a divorcee if she comes forward. I don’t think that widows and divorcees need to live alone if there are few men who agree to accept widows and divorcees. Though there are social objections against non-married couples, they need not fear about it. Freedom is more important than living in the fetters of social taboos.

  20. Vivek Khadpekar permalink
    December 13, 2007 9:28 pm

    Proletarian Revolutionary,

    // … and I am ready to live with a divorcee if she comes forward … //

    Why this one-way conditionality? What stops you from taking the initiative? Or are you thinking of it as a favour to be bestowed upon this imagined lucky woman?

  21. December 13, 2007 9:50 pm

    @Proletarian Revolutionary:

    One thing is for sure – very few Indian women will think themselves lucky if they have to live in without marraige with anyone. In fact divorcees may be even more unlikely to think themselves lucky because as it is they are discriminated against in society.

  22. December 14, 2007 11:01 am

    “Janaki Vimukti” novel was first published as a serial in a telugu weekly journal. That novel caused fear in religious fundamentalists and also in idealistic atheists because that novel upholds Marxism and Chalam’s philosophy that are opposed by a class of people. Ranganayakamma was first influenced by Chalam who advocated that man and woman can live with mutual trust without marriage. He also advocated that widows and estranged wives can also live with their admirers. Chalam also followed non-scientific “Ramana Maharishi ideology”, but he didn’t change his scientific opinions on man and woman relationships etc. Ranganayakamma also studied Marxism by influence of her non-married husband. Chalam’s literature is considered as profane by many people because he uphold non-marital sexual relations, divorces and widow marriages etc. Though most of the works were not translated in to english, few translations can be found in http://ranganayakamma.org Some people noticed me reading Chalam’s literature. One person criticised me that I am reading profane (unholy) literature and another person criticised that such literature kills freedom of men. I know that most of the people cannot understand me if I live with a widow or divorcee without legal marriage but I cannot agree with or bound to oppressive social traditions. So, I am ready to live with a widow or divorcee.

  23. December 14, 2007 11:17 am

    @Proletarian Revolutionary:

    I guess our society is still not accepting of live-in relationships, but slowly I think this is changing, particularly in metros. I agree some of our social tradiions are very oppressive and it’s a good thing that you do not subscribe to their views.

  24. March 13, 2008 4:43 pm

    Nita,

    This is another wonderful article ! Everytime I visit your blog,apart from the recent posts and the “hot” topics,I keep discovering articles like these (and the responses to them) that are TRULY enlightening ! It seems blogs can make us aware of the emotions in others that we would otherwise never be aware of.Yes,I like your emotional posts the best !

    I believe you have written many such wonderful articles for different newspapers.Is there a link to the complete collection of the articles that you have written for newspapers?

  25. March 13, 2008 4:56 pm

    Thanks Raj. Well, I have two trunk loads of cuttings with me.🙂 but to put them on the net means loads of typing. As many of them are outdated I have therefore not done it. My health articles are all accessible on the times india sites as they were more recent, but as health is a hot topic I have uploaded most of them on this site. You will find quite a few of my articles are interviews with CEO’s etc and some of them are on the Corporate Dossier site on the ET.
    My earlier articles however are nto on the internet as at that time newspapers were not doing it. Thats why my cuttings are most precious possession. But they mostly won’t interest you as I have written on Law and reported on things which were current then but are not relevant now.
    Thanks for your interest.

  26. March 13, 2008 5:54 pm

    Nita,

    I thank you because I am learning so much from this site !

    Two trunk loads of cuttings . . . I am sure you must have used up at least a dozen typewriters . . . not to mention thousands of notepads and pens🙂 Now I understand the url of your blog . . . only thing missing is the word prolific between nita and writer🙂

    Never mind,I am not interested in reading what CEOs have to say and I have no interest in the law either,unless it is to get it changed for the better 🙂

    I think you can scan the cuttings and digitise them to preserve them forever as paper does not last too long.It would also help in putting up what is relevant on this site.

    That’s an excellent idea Raj. Been thinking of it. Just been lazy! – Thanks. – Nita.

  27. Pallavi permalink
    April 14, 2008 3:00 am

    Hi Nita,

    Can you please explain the sentence in your blog?

    “Indian Law says that divorced women can only recieve one-third of the combined income of the both marriage partners.”

    Is that after a divorce, the wife will be able to keep only one-third of amount of money she is earning and give away the rest to her husband? If yes, why?

    Thanks in advance

  28. April 14, 2008 1:12 pm

    Pallavi no, this doesn’t mean that. I am sorry for the confusion here. To explain let me take a hypothetical case.
    Mrs. A earns Rs 100/- p.m.
    Mr. A earns Rs 200/- p.m.
    They get divorced.
    Their combined income is Rs 300/- p.m
    After the divorce she is entitled as alimony not more than Rs 100/- a month, as that is a third of the total income.
    Hope that helps to clarify.

    • February 25, 2011 4:50 pm

      Nita,

      Pls clarify.. that means :
      —————————–

      Mrs. A earns Rs 100/- p.m.
      Mr. A earns Rs 200/- p.m.
      They get divorced.
      Their combined income is Rs 300/- p.m
      After the divorce she is entitled as alimony not more than Rs 100/- a month, as that is a third of the total income.

      Net effect, the divorced woman gets Rs 100 pm(alimony) plus she gets to keep her own salary of Rs 100 pm, totalling Rs 200 pm.

      Whereas, the divorced husband is left with his net salary of Rs 100 pm (Gross Salary of Rs 200 minus alimony paid Rs 100)

      Is the understanding correct?

      Clarify pls… Thanks – Shankar

      Shankar, I am not a lawyer, but your reasoning seems correct. From the view of the law the divorced woman is entitled to the lifestyle she is living before marriage and I think that is why this kind of division. However if she gets the house then usually that too is taken into account (eg. if she didn’t get a house then she has to pay rent) But its best you clarify these matters from an expert. – Nita

  29. vinay shrivastava permalink
    July 10, 2008 12:16 pm

    Hello Nita
    I liked your writings on widows. I am planning to take a group of students to Pune and make a documentary on this topic. Please let me know if you have any suggestion about any association in Pune who may benefit from this project. This project is funded.

    thanks,

    vinay

  30. sonal parikh permalink
    July 10, 2008 4:16 pm

    dear neeta,
    i like your aritcle about widow and single women.iam single women.my age is 46yrs.i haveone younger brother n one younger sister.both r merried.i don’t mind that.but what hurt me most is that i don’thave any opinion in my house.even ido not have any social status.my younger brother is dominating my parents.my parents r econmically sufficiant.they r not depend on my brother.my parents told me clearly that i am not supposed to interfear in my brother so called personal life.and he is allowed to make hell n get away with it.i wonder why this is happening?
    we r all educated,well read people from upper middle class.
    As far as widows of india concern i have learn lot of things while taking classes as a trainer of workshop.it is all about processof making entreprenneurs at micro level.this workshop was conducted specieally for widow women whose age is between 18 to 40yrs.it was remote village of gujrat called dehgam and mansa.it was most wonderful experiance of my life.i have learnt from them how to fight odds of life.i like to dicuss lot of things about this women and also like to send photograph of them.
    pl,tell me if you r intersted.
    with thanks,
    sonal parikh.

  31. July 10, 2008 5:35 pm

    Vinay, thanks. Unfortunately I am not in touch with any women’s organisations. I wish you the best of luck in your project.

    Sonal, I am sorry to hear your story. I think its best that you try and become financially independent, if it is possible.
    And you are welcome to email me with the details of this workshop with photos. Unless I see it I cannot say anything about it.

  32. nicegirl permalink
    July 15, 2008 11:25 pm

    Hello Nita,

    I am soon going to be a Single mother , as i will be getting divorced in the next few months. My whole world has turned upside down as i have to start right from the scratch. My main concern is the roof over my and my childs head. Life becomes even more difficult and complicated for a divorcee women with children. They are not only shunned by the society but even by their own relatives, brothers and sisters. I searched a lot for single moms group or divorcee womens club in mumbai, where we can share our problems thereby gaining strength and courage to face the world.However i could not find any such group. Do you know any such group in mumbai? I would really appreciate your help.

    You are a brave girl to have decided to strike out on your own and I wish you all the best. To my knowledge there is single mom’s group in the sense of a formal group or a divorcee club. There used to be one in Bangalore and I think it is still there. But even that was for the rich crowd. About a self-help group, now thats different, and I am sure there is something like that in Mumbai. I hope that someone who reads this comment will respond with information! However, I think there are ways to find out. Perhaps you can approach a women’s counseling centre and ask them. Best of luck. – Nita.

    • Nisha permalink
      June 20, 2012 5:20 pm

      Dear Nita,
      Can u please tell me regarding the group for the divorcees in Bangalore. ?

  33. July 16, 2008 11:48 pm

    Dear neeta,
    thanks 4 reading my story.i can send u pictures of this workshop.i have also read mr.vinay post.i can surely help him if is ready to come to gujrat.hecan contact me on your website.if he is really intersted i can take him to the villages where i have conducted this workshop.there he can actully meet real widow who r from socio-economically backward.most of them r aunghta(thumb usear)chap.but still they r fighting spirite is amazing.
    with warm regards,
    sonal parikh.

  34. July 26, 2008 8:51 am

    Dear Nita,

    After I read your blog on the above topic, I felt I had found a person I could pour my heart out. I have also written you an email to your email ID.

    Let me tell u something about myself and what I am going through.

    Born an only child, lost my mom 10 days after I was born.
    Grew up an extremely lonely and insecure child, always trying to find a mother substitute and some love somewhere, in someone.
    Dad was around for me until I was a kid but withdrew after I became a teen. He never fulfilled my emotional needs or my desperate longing for love.
    My grandma brought me up and hers was a love-hate relationship with me. She abused me verbally saying I was the reason for my mom’s death yet was very posessive and loved me too.
    I had no family, no siblings to play with or share my feelings. None of my aunts wanted the responsibility of a motherless child looking to be loved.
    I grew up like a wild flower without any nurturing, care or security.
    When I grew up, instead of studying well and concentrating on my education, all I wanted was to get married, get away, find love and get my own family.

    Mine was an arrnaged marriage, one thing I made sure I told him was that I wanted a friend in my husband, a man who could understand me, my feelings, communicate with me, talk to me about anything and be there for me and it would be vice-versa.
    Well, he promised but he never could or did understand me or be a friend to me. He never fulfilled my emotional needs.
    But I had made my bed and since he was a nice man, decided to stick to the marriage, had 2 wonderful kids, married in 86, went to the US and lived there till 2004.

    In 2003, he lost his job, went into paranoia and depression and we lost everything we had there and I was forced to come to India with my 2 kids and he did not come back with me, nor took treatment. To this day, he is the same way. I got divorced in India in 2006.

    For the last 4 years from 2004-now, I have been a single parent, ( I am now 45, but a very young looking one) to the best of my ability fulfilled my kids emotional needs, been a strong mother and woman, put my past behind me and enjoyed my life, travelled a lot which is my passion. I have made sure that I am always there for my kids and emotionally supported them, I don’t want them to go through any of the voids I went through or am going through.

    Now my son is almost 18 and leaving for US in Aug.
    My daughter who is 13 will still be with me.
    I cannot even explain the pain of parting with my son. I have tried to analyse myself and I am sure all parents experience the pain of parting with their children but I seem to be feeling more than usual, it’s like I am sinking, it’s like I had rebuilt and recreated a family with just the three of us again after my marriage broke down, but now it’s almost like my family is getting shattered again. Now it will only be my daughter and me and I am floundering. My son had been not only a son to me but also my friend, mentor, guide, since he is very practical, responsible and mature for his age. Now I feel like a lost ship in the storm of life, not able to find anchor or direction and no welcoming port to take refuge.

    What makes it worse for me is my daughter and I are utterly alone, we have no relatives or cousins who care, they have all drifted away, I have no siblings with whom I can share my ups and downs, my dad who is pretty old now does not care nor can he give us moral support which is what I need very desperately. I don’t know where to turn or to whom to talk to or who might listen to me and help me out.

    These are couple of things I am trying to assuage our loneliness and if any of them works, that would be great.
    1. I am getting increasingly lonely day by day, although I have my daughter and I try to travel with her, do many activities, I miss adult companionship and a family. Both my daughter and I long for a family where we can go to and be a part of them, we have a lot of love and caring to give, all we want is someone to accept us and give us a family and let us be part of their festivals, family gatherings, going on picnics, movies, dinners together as a group and maybe they also have daughters who are around my daughters age and they can become friends too.
    Does anyone have a large enough heart to accept us as their family?

    2. I live in Bangalore and I wish to start or join a regular meet up support group for people who are divorced, widowed, separated, single parents, I am sure there must be some more out there who feel the same way I do, who are struck by loneliness, whose families have kept them at a distance, who also needs support from another woman sailing in the same boat.
    If there is another single mom, working woman who has a daughter around 10 and above, I can rent a room for her in my home and she can be with us as paying guests but they will be family, we will share ups and downs, do activities together, kids will play together.
    How do I find someone like this and where?

    3. I am also trying to find a permanent companion for marriage, understanding, communication and love and caring. How wonderful it will be to meet a soulmate. I don’t have much hope about it but I do want to be a little happy, I have a passion for travel, it would be wonderful to find a man who can understand, communicate and be a moral support and emotional sustenance for me and my daughter and we can travel together, get involved in activities and be there for each other.
    I did try some websites but none of them work for me.
    It’s become very hard for me to relate to a completely local Indian man unless he has travelled abroad extensively or is very, very smart and is modern in his thinking. I seem to be able to relate only to a foreigner or an Indian male who has lived abroad many years. It is a problem and I don’t know what to do about it.

    Sometimes I lose the will to live cos life has become so meaningless and it’s the worst thing when u know there is no one else in the world for u except the kids, and the empty days and nights are terrifying, everyone needs some love and caring and to be with other people and I need it too.

    I am lost and feel I am sinking. Please help.
    M

    • October 8, 2009 5:15 pm

      Hello M,
      I am so sorry after seeing yr story but u dont worry u will get smetrhing good soon.

    • anitha permalink
      October 12, 2010 12:05 am

      Hi M,

      sorry for late reply and today i came to know aboout this site. i am also alone in my life. i understood what is loneliness, can i have your personal email id.
      my id: anitha.rinson(at)yahoo.com

  35. Eve Terran permalink
    July 29, 2008 12:08 am

    I belong to an online discussion group for mothers who were or are single during their pregnancy. I am a single mother of an 11 year old, and have found the support from this group immeasurable. The list serve is through cafemom.com and the website sponsoring the group is singlepregnancy.com. I’m also trying to be as involved as I can in the movement to further mother’s rights in the workplace and overall economic rights for mothers and single mothers. I know in the U.S., those issues are finally getting some attention, although we are still dominated by the cave men mentality here as well.

  36. nicegirl permalink
    August 10, 2008 8:53 pm

    Hello MK,

    How i wish you were in Mumbai so that we could meet or start a group for single mothers, something like that. I am a single mother with a 3 year old kid. At present i stay with my mother and guess what we are just 3 in our little family. Yes my brother does come to see us sometimes, but not regularly.

    Yes one does feel lonely and despondent at times but then we all have to make a choice either feel depressed or get on with what you have and make the most out of it. My personal philosophy is that ” No matter what, I also have a right to be HAPPY” So i try to enjoy even the small things in my life which earlier i never used to take notice.

    My other suggestion if you dont mind, would be to get involved in an NGO. So that you can spend quality time with those who really need it. I have done so myself and it helps.

    All the best

    • April 6, 2009 6:36 pm

      Hi
      I have been in search of single mothers group to share my experiences and learn and understand some from others. If you happen to b in Mumbai ..i would like you to contact me on my mail id.

  37. August 17, 2008 8:39 am

    Thank you nicegirl,

    Yes, I am thankful for what I have left, I have also decided to be involved in an NGO either with small children or women who have suffered.

    I have tried to get on with life and live and enjoy each day, yes I do have a right to be happy, but I am still human, there are days when I am so insecure of being by ourselves and immensely lonely with no family or friends or companion and that’s when I life pulls me down.

    I wish there were others in Bangalore I could start a support group with but how and where to reach them is what I am trying to find out.

    Meantime if anyone knows about any groups in Bangalore or wants to write to me, please write to:

    adjobs2004@yahoo.com

    Thank you

  38. Shrins permalink
    September 13, 2008 1:30 pm

    I Read MK & Nicegirl’s blog, really very touching, I really feel very sorry about the way they have expressed, i too have brought up with sisters,mother,aunt,granny, I really feel very pained about the MK’s words, I wish all the happiness and a good company to her.

  39. nicegirl permalink
    September 19, 2008 7:31 pm

    This is a truly INSPIRING article which i came came across in the TIMES OF INDIA. We all think that we have so many problems to deal with, but then we are not alone….

    CHANDIGARH: A Mumbai woman, who walked out of her troubled marriage and now works for women’s empowerment, was selected Tuesday for the 2008 Neerja Bhanot award for showing tremendous courage, compassion and commitment in life.

    Chanda Asani, 41, was chosen for the award by the jury of the Neerja Bhanot Pan Am Trust.

    The award is given in the memory of air-hostess Neerja Bhanot, a 23-year old Senior Purser of Pan Am Airways from here, who gave up her life while saving scores of others during a Pan Am plane hijack at Karachi Airport Sep 5, 1986.

    For her act of bravery, Neerja became the youngest recipient of the Ashoka Chakra, India’s highest civilian award for bravery, in 1987.

    The award comprises a reward of Rs.150,000, a citation and a trophy.

    Asani was married off at the young age of 15 years but soon found that the man she was married to was having a series of love affairs with other women. Despite having two children, Asani’s husband refused to take care of them.

    Asani, who had done her higher secondary, was forced to take up odd jobs to sustain the family. Life was a living hell for her as her husband openly wooed other women.

    Chanda did not want to go back to her father as she had three unmarried sisters and was afraid that the social stigma of her broken marriage would reflect on them too.

    However, when she was only 23, she took a bold decision and left her husband’s house in Mumbai.

    She moved to her father-in-law’s house in Adipur, Kutch-Gujarat, with her two sons but she was not able to live in peace there.

    Her husband married another woman in Mumbai. As she and her sons were ridiculed for her husband’s activities in Adipur, she decided to move back to Mumbai.

    Determined to change her destiny and not cow down to fate, Asani went back to studying, passed her masters degree in English literature and did a programme on women development studies.

    But problems did not end for her. Her health failed her – she underwent a glaucoma operation and was bedridden with arthritis. But she faced the odds, even going to the United States to be a nanny for some time.

    But soon she returned to work among women in India.

    Since then, the SNDT Women’s University Rural Development Centre in Mumbai has been a part of her life.

    Her devotion is towards ‘Kalyani’, a rural women’s co-operative in Kulak village near Udwada in Gujarat, where she coordinated with workers at the grassroots level, arranged non-formal education and training programmes and explored employment opportunities under a sustainable livelihood programme.

    When told that she had won the Neerja Bhanot award, Asani had only one thing on her mind – Kalyani.

    “The roof of the (Kalyani) centre is in a bad shape and I was not able to get funds for the work. But now I will ask them to find out details of the repairs so that we can start work immediately,” she said.

    The Neerja Bhanot Award will be conferred on Asani Oct 5 at a ceremony to be held here, said Aneesh Bhanot, brother of Neerja Bhanot.

    • Nrupa permalink
      October 13, 2009 3:51 pm

      I really don’t think I have advice to give to anyone. However, my experience is worth sharing. I got divorced very recently after 21 years of marriage. Have a 15 year old son. I had married to a guy I met in college. Together then we had gone to the US and lived there for a number of years. Studied and worked there as well. Both of us are highly educated. Thoughout my married life, my ex-husband kept on giving me a hard time – mental and physical abuse. I kept on thinking I love this guy so I have to put up with this (know it sounds wierd knowing my educational background and US experience!). Divorce never crossed my mind. During fights I may have mentioned it at times but never meant it..Anyhow, this type of relationship continued for 15 years. 15 year onwards, he started having affairs. Each time I will catch him, he will apologize and I would give in. He had two affairs. then he had the third one..this time, I kicked him out. After that, he never came back. Apparently, the first two time he came back to me only because those women did not want to marry him. This one did. I am economically very sound, so, only took money from him to pay for my son’s US education. I live independantly with my son. All our friends do not even talk to my ex – even though they were originally his friends. Even some of his family also only talks to me. Everyone thinks he has done wrong things and they are supporting me. Me and my son, we are part of everyone’s plan and we like it. We are living life king size!
      Every time I talk to single people, I feel most people are depressed. Even if they start looking for a companion, they are just trying to fill a hole. I am also looking but am very upbeat. I know that my life can only get better..as always! I admit that I have my lows, but, then I always think it is his loss. I am truly a loving, caring and intelligent person who is beautiful both inside and outside. I will find someone who will value me -finally I have taken charge of my life!

  40. roshni permalink
    November 2, 2008 9:38 pm

    Hi Nicegirl,

    Did you find out about any groups for single mom’s in Mumbai? Please write here, if you have.

    I have a 3 year old son. Separated from my husband 2 months ago. Staying with my mom who is a widow. And looking for such a group too.

  41. nicegirl permalink
    November 9, 2008 7:40 pm

    Hello Roshni,

    I am sorry to say this, but i was unable to find any such single mothers group in Mumbai. I think that there are such groups, but probably they are located at the city side, not in the western suburbs where i stay.

    I have heard or read somewhere that divorced single mothers from Dr.Anjali Chhabria’s clinic called mindtree, which is located at Juhu, Mumbai have formed such a group. However i dont come from a highly affluent background, and would find it difficult to mingle with the women from the high society.

    I got divorced last month and am looking forward to a better tomorrow. I totally believe in this phrase “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”.

    If you want to contact me personally, you could email me at nicegal.girl@gmail.com

    All the best!

  42. renu permalink
    January 4, 2009 1:32 am

    I am a single mother in Mumbai. Though am educated and work at a call centre at nights, I find it difficult to manage my 3 yr old. I live with my parents and they do support us but they teach the child negative things about her father which I dont find it healthy for the 3 yr old. I dont want my child to build to grow with hatred for anyone. Her father is a real nice person and brings her sweets/chocolates/gifts every week he visits her. The only reason we got separated was because my parents always used to interfere in our matters and they caused our separation. Also they do things with the child as they please. For example, they will keep watching TV till 1 -2 AM at night and will keep the child awake with them. I have told them several times to put the child to bed early but they yell back at me and I cant do anything. Is there an organization or group that can help me. I want to move out of my parents house as I believe they ruined my life and now they want to do the same to my poor child. Please write to me sharmarenuedr(at)gmail.com

    Renu, one is not sure which city you live in, but if you check the directory you will find women’s organisations in every city. It is also possible for you to do this on your own. Find a couple of rooms in a safe locality and just move out. However where will you leave your child? Does your office have a creche? Please think of all the options before you think of moving. Another option is to have frank talks with your parents. And if you love your husband, please do try and make up with him. – Nita.

  43. vasudev permalink
    January 4, 2009 9:45 am

    india is at least 50 yrs behind the west in everything. so far i thought we were behind in economical and scientific developments only. quite recently i realised with a shock that india was behind the west even in things cultural and spiritual.

    we have always tom-tomed our cultural superiority. we have interviewed every westerner tourist to reassure ourselves how great a country we were, culturally, spiritually and democratically…a place where multitudes of different faiths live as one, while being great in family ties, cultural values, kathaks and koochipudis, bharat natyams and sarees or chooridars, unified families with a real father and mother! ha! things that the drifting, cultureless, fatherless westerner did not have…wasn’t it? the indian is proud about his/her virtues and wants others to learn from him and so he exported spirituality and culture. only thing, like a poor chess player he forgot to keep a watch on his own court and concentrated entirely on the opposition and …lost his pawns, one by one.

    came the western culture, it, tv nudity, soap operas, bare chest salmans, call centres and we lost all cultural values, family ties etc.etc. our culture is so weak that just one generation could smash it to bits. came t shirts, pants, pizza huts and belly dancers and alongwith that came western styles like open smooching! (seen at bangalore mg road and mumbai airport…indians doing it!)…came boy friends / girl friends and we saw men and women living together in apartments w/o marriage. came greed for dowry and we saw brides being used as firewood.

    indian culture is behind the western culture…50 yrs ago west had experimented with all this. they had marriages and they brought out good children. but somehow children learned to distance themselves from parents quickly (maybe because of loose govt laws which tells the parents: hit your child and face jail!) indian children were with culture as long as they had no money. with money they got liberated from the cultural jail and went on a binge. that is where we are right now.

    one thing i have taught my children is this: after marriage the only important person in your life is your partner…not your parents. emotional blackmailing and rent for the womb must stop here!

  44. marrygold permalink
    February 4, 2009 7:12 pm

    Hi M ,

    please check our website http://www.marrygold.co.in
    and you may write to us . We are based in Bangalore

    Nandini

  45. pratibha permalink
    February 4, 2009 9:49 pm

    Hi,

    Looking for a support group in Bangalore. A friend is going thru a nasty divorce, which seems to be taking forever. She works full time and has a 4 year old daughter. She needs some kind of support group, so she can manage to do justice to raising the child, earning her bread & butter and live respectably.

    • Anil Kumar permalink
      September 2, 2016 12:08 pm

      Are there any support groups in Bengaluru now? If not like minded friends can start one too right? Regards

  46. ravi shankar permalink
    March 29, 2009 11:21 pm

    Hi,
    the posts were simply thought provoking. enough food for thought. It summarizes indian social fabrik despite increase in education levels. I must say that most of us are literate barely countable amongst us happen to be educated. coz my feeling is that just by going to a school or college and holding on to a job/profession doesnt make us educated . maybe we just know how to read n write n speak bla bla bla. in reality we are boorish brutes . we are not gutsy enough to owe up our shortcomings rather we are super dupers.
    any way i salute u for the spirit in u in trying to reach out by way of morale boosting. gr8 job. keep it going

  47. October 8, 2009 5:05 pm

    I really very happy after seeing this blog. I came late in this blog but now a days i have seen men make more frauds, they just go for the lust and the single parent ( especially women) are the easy hunts. So, plz requesting you, if you find someone then plz get all the info. about that person and then go ahead.

    I even found few good friend who were widow, divorcee and few got married coz i introduded them luckily and now they are happy.

    • Avradita permalink
      May 18, 2011 4:53 pm

      good Amit.. u did a good job..

  48. October 8, 2009 11:33 pm

    Nita,

    This article is biased and it is showing only one side of Widowed. Divorced. Unmarried.
    Single mothers in India but the same is true for a father also…….Widowed. Divorced.
    Unmarried Single fathers in India also face an uphill task.Their is no jadoo or anything
    which works for a man being male.

    “Cinderella Syndrome” This holds good for a male also.
    “Economic problems” if the wife is housewife than the husband has to give huge alimony which will create economic problem to a husband.
    “Being both mother and father” Its tough for a male also being mother and father of a kid.
    “Single mothers not accepted” single father’s are also not freely accepted.
    “The story of a woman” for all divorces/separations and deaths there will be equal stories
    for men also.

    “Indian Law says that divorced women can only receive one-third of the combined income of
    the both marriage partners. A big disadvantage for working women who get divorced.”
    This sentence is showing women in poor light saying for women its better to be housewife
    rather than working ..just for alimony..? this harms gender equality. Woman shouldn’t be
    Dependant on alimony if she is working.

    “After a divorce they do not just have to support themselves, but also kids and the money is
    not enough.”
    For the maintainence of the kids there is a maintainence act as per Indian law and the
    maintainence is the equal responsibility of a husband and wife…why shy away from gender
    equality ..?

    “They are not entitled to a car or a house. As often they work simply to supplement the
    family income (as they want to give attention to the family) this hits them in the gut if
    they get divorced.”
    The alimony granted if the woman is housewife is as per the standard of living of
    husband.again its in Indian law.regarding the woman’s salary if she is working for a time
    pass job and her income just supplements the family income than the clause of 1/3rd of
    combined salary will give her justice.regarding the ancestral property and the enjoyment of
    the ancestral house/conveyance the rights will always be with the in -laws.same holds good
    for womans ancestral property also..as now woman gets equal share from her parents.A wife can’t demand the status of the father-in-laws.

    “If they are simply housewives, they get more alimony from their husbands.”
    This is against the concept of gender equality.This wont hold good with progressive woman
    nor it does any good for the family ..both husband and wife should be equal partners..

    “And if they opt for high paying careers, they don’t need the alimony. Recently a man
    demanded alimony from his wife after the divorce as he was jobless…and guess what? Our
    ‘equitable’ Indian courts gave it to him!”
    Of course,men should be awarded the alimony if he can’t maintain himself after divorce due to unemployment or layoff..Its true in the west also.No big deal in this..money is something
    which is equal to both male and female.infact indian women should be ready to marry
    unemployed indian men, if men can be happy house-husbands.Whats wroung ?
    there is nothing wroung if a woman can earn big fat pay-cheaque and can give a life to a
    unemployed guy or after divorce she has to give alimony that too equal to her
    status..everyone needs to survive..

  49. Ruchi permalink
    October 29, 2009 3:58 pm

    Your article really showed me the mirror.
    my husband left me when a daughter was born. i hadnt been discharged from the hospital when he left. its been a year now and i haven’t been able to speak to him. also what i have found out now is that all the jewellery which i had has been taken away from our joint locker and so has been the property in joint name. my husband has asked me to give in writing that am mentally unstable and only after that he will meet me and the baby. this is sheer ridiculous. the society we have really prefers me to do that but then i just couldnt do it. your article strenghens my resolve to take him to court. its never too late!!

    thanks a lot.

  50. ruchi permalink
    November 7, 2009 10:01 pm

    pls let me know of any single parent support gps in bangalore.
    i’m a soon to be legally single mom of a 3 yr young child.

    • Jyothi permalink
      November 9, 2009 4:11 pm

      Hello ruchi,

      i am also making an enquiry for the same. please do let me know if u are aware of any such support groups. I am pregnant and my husband has left me. where do u reside at bangalore .. do get in touch with me my mail id is kiranrish@gmail.com

      sad to know that there are many woman aroud with so much of problems😦

      i was thinking i am the only one who is suffering and not many

      pray to god that we single moms get courage to lead a happy life… but the scar always remains

  51. Jyothi permalink
    November 9, 2009 4:06 pm

    hi,

    can someone please help me with marriage counsellors in bangalore. i am 8 weeks pregnant and my husband has left me and i am taking care of my expenses my self. My parents have spent a lot on me and now they are left with nothing to spend on me … hence i have to earn my living i can only get moral support from them.

    mine is a love marriage and my husband left me and he got my first baby aborted. at the same time i was staying in a joint family with my in laws but what i noticed is he would even die for his family members he works like a dog and sacrifices everything for his family and till date he has done nothing for me not even bothered to take me to hospital even if i am dying sick… i have done a lot for him and his family

    i really feel lonely now and i need counselling… can someone help me with free counselling in bangalore

    thanks

    • Sushma permalink
      March 25, 2011 12:20 pm

      Hi Jyothi,

      As u said ur parents have left u and as far as u have mentioned he takes care of his family where in at the first point its clear he carries his family responsibility, also its not clear whether u r against his this kind of behavior.i agree there are family issues but if he doesn’t take u to the hospital and if this is the reason i think u both can sort the matter urself where u dont need a counsellor.

      -Sushma.

  52. November 12, 2009 5:36 pm

    i am a single parent mother having 5 year old sweet boy.i got divorced 2 years back but staying with my father since 5.3years.my family brought me from my inlaws place in a very bad condition when i was 6 months pregnant.my son did not even see his father in his 5 year life span.but his father never turned up and inquired for his well being.but anyhow i m managing with the things,surely with many problems.i am a teacher and trying to provide every possible requirements to my son.my mother died 15 years back and father a heart patient.only one elder sister.above all cant forget his father and resettle somewhere else with so many insecurities.i am not prepared to re settle down coz i have decided to live only for my son and cant even share my love with anyone else except my son as it is he is lacking one strong relaton in his life.now adays i am finding chages in him even his teacher is also finding some changes.he is loosing confidenceand getting irritated ,not listening to me or teacher,ask about fathers to his classmates.im fearing that he do not get diverted as i am working very hard inspite of not being financially sound,lacking support just to bring him up like other kids,giving him good education,but how?i am 35 and good appearence.my son is my life i cant think of my life without him because somehow ui also miss love and care in my life since my moms death.iwant to provide my son a beautiful world with so many problems?reply me on my email address as i do not find answers anywhere or kindly lrt me know where to find answer.

    • Sushma permalink
      March 25, 2011 12:13 pm

      Hello,

      Read your blog, and wanted to ask u is whether ur son knows the fact of his father or wht have u told him abt the same, secondly don’t worry at all believe in yourself and at the right time speak to ur son politely and try to tell him the fact and also u dont ditatch urself form socializing go and make friends try to give plenty time to ur son and be with him as he needs guidance and care and i am sure u will give him the best🙂

      -Sushma.

  53. Sakura permalink
    November 17, 2009 11:54 pm

    Hi, I have read some articles given above and I am an unmarried single mother. But my nationality is Japanese, so how we perceive this matter may be different since we Japanese have more single mothers in everywhere in my countries and nothing more unusual.

    What I have thought about this articles is that we, single mothers have to manage to live anyhow to survive life no matter what. Now I am lucky that I have family who support me and thanks to them I can work.
    However I am also concerned about my son’s education, the side efffect which comes from lack of attention and so on.

    Having lived in India, I found it very difficult to get support from someone since there are almost none organization or policies that are warm to single mothers.

    Still I don’t feel that Indian society is getting westernized. The tradition is surely there in this matter.

  54. mamoni permalink
    December 8, 2009 6:27 pm

    Hi,
    I am a mother of a 4year old girl child.I am separated from my husband for sometime .During this separation my husband never ever took the initiative of asking me how i am managing to bring up my daughter.I am working and am able to handle financial problems.Since my husband never ever took any interest on how my daughter’s all the needs are taken care of i have not involved him.I want my daughter to get admitted in a good school but every school wants both the parents to fill up the admission form and also to be present at the time of admission interview.Please can any one tell me if there ais any prejudice of of admitting a child of a divorced mother in agood school? Will it be any problem to get my daughter admitted in a good school because i am separated or going to get divorced?

    A lot of schools are now enlightened. And if it isn’t, its not a good school is it! You need to tell them straight off what the problem is. Don’t hide it. – Nita

    • mamoni permalink
      December 9, 2009 10:52 am

      Hi Nita,

      Thank You very much for your reply. I surely did not intend to hide it but your remarks made me more strong.
      Thank you again.

      • mamoni permalink
        March 17, 2010 5:46 pm

        Hi Nita,

        I am happy to tell you that I got my daughter admitted to a good school in kolkata. I want my daughter to grow up a responsible person and a good human being who can take care of herself by standing on her two feet.

        Thanks Again!!

        Thats wonderful to hear. All the best to you and her. – Nita

        • chitra permalink
          March 9, 2011 5:22 pm

          hi mamoni

          this is chitra. i hope u remember, once u had left a scrap for me on this blog.

          i need your help. if possible mail me or send me your mobile no.

          regards chitra

          • mamoni permalink
            March 25, 2011 10:33 am

            Hi Chitra,

            I had mailed you.. but did not get any reply from your end.. Plz let me know your problem

            • chitra permalink
              May 14, 2011 11:51 pm

              hi how r u i vent received yr mail yet can we b frens

              this is my new mail id, do send me yrs as well

              chitra

              • Avradita permalink
                May 16, 2011 9:35 am

                sorry i did not recieve ur mail id.. here it cannot be seen

  55. Shweta permalink
    December 14, 2009 5:11 pm

    Dear Nita,
    I am a 30 yr old single mother with a 3 yr old daughter i was always haraased by my mother in law and husband my mother in law always used to find flaws in any work that was done by me and my husband used to beat me initially he used to best me in our room but as time passed by he started hitting me in front of his entire family i.e parents and elder brother and my daughter. he has asked me to leave the house even before and have thrown me out for atleast 4 times but my mother always took me back explaining to me thta life is such and all bakwas but now its for the 5th time i myself have walked out with my daughter when he did hit me badly the night befor epls everybody has beeen traumatising me ever since did i take this step his sister in laws have been calling me and asking me as to what is my decision but yes i would like to tell you that before leaving his house i had also mentioned a police complaint with domestic violence against him and his mother only the problem is that all my jejwellery and clothes and everything is with them my husband says that he will never divorce me but i do not wish t live with a mad man

    pls help
    Shweta

    My dear Sweta, You need to take the help of a women’s organisation in the city you live in. They will give you the support. I think if your husband beats you its best to walk out because he will not change unless he has therapy. Be strong and get help. – Nita

  56. jaya permalink
    January 22, 2010 8:57 pm

    Hi!
    I am a 40 yr old woman. I was married 16 yrs ago. Life was going on very smoothly, when in an accident, my husband died, within one yr of marriage. Being very attached to my in-laws family I was soon remarried to my brother-in-law (5 yrs younger to me, but with our free consent, as we had become great friends). In 2,3 years as I started doing well professionally, problems began between us. Of course our jobs were very different. Ultimately he left home & gradually his family too left me to live all by myself. It ultimately led to a divorce 2yrs ago. Finances were not a problem as I was doing well in my job, but loneliness of 3,4 years was killing me. There was no baby (another strong desire left unfulfilled). Throughout I was far away from my hometown. After 10-12yrs of so called married life I didn’t have the guts nor a desire to come back to my family & relatives.
    Soon after the legal divorce there was a proposal from a widower who had 2 kids. His long romantic telephonic conversations & the thought of being a mother of his kids gave me a ray of hope, after years of of shedding tears & betrayal from my most loved ones. I also decided to give up my carrier & moved to his city. Soon I realized that he stayed absolutely withdrawn, sarcastic & rude towards me, most of the time. I was asked that I should not bear kids. The companion I was looking for wasn’t there.
    His kids were v. sweet, but came with a lot of responsibility. I was used to a very comfortable living earlier, which was missing here. I did not mind the challenges of suddenly being a mom of two, job hunting in a new city, the feeling of no more being an earning person & being without any known face in his city. The worst was his withdrawal. Ultimately in a few months time I left his house, although for a short while trying to understand where my life was heading. But seeing my condition my family refused to send me back.
    He restarted his sweet telephonic promises. Gradually it all stopped.I too went through a horrible sense of guilt of leaving behind his kids. Presently for about an year I am with my family, settling down in yet another city. Emotionally I am better now with their constant support. In the last few days he has restarted sending me mails about continuing our marriage on a fresh note, although it is clear that I will not shift anywhere else now. The reason for his withdrawal he says was missing his late wife.

    It is tough for me to choose between an absolutely lonely life (leaving aside my parents family) or to lead a compromised life with him. Although to share with you, my ex- husband is still unmarried & is working in the same city as me.
    Somewhere my soul still misses him & his family. We had shared lot of ups & downs together & almost till the end we never meant to harm each other.But I do not know what is there in his mind. This feels odd & guilty, when I am legally someone else’s wife.
    I also know that if I strictly close my doors to the past, I will be able to give myself 100% in the new relation. But thinking of his rowdy behaviour only sends negative signals. The thought of his kids definitely brings a smile.

    I am in a soup. Please help from whatever you have understood from this long mail.

    Dear Jaya, where marriage and love is concerned I feel you should follow your heart. Your heart says that the new husband does not make you happy. No point being miserable with him in the hope of a few moments of joy. It is wrong to sacrifice yourself for two children who will grow up and move away. You are still young and I think it is better to be alone rather than be in a loveless and unhappy marriage. I cannot say much about your first husband as I do not know what caused the rift. I think you should not relate the two. For eg, if not the first, then the second. A husband for the sake of a husband makes no sense to me. – Nita

  57. Ruchi permalink
    January 25, 2010 11:58 am

    Dear Nita,

    I am a single mom and based in Delhi. Please help if you are aware of a single mom group in the town.

    Thanks,
    R

    • Vaidehi Krishnan permalink
      January 30, 2011 9:26 pm

      Dear Ruchi,

      Please contact us at the above email id for further information on an upcoming non-profit organization in Delhi with such a mission to help women irrespective of their backgrounds.

      Best,
      V….

  58. chitra permalink
    February 9, 2010 11:53 pm

    hi nita

    i am chitra, i m a mother of 10 months old baby boy, i stayed with my husband for 8 months, in 5th month i got pregent due to complicationsin my pregency my husband in inlaws had send me to my parents home, i m stayin with my parents from past 2years and my baby is suffering from severe cardiac problem. my husband s not ready to keep me and my child anymore with him and he s not ready to pay any money for my child treatment as well. i have filed court case against him, he is not giving me divorse as well due to monetry reasons, i am giong to join back to my job in few months but because of my husband unessary indirectly disturbance for my parents it becomes very difficult for me concerate on my baby and my career.i wnat to leave that person as soon as possible so that i can give full concerns on my baby and what should i do please suggest

    Dear Chitra, in your message it seems to me that you have charted out your plan of action already. Please have the courage to go through with your plans. There is no point being with someone who disowns his wife and baby because of their health problems. If he is refusing to divorce you because of monetary concerns, you can agree to waive the alimony. I know that is a hard decision and entirely up to you. But if it is a question of moving on with your life then I think it is important. In any case even if you get alimony there is no guarantee that this person will pay on a regular basis. Best is move on with your life. – Nita

    • chitra permalink
      February 14, 2010 11:03 pm

      hi nita

      thanx a lot fir your reply, but about the alimony my lawyer had already suggested me and i had given approval to him, but till now its been 8 months my husbang and his family members ve been kept quite, my mom is airthiritis patient, she s not well at ll, there is no one who can take care of my child if i jion back on my job, my baby’s condition is also getting critical day by day, he has started turning blue, is there any other way to get my husband in court, because on dates he never turns up,

    • mamoni permalink
      March 3, 2010 10:23 am

      Hi Chitra,
      Sad to hear your incidence, but i would suggest you ask for alimony which is your right. The child is not only yours it is his too how can someone disown his wife and child just like that?
      If you let him go just like that there can be more incidence like that and every father will think they do not have any responsibility towards his child … and will get on with it..

      • chitra permalink
        March 10, 2010 10:35 pm

        hi Mamoni

        thanx you so much for your advice , can you mail me at chitra_chocolate@rediffmail.com

      • chitra permalink
        March 9, 2011 5:24 pm

        hi

        i need yr help can u send me yr mail id on my mail address or yotu telephone no

        • Avradita permalink
          May 16, 2011 3:03 pm

          please give me your new e-mail id, my email id is avradita.r@gmail.com

          • Avradita permalink
            May 18, 2011 5:00 pm

            please do not get confused.. my actual name is Avradita.. i used “mamoni” as for this blog..🙂

  59. Cherrycola permalink
    March 4, 2010 12:28 pm

    Hi there all..been reading this blog for almost two hours now..and just to give some heads up how I reached to this forum..I intend to become a single mother with the help of a donor(someone whom I really like, however,marriage is not on cards).

    Right now, I’m still contemplating how should I go about handling all of this.Since,both of us are divorced, hence,re-marriage is something we are not looking forward to.We both are still contemplating on the legal,financial and various other emotional,social aspect of this decision.The donor however, does not want any participation in the child’s life in the future.

    I would want to start my own family, where adoption is one option I have kept open, however,bringing my own bilogical child is something I am looking forward to.

    I would want to hear all your ideas/suggestions/advices from you lovely people. Maybe some constructive approach to this will strengthen my confidence.

  60. vasudev permalink
    March 7, 2010 12:13 am

    what i wud consider, in view of the fact that we shud be saying: ‘om satan’ and not ‘om krishna’. this is a satanic world 9as correctly predicted by hinduism, where ‘kali’ or the ‘satan’ would rule while the ‘good’ or the ‘god’ would be down on bed with fever…

    1. why marriage at all? for children?

    2. why children at all? so that you can watch them leave u and get employed by them as nannies and wet-nurses i your old age?

    3. where do u find your end? in your own house where your child wud arrive to take care of u till yr end? or in yr child’s house whr u wud compete wth yr child’s spouse to gain lefitimate attn and love?/ or wud u end up in an old afe home, not cared for or looked after by yr far off busily money making children?

    4. i propose a like minded society of unmarried men and women who wud live together, have sex, have respect, have love for each other not bridled by the chains of marriage…a society of frineds who have shared member partners and have lived in romantic thoughts and in competitive spirit till the last…with no off springs/no liabilities/…just themselves…a society which has no boundaries of language/caste/creed/religion/physical age but with the strong common bond of survival and mutual help.

    maybe you weren’t looking for these answers. but consider them. consider the whole affair as a : ‘balance statemnt’ of investments vs returns.

  61. Cherrycola permalink
    March 8, 2010 9:06 pm

    Hi,
    Well Vasudev, your comments definitely is a food for thought and there are many who are living the same as your described ‘balance statement’.However, there are a few like me, who are neither that side of the fence nor this side. Which I beleive is absolutely okay for many like me.

    Here,the contemplation is the extreme sense of human existence and its survival.Marriage is an organised institution for the easing out several civil activities which we human being have defined and underlined. But there are people, who have different way of seeing life and living it thoroughly carrying responsibilities being a part of the mass.

    The practical huddles are enumerous of bringing a child and raising it for it to one day make its own place in the world.That is where support of people with similar beliefs is imperative.

  62. vasudev permalink
    March 13, 2010 10:52 pm

    hi cherrycola…may i ask you your nationality?

    • cherrycola permalink
      March 14, 2010 8:50 am

      I am an Indian living in India.

  63. sapna permalink
    June 18, 2010 12:02 am

    I landed up here desparate to find single moms…Read about most of the real life incidents and i feel a bit relieved. I have walked out my marriage having 2 kids…the divorce proceedings is taking it own cool time,,2 yrs now since i loged complaint at tvm family court. It needs courage to shun a untrustworthy and nightmarish marriage..

    Same like most of the other friends spoken here, i too feel no shelter/no family support/.Moreover i am scared of men now. Most of them come forward to help me but i am very cautious,,,,NO I AM actually scared of them. moreover the strange fone calls which i get annoys me a lot. in fact i logged police complaint ..no use. Being a person from health sector my name is visible on ma name board…

    still i should say i feel peaceful now. and though late i am glad that i could walk out of a traumatic marriage of 10 yrs.

  64. Boominathan.R permalink
    July 11, 2010 1:56 pm

    Hello madam. i am doing m.Phil social work. Actually my research area is single mothers and their mental condition and quality of life in puducherry.Now i am in the process of my interpretation work. Especially my findings saying that after divorce, separated,and widows among the single mothers they don’t have that much mental health problem and their quality of life also now a days changed a lot compare with past decades. Even though i was refer many western country article and journals.they are having update of details and giving priority to the study of single mothers. But our India its very rare. we don’t have a single date or study.
    Thanking you

  65. shruti permalink
    August 2, 2010 3:02 am

    I came across the site while browsing, defiantly relived after reading ur article.

    I had an unsuccessful relationship, which ended miserably. Sometimes I keep thinking may be it’s my fault or may be not. OR things would have been different if I had adjusted…but how long I can tolerate his rudeness and short temperament. He used to hit me whatever comes to handy, when he gets angry…And his bad-mouthed words were a lot for me to tolerate.

    Few months back I got a proposal from a 25 year old guy (Software Engineer by profession) through relatives, who wanted to marry me; he is 7 years to younger to me. There was a lot of pressure from my family to accept him…of course we have to pay the guy lump-some dowry, he would be moving into the house where my family is currently living till he gets a dependent visa……This is mindset of an prospective groom…I was literally shocked by the open minded society of unmarried men and Arranged marriage culture…

    Some times I keep thinking, if had accepted probably I would be happier…but Is Marriage for money and security…After going through a divorce, can I trust someone who is younger.

    Never imagined I would be standing at a point where there is no hope for living after all the career and success I made for living..not sure if I am worth of living..?

    Shruti, to marry anyone who asks for dowry is a huge mistake. Such a marriage is not based on equality and you will have to compromise in the marriage. As you said, marriage is not for security only, the main purpose is companionship. There are some men who don’t want companionship as they may get it somewhere else. On another note, your self worth should come from your own self, not by being married to somebody. I doubt whether you would have been happier in a relationship where you suffered abuse. That is not happiness. It is trading in one’s self esteem for superficial status in society. It can lead to great unhappiness and destruction of all self worth in the long run. – Nita.

  66. shruti permalink
    August 15, 2010 6:31 am

    Thanks Nita. Sorry for replying so late. Great article! I think you hit the right points! Especially Cinderella Syndrome… When I was in teens, I dreamed of prince charming which was shattered after my marriage and later I accepted my fate and moved on. But for some reason this dowry issue and attitude of a younger guy accepting me for security has been bugging me. Even in today’s society it became a common practice. Okay you are divorced pay us more or how much was given before..savings earnings? …These questions from groom’s parent’s and inability of me fighting back are killing me every day.

    To be frank I not worried being divorced…but am agitated with this social practices and marriage culture. Probably it will take time for me to get healed.

  67. rupkala permalink
    August 16, 2010 2:35 pm

    I am second marriage women, i have two years old child . But now i can not adjust with my husband and his family because he is always neglect his responsibility about my son and myself. so i want to know what i do now

    • stanley permalink
      November 25, 2010 7:24 pm

      you need to sit down and ask yourself if your husband is the best thing to happen to you. i suggest if you surely realize that you are incompatible, then you have to move on with your life separately. you have a future to live and so does your son. act quickly.

  68. akki permalink
    November 17, 2010 1:30 pm

    Hi. friends
    i m from mumbai i got love ,marriage from delhi i have son 3 years old. i m in to construction business . i had some lost in my business . so my wife started harassing me and my in laws created problem the interfere in my person life . my mother in laws she has brain wash of my wife . she left me with my son . after some month . she call me and gave my son back to me. i keep on telling her that i did some investment in property for our family it does not work out. i m self made man in business i came up again fall down again i will come up and make everything like that how we were having how we use to stay. but she is not ready to listen know is asking divorce from me . what ever i was having she took everything from my house . she was so insecure about me when if any female come to office for job she say no don’t keep any female in office. i use to make her understand but she never listen to me . she use to check my cell phone when i go to sleep. i dont like all this thing i m very loyal to my wife bcz i love her like anything. i have stop my travel business for her, i have stop my export * import business for her . bcz i cannot travel. know she is asking divorce from me i m telling her you come back . i dont have any bad habbit i dont drink i dont smooke i dont have any frds who take me to wrong places .

    i make her understand but she and her mom say no we want divorce . i have difficulty how i work how i looking after my son .

    i dont understand know what to do . filling i decided know she say she want divorce i say i want divorce bcz her behavior i have to stop so many business i came on road. know we are going to fill case in court want to do .

    i m looking some single mom or any divorce guju female who can understand family values to settle again in my life who can understand me and my son well .i will keep her happy like anything.

    please guide we what i m doing is right or wrong do mail me at akki5147@yahoo.in

    because i cannot write blog or read hardliy i get time .

  69. Vaidehi Krishnan permalink
    January 30, 2011 9:32 pm

    Dear Nita,

    I find your blog very interesting. I am working for the cause of women and have special programs for single women as well in my non-profit organization in Delhi. If interested, please contact me at 9711073161. Regards, Vaidehi

  70. Kumar permalink
    March 23, 2011 11:12 am

    Hey, Its Booming time for Divorce in India. So, girls dont worry just be a single women and a Divorcee and you can lead a happy life. Money is not everything in life.You can earn if you work hard just like your dad. But only thing is lonliness and the biological needs.Government has to think about these and have a mating places. I am sure Indian divorcee women can lead a great life being single as they are brave. I feel most of the Indian men they are orthodox and stick to family values & resist change thats the main problem india is facing at present.

  71. May 3, 2011 8:08 pm

    i enjoyed reading your entry here. i am now enlightened on the plight of women in india. i hope you don’t mind me making a reference of your blog in my blog. i wrote about my lying of my status while travelling in india, not knowing that a portion of your society has somehow accepted single parenthood. here’s my entry:
    http://www.byahengbarok.com/2011/05/03/on-india-single-parenthood-and-my-lying/

  72. Strong Soul permalink
    May 23, 2011 6:37 pm

    Indian women always put their all into a marriage/relationship, It would takes extreme of pain to get her to go for a divorce or separation. i’m thankful there are other indian women who are going through the same stuff i’m going through. after years of abuse(verbal,physical, emotional), i just decided that I didn’t want to be belittled and made to feel like dirt by the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. enough, i am strong enough on my own.

    i don’t understand why a woman wouldn’t put her all into a marriage(as volatile as it is/was) just b/c she is educated, she would still think about keeping her family happy and together, that mentality should be done away with, that oh if she’s US return or US educated she would be more eager to leave behind everything and not put any effort. white/black/other american women also stay in abusive marriages for the sake of the kids, they aren’t educated?? women want companionship too, want to keep their husband/kids happy but at some point a woman needs to see that being belittled or abused/made to feel like dirt is something no human being deserves.

    Hopefully all us women who are strong enough to walk away from pain and abuse, God will look over us and we will have the strength and self esteem to find happiness and good companionship with other women/men as friends

  73. lol permalink
    June 5, 2011 10:56 pm

    hi why do india family ley there daughters marry with older men like 46 marry with 25 what that all about thay didnt even no each other he live in england for 20 year gos to india frist time with in four weeks thay marryed him of he got no money and live with english woman at the time and till with her now he been to india 2 time one when he granmother die and one for a family wedding and 5 year later he still dont love her how can he he got life in england he did try to bring her here thay wont let her come goverment same it was plan to bring her here dont reconice there marrage so what will happen there he only sent money once or twice so he dont even look after her and all he family no what he was like befor and after the weeding why thay do this can u answer me pls

  74. moksha permalink
    July 21, 2011 1:02 am

    hi friends,
    i am happy to meet ppl who r sailing in the same boat as mine.m goin thro a divorce too .my husband has left us for another woman while he was posted abroad..i had packed my bags to go with him but he had another plans for me and his new girlfriend .he wanted to keep us both..which i realised after i read his mail.,His parents knew every single thing but helped him to go ahead for his new future thinking that would help him..his father lies at court but there is no justice..i feel sick n helpless thinking after going thro so much trauma i have noone to help me not even god..My hisband isnt coming for the case and has been absconding past 2 yrs now.I feel bad for my son who has to live without his dad..so many of his friends ask him about his dad n he keeps mum ..its extremely ifficult..i have to be with him as i do not want to feel unwanted but i kind of wish to have a job too for his secure life..ny part time job..if any on eknows about it do let me know..I prayed each day for my husbands return bcos i feel his absence in our lives,its getting tougher n tougher..i weep whole day and night..i keep away from many ppl as they keep asking bout my husband..it hurts to lie but i cannot speak the truth for my son sake too.i have told my son that he would come with plenty of toys for him n we would live again.i dont want to break his heart but i feel i m losing myself now.i see happiness all around as a family y did god choose me and my son for this .Thanks i dont feel alone.i m tired of sympathetic advices from ppl whom i v told..but i am unable to fight this situation ..all my relatives r happy with their families and i am the only one in my entire family who is going thro this.when i see a family it hurts me and pinches me to understand y it has to be me.i feel ashamed to attend any function as it only upsets me..i do not know when i will live a peaceful life..

    • Avradita(mamoni) permalink
      July 26, 2011 4:51 pm

      Dear Moksha,

      I totally understand wot Ur going thru.. as i am going thru the same..
      but here the difference was i have left him bcoz he never wanted take my or my daughter’s responsibility.. Actually some people tell wot ever happens happens for good.. but i never found out wot good was in this??..i have a job and support my daughter’s studies and also mine, am living with my parents..

      Wish u have the strength to go thru this.. take care..
      Avradita

      • deepika permalink
        June 1, 2015 11:34 am

        hi
        I am new to the world of blog.I have been separated from my husband for a year,divorce proceedings are still on and like any other typical divorce case my husband has not shown up even once.I came across this as i was looking for a social group for divorcees.I was married in 1998 and went through an abusive marriage in all ways hoping that it will work out. I had a cute son in 2002 again hoping that he would change,nothing worked ,he abused me innumerable times in front of my son,his parents,his sister,relatives.Then i finally left him last year.I still do not know if it was right,it is my son who was only 11 at the time of leaving him has emerged to be very strong and supports me,encourages me to be happy all the time.I too feel insecure,trying to be strong to take on to the cruel world singlehandedly,but what makes me weak is that I am fundamentally a weak person .Iam staying with my parents who are supportive of me.I hope this site gives me the strength to face life as a mother and father both.Thank you.I am most open to connect to people and help each other out.

  75. Sushma permalink
    July 21, 2011 11:21 am

    Hi Moksha,

    Read ur truth of life u r going thru and yes its sad to know such incidences happening in one’s life, but wud like u to focus in ur future life and accept the fact that ur husband is not with u anymore and will really like to u to concentrate in ur job and priority is ur son, High time to cry for whatever has happened and u cannot change the time which is gone but yes u can definately improve ur future by gaining ur self respect and stand on ur own feet.

    One more thing is please dont have any guilt in ur mind that ur hubby is not wid u, reason he has quitted from his responsibility and not u and yes believe in God whatever happens it happens for gud may be u may have more beautiful life in future then what u r having today so pleaseeeee dont loose faith in urself try to fight against this situation and be mentally strong to move ahead.

    Tk care:)
    Sushma.

    • deepika permalink
      June 1, 2015 11:38 am

      You are indeed very encouraging.

  76. the leafless one permalink
    August 8, 2011 12:47 am

    i am glad i found this site.

  77. sarthak permalink
    November 6, 2011 12:45 am

    Hello all,
    i am sarthak… i read many of the blogs and am pretty much moved..
    i dnt hav much to say….
    this is how life is…. i must say in life “nothing is permanent”
    i just have 1 suggestion dat never take life too seriously.. there is solution 4 evrythng
    for all single mothers:: all u need is vision, inspiration, self-control and most of all some fun factor in your life…🙂

  78. Rishi milan permalink
    November 9, 2011 12:22 pm

    The beauty of a woman is not in
    the clothes she wears,
    the figure she carries,
    or the way she combs her hair.

    The beauty of a woman
    must be seen from her eyes,
    because that is the doorway to her heart,
    the place where love resides.

    The beauty of a woman
    is not in a facial mole,
    but true beauty in a woman
    is reflected in her soul.

    It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
    the beauty of a woman
    with passing years—only grows

  79. Rishi milan permalink
    November 9, 2011 12:24 pm

    Best of luck to all of u……god bless u all …… my wishes with all of u …. tc

  80. nasir saleem permalink
    November 15, 2011 4:51 am

    my wife has 2 children son 11, daughter 10 from her previous marriage which lasted 5 years. i like that my wife has had a family before we met. instead of marrying a single girl which i find rather boring, i think girl meets boy is too dull, girl meets boy and has 2 children and then meets real man is much better.

    single men should marry divorcees with kids, it is really good if your wife is more experienced than you. everybody i know knows about my wife’s past and as living in the uk, people like me and her’

  81. December 3, 2011 1:32 pm

    Hi Nita,

    I need some help from your side.

    Could you please let me know if there are some trustful organizations that can help a single unmarried women?

    I am in early 30’s, all alone, in this world, and this loneliness I could not take any more and ended up quitting my job almost 3 years back. I am still not able to cope up. I ended up in losing everything.

    Loner

    There are good organisations to help women in all cities in India. Please look up the yellow pages. Approach any charitable organisation and they will guide you. – Nita.

  82. December 5, 2011 3:23 pm

    your article is so interesting and at the same time very pain full. i am 1 research scholar of sociology and doing work on single women problem in contemporary Indian society. your article honestly give me a visualize practical scenario. on the other hand i am also single. recently i face a tragedy of divorce. so i will try to do something for those women who are single by there destiny. please give me some reply. thanks for your article

    I have no idea what reply you need from me Sharmista. I am not a social worker, but a writer and journalist. You need to get in touch with social workers in your area if you want to help. Thanks for reading. – Nita.

  83. December 9, 2011 9:04 am

    this article is good nd encourage us to live better.

  84. Keerthana permalink
    January 16, 2012 8:49 pm

    I got married a Saravanan in 2006 in bangalore …but two months later i was thrown out of the house…i could not believe it, i wanted my marriage to be the happiest one and tried to do everything for it..he kept sending me out of the house every 2 months and slowly 2 years passed and i could not find any hope…i was getting nervous, my parents told me to leave him..but i never wanted to end my marriage so fast… and on the day of diwali he started a fight with me and threw me out of the house…that was it…i came to my parents house and he kept threatening me to come back…he told we will have a child, etc…but by gods grace i did not have a child from him…and after few months he came with his family and threatened me and my family and that was it, i filed a divorce against him in bangalore which he was shocked and told i just was testing your patience…and now i am single…thinking about it brings tears in my eyes even now..

  85. Makk permalink
    February 7, 2012 10:09 pm

    IHM, I see a lot of people to look for help.

    I am a counselor my self, you can pass information if you feel it appropriate. Please don’t consider this as advt. In that case you can hold this comment or delete for that matter.

    I am not sure what you mean by “IHM” ?? Is it an acronym of some sort or are you referring to me by that? Also am not sure what information you want to be passed- Nita

    • February 13, 2012 3:38 pm

      I think he/she confused you with another blogger Indian Homemaker (IHM).

  86. February 13, 2012 3:37 pm

    Welcome back!!! you are back I hope? Two years!! now let me go and read the post!

    • February 13, 2012 3:44 pm

      Reema,
      The blog is very much in hibernation although I keep getting new readers, which is a mystery to me. As of now I doubt I will come back as I am doing good with my other two blogs and also the journalism.

  87. February 13, 2012 3:47 pm

    Being dependent is such a scary thought. We have shifted to Bangalore recently and I am yet to find a job here. After 6 years of being financially independent, I do get worried and scared sometimes. lets hope something turns up soon. how have you been?

    • February 13, 2012 4:09 pm

      You will find a job Reema. In India there is a shortage of professional teachers.

    • February 14, 2012 10:58 pm

      @Reema – I am out of job for almost a year and four months now and I am enjoying every moment of it. Of course there are challenges and large hurdles to cross, but I am working actively on them now. I do some freelance writing work (on the sidelines) which is earning me a considerable income. You might want to explore that option too.

      @Nita – I too thought you started writing in this blog once again (this post shows as a new post on our reader). I think you should do at least one post in a month, over here.

      • February 14, 2012 11:05 pm

        That must be some mistake of the feedreaders! This is one of my oldest posts, although I continue to get comments on it, and strangely my blog keeps getting new readers because I think they may not read the last post on the blog. And the problem of doing one post a month is that I doubt whether I will be able to do it. I came to this blog to express my deep feelings about various subjects, and those feelings are very much there, only I express those feelings verbally to people I know! Or sometimes in comments. When I was writing this blog, it used to exhaust me. Now I have built up a palmistry practice in some small way, and get clients from all over the world. Plus, I have the stock pictures blog where the page views are increasing so I recently got a custom domain. I am also doing freelance writing. But again, you never know. I might come back here one day!🙂

  88. destiny2k12 permalink
    February 26, 2012 10:12 pm

    Thanks to the person who came up with this article…and its astonishing to know there are lotsa companions to me in this world…!!! Well…am not a Divorcee but we are seperated for 4 years now from my 5 years of married life!! And yes..just like most of you..its really a painful life with a kid in hand and struggle to make the both ends meet..Thank God..I have a decent career in hand….
    Please do write to me for a friendly chat…

  89. Zara permalink
    March 10, 2012 10:44 pm

    Remarkable learning through everybody’s experiences shared…I’m soon going to embark on a new journey…that of a single mum. I’m frightened yet determined. Just want to understand one thing from all of you…
    How do I manage to handle work and my child (5 year old boy) alone… considering I have no human support. I’m in a responsible position and have to travel frequently too.

    As in practically, how do you manage to do it…What are the contingency plans one needs to make.

    Also what are the most important things to have/ to do/ to put in place before getting into this journey.

    I’m in a dire situation. Would appreciate help. Thank you in advance.

    Thank you.

  90. charvi permalink
    May 16, 2012 8:46 pm

    Ma’am I completely agree with you on this. My mother is my single parent, hence I know very well how hard it is to work for hours to give every happiness. I also know the importance of the shade provided to a child in his life by both a father as well as a mother.
    I appreciate your every single word ma’am, every single letter is true.

  91. neha goel permalink
    June 3, 2012 2:02 pm

    For single mother another setback is cut off from society. can we do something like single moms with kid make one social circle , meet their, enjoy , help each other in need and live like a full life.

  92. December 21, 2012 2:30 pm

    Yes , i totally agree, its really difficult for women in our country. they are burdened with lots of responsibilities and our society expects them to exel in all.its still a man’s world and all the equality thing is still a fairytale in real, that is why so many men can get away with ill treating their wives while they enjoy all the freedom and lesser responsibilities.
    A women’s emotions ,likes and dislikes hardly matter in this society and if someones is bold enough to express themselves they are regarded as characterless.

  93. nehakkk permalink
    February 13, 2013 6:06 pm

    Hi, i am from pune , mother of 5 yrs old daughter. my husband has been dominating me for almost 7 yrs . he used to blame me for all his bad behaviour . he is very unpredicatble and very short tempered. his family ignored his behaviour because everyone in their family our same. now he is demanding for divorce and has filed for the same. i live in my matrimony house but he lives in a rented house. he is very careless towards his daughter . his family
    pressurizes me to live in their house . they all r in good terms with him but he completly neglects me when he come to his house. i m totally frustred. my family is in my support to leave him but i scared for my daughter. i m working and he dont feel to change his discussion on divorce and even if he , i feel he is too childish and may do the same tourcture to me again . hence pls suggest what to do . i feel very lonely

    • Mahesh permalink
      October 17, 2015 4:36 pm

      I hop your problems have resolved…if not then…sit down n Disscuss the problems together…take help of elder people from both of your family…..disscuss what problems he has with you …try to solve them….communication between husband n wife resolves much of the problems….leave all the issues aside n you both should think of your daughter…..

  94. iyke permalink
    March 14, 2013 1:34 am

    my advice to you ,nehakkk, is to put every thing into the hand of god and also pray hard about it , so that god will touch his heart and mind to look back to your love again.
    becuase some men always excepting male chilch as their first born issue , while at the end it will be a female child, then such person must misbehave that way, or maybe his family members will be the cause of that, or the wife dont give out the type of love he may expect from her at the right time,
    u hav to go very close to him always and try to know all wat he like most or dislike , by god grace he will come back to u, take care

  95. sssheena permalink
    November 19, 2013 12:06 pm

    i wonder is there any support for women who are in live-in relationship and having a child out of that relationship actively involved the girl in his family and given all false promises and hopes till the guy gets his divorce from his legal wife, after the divorce has backed out from the commitment from the relationship and child and his family is supporting him despite of doing wrong to the girl. she is being mentally ,physically harassed also his family despite knowing they have been living for 5 years together now are asking her to leave their son as they plan to get him married off to someone else and he is also making his papers ready to leave the country they live in Mumbai can any one give me suggestions as to how I can seek help for this girl

  96. November 7, 2014 9:57 pm

    I’m a 12th grader and I’ve been given a research to do on the difficulties faced by single parents. I have a survey to be filled, it would be of great help if some of you’ll answer it. I assure you that the outcome of this survey will not be published anywhere and is used for a study purpose only.

    Hoping for a reply soon.

  97. Naseer Maved permalink
    April 11, 2015 5:28 am

    Hi friends I seen here most of marriage r broken coz arrange either from gal or boy its when person dont the feeling female it happen s to destating end but u guys have understand were mistake was fallen . Female with child suffer alot . After divorced were she doesn’t get any to carry her life with one or more childerns that aas much possible they take there life in peace with her husband instead breaking it coz in this world to survive alone u should family support or financial carry on plan of life that take u in this world like happy moms for child in future……..
    ..

    …..

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