Arranged marriage vis-à-vis a love marriage – which is better?
Arranged marriages, according to trend expert Marian Salzman, will get more popular in the west. This is what she said in her book, Next Now:
…arranged marriage makes sense in a world in which the search for “the one” has disappointed so many people.”
I wonder if she is implying that arranged marriages are more stable and do not 
disappoint. There are others who are propagating this. One of them is Reva Seth who recently wrote First Comes Marriage in which she presents the argument that arranged marriages are better than love marriages and likely to be more successful.
Are people in arranged marriages happier?
I do not believe that arranged marriages are happier than love marriages or vice versa (when I say arranged it does not mean forced as in the India I grew up in, girls and boys are eager to marry the arranged way and would feel upset if their parents abdicated the responsibility). If there is evidence that arranged marriages last longer it has more to do with the kind of people who enter them. It is quite possible that the majority of those who opt for an arranged marriage come from traditional societies where the idea is to compromise, and sometimes people compromise to an extreme degree just to keep the marriage together as society disapproves of divorces. This does not mean that arranged marriages are loveless or that they are unhappy, but if they are unhappy, there could well be a reluctance to divorce.
Another reason why there is less divorce in arranged marriages is that people entering arranged marriages want to marry, are ready to marry. This factor should never be underestimated in the success of a marriage as people who want marriage are more likely to work at it. In a love marriage on the other hand, both the partners may not be equally eager to marry, and may not even be mentally ready to have children. If there are such differences in attitudes amongst the two, the chances of divorce increase.
Different reasons for unhappiness
But as I said, it’s not the kind of marriage per se that is critical to a couple’s happiness, it’s the kind of people who enter it and their mindset at the time of marriage. However, I always did wonder if the kind of marriage (arranged or love) has a bearing on the reasons for divorce.
From my own subjective viewpoint I can’t help feeling that people who marry for love are more like to be unhappy if their partner’s behavior is perceived to change after marriage…in other words personality differences which can arise once the initial flush of physical love starts to wane. Most people assume that love marriages get into trouble because people from different backgrounds marry and cannot adjust but I don’t think this is the main reason because when two people fall in love they already know that they are from different backgrounds. Generally they feel their love can surmount anything and everything…they have great hopes from each other and they expect unquestioning love and support from their partners. This kind of support may not be forthcoming.
In an arranged marriage, two people even if they have chemistry with each other and are half in love, do not really know each other that well and therefore their expectation levels are lower. If things go wrong in their relationship, it could be because they have been lied to by the other party. This can happen in an arranged match as the prospective bride/groom already knows what the other is looking for and can pretend to have it.
Things can also go wrong in an arranged marriage when couples imagine that a common background, similar interests and lifestyle also translates into common values. They could perhaps even imagine that it means a certain type of personality or temperament. Nothing is further from the truth! A common background can never assure anyone of common values or even a particular type of temperament as one’s background has too many variables. A lot depends on the individual family situation that the partner grew up in. People are not the stereotypes that we imagine them to be from their resume! Huge mistakes can be made if there is no attempt to get into the details. And if one prospective partner is bent on fooling another, no amount of “meetings” can help. Sure, this kind of subterfuge can happen in a love marriage too, but the chances are lower as one does not meet the other with the intention to get married and there are better chances of seeing him/her in a more natural (as opposed to artificial) environment. One could get to know his/her friends, which may not be possible in an arranged match.
What’s best, love or arranged?
Maybe it could have been arranged…if life was like it was then…when arranged marriages happened only between families that knew each other, where the couple knew of each other through common friends and acquaintances. When I was growing up this was how marriages were arranged. Even if one picked up a name from a newspaper there was a huge army of people in the family who started to make enquiries and tried to find common acquaintances and friends. As there was no question of marrying into an unknown family, it ensured a certain degree of safety.Today, not only are inquiries superficial, the kind of benevolent family network that existed a few decades ago does not exist.
So the only thing left is to extend the courting period as much as possible and ask direct questions to the other party. One has to ensure that there is no miscommunication because even though there may not be an attempt to fool another, wrong assumptions can be made. Also, attempts should be made to contact as many friends, relatives and acquaintances of the family as possible. Finding a not very friendly relative always helps. It is my belief that that if a family has little or no contact with relatives, a red flag should go up (in the Indian context).
Whether an arranged match or a love match is better also depends a great deal on the personality of the individual. People brought up on a diet of love and romance will never feel comfortable with an arranged match, however many arguments are presented in its favour. And then there are those who feel it is demeaning to flirt and try to get a partner that way. In any case, some people from traditional societies just don’t know how and often make the wrong choice. Girls and boys in western countries are used to dating from a young age and by the time they are in their mid twenties have developed some sort of antenna to find a suitable partner but a person from a traditional society who is not exposed to the opposite sex could make a grave mistake.
Those with a long list of dos and don’ts about their future partners are unlikely to find someone in their social circle and an arranged marraige may be suitable for them. For example, if a person is rigid about aspects like religion, or say veganism, or wants to marry a scientologist, then it’s best to try the matrimonial columns/website. But they could also look into themselves and see whether their rigidity simply means that they want a submissive partner. I personally believe that it is possible to be happy even if one’s food habits are different as long as one does not expect the other to share them. Same way, it is possible for two people from different religions to be happy as long as they give each other the space.
Overall I think there are no rules and I personally feel that it’s best to keep an open mind about both kinds of unions. It does seem impossible to say whether arranged marriages are happier or love marriages. Perhaps if people in the west start taking to arranged marriages in a big way then we might find out whether arranged matches make for longer lasting unions because it will be easier to compare arranged marriages with love marriages. To make a sensible comparison one needs plenty of people from a society which accepts divorcees and a society where there is some measure of gender equality.
(Please note that I am not an expert on these issues and these are my personal views.)
Related Reading: What kills a marriage quicker: A physical affair or an emotional one?
It is possible to arrange love
A British reality TV show which arranges marriages online
Matrimonial websites get specialised
Divorce rates of the world
Internet marraige bureaus thriving in India
Even India’s urban elite not likely to marry outside their religion
Do children affect the health of a marriage?
Checking out the other sex
nice post, Nita! I think people forget the difference between correlation and causality. There is a high proportion of arranged marriages in India and a low divorce rate – so they are highly correlated, but this doesn’t mean that one ‘leads’ to the other. As you’ve pointed out, societal disapproval of divorce, low expectations, greater mindset to adjust, can all have a role to play in it.
Apu, thanks. One wonders how many divorces we will have if there is acceptance of divorce! – Nita.
Nita
One thing i would like to mention, that i know some couples who loved each other, remained a couple for 2-3 years before marriage but didn’t end up marrying, and later both ended up marrying arranged. This kind of arranged marriage is certainly not going to be successful, as i believe both those boys and girls wont be able to love each other as they did to their first partners.
But if there is a case that in an arranged marriage both the partners have never had any previous affair, it will be a successful marriage in all probability, just like if two lovers ends up marrying.
Vivek, certainly if you are in love with someone and marry another then its going to create a problem, but not if the previous relationship was unhappy. – Nita.
Vry true Nita….our happiness depend upon past experiences too…if someone is seriously involved in a relatnshp..n sacrificng it 4 d sake of famly..then it s gng to be a disaster…
You say “I do not believe that arranged marriages are happier than love marriages or vice versa” and “As of now at least it’s impossible to say whether arranged marriages are happier or love marriages.” Then arrange marriage automatically becomes better because to reach same goal/level of happiness, there are less heart breaks on the way. Western people are in constant tension to find a mate and this cannot be understated. And to say dating is to find prospective partner may be true only after 25yr of age, before that dating is for “fun” and there is no indication of marriage.
Well, there is tension here too, if someone is not right for the marriage market I guess. But yes, it’s easier to find a mate through the arranged system as the choice is automatically wider. – Nita.
Ahha……the eternal riddle. Which is better? – for which there is no answer.
I wonder if how you got to know your partner, and, then entered into marriage has anything to do with its success or otherwise.
I believe the two partners are solely responsible for creating a cozy heaven or making life hell for each other.
I have seen enough cases of “love” marriages facing very rough weather and “arranged” marriages coasting along beautifully and vice-versa.
Your reference to two authors who believe that arranged marriages would become popular again is very interesting, especially when the very institution of marriage is being looked as increasingly irrelevant (in the Western society).
Mavin, even I think there is no answer. I wonder too if these kind of marriages will become popular, somehow I think not our kind of marriages certainly. Maybe something inbetween. – Nita
@ Nita
I think too much attention is paid to the process of ‘getting married’ and too little to the process of ‘remaining married’.
Due diligence for the former is all ok, but nobody can account for growth trajectories that individuals take in their marriage. While many become ‘clones’ of each other in ideas and sometimes even clothes, many change in divergent ways. How they cope with their differences once they arise is a real test of their love and compassion, and hence longevity of the marriage.
The wedding is not the destination; it is the start of a journey called marriage. Too many in both arranged and love marriages lose sight of this small but crucial point.
PS: I also disagree with low divorce metric somehow being related to marital happiness. Around the world, I have seen countless silent, conversation-less, barely tolerant marriages which are worse than divorce. At least divorce sets a person free rather than live in quiet desperation of being a non-entity.
Shefaly, yeah I agree, the low divorce metric is in no way related to marital happiness and about staying married, well, that’s something more important than getting married…unless you are in India!
– Nita.
ofcourse there is no generalization or a scientifically proven fact that describes or explains which marriage is better?? .. You just cannot do that …
My parents ahd arranged marriage and both are intact as a fevicol bond .. My in-laws had love marriage and theirr love even today can envy the youths .. They both just cant stay without each other ..
That is true that the number of divorce is higher in terms of love marriages but I would say that in arranged marriages too, there are many fights and differences .. it’s just that women always carry forward the relationship and suffer for the sake of their children, their family respect or even for her respect .. That is a indian woman .. Once she starts to be a rebel, we could see higher number of divorce in arranged marriages too .. And I wish they become a rebel and stop suffering for their whole life from their drunken and abusive husbands just for the sake of their children ..
Soham, it depends on the individuals doesn’t it. And we will certainly see more divorces in the years to come, and not just because of abusive husbands. Nita.
yep; i think u r abslutly right i agree wid ur point mr
My answer is again,”It Depends”. I am a witness to both arranged marriages and love marriages that can be coined as successful.
I think the one question we need to ask before entering into a relationship is, ” What are the critical success factors that we shall work on, so that we can have a successful marriage”
The roles and responsibilities of each partner should be clearly defined so that the assumptions are minimized.
One example of a critical success factor is communication.
Nandu, I agree with this, it’s best to talk things out, however the two have met. – nita.
@ Odzer : Do I have the feeling of Deja Vu? Hmmmmm. Anyway my position on this is really simple. Arranged marriages in India are mostly forced marriages. Exception being some cases in the middle class. If a marriage is forced there is definitely a possibility rather a good chance that the helpless people in that marriage will remain trapped until they are forced to breed as well. After kids are born the chances of separation are limited. I have known of cases in India where even after years of separation courts have forced couples to get back together. Such are the silly laws regarding divorce here.
One of the reasons for the huge population in this country is that India is basically an agrarian society. It does not matter whether you or your ancestors have moved to a city. The idea is still the same. Breed. The fact whether I want to have children or not matters little in the social structure of this country.
Arranged marriage should be ended by law. Period. It causes more problems than it solves. Dowry, wife-beating (India has atrocious rates of it), child marriage, Sati (yes still happens), etc etc are all side kicks of this “arranged marriage”. Not to mention the tons of ‘abduction’ cases in India’s police stations that happen when people choose to elope.
Further, Children in India are just treated as a property of their parents and are supposed to act as a replacement for social security. ‘My insurance for my old age’. Arranged marriage is just a tool to keep that system in place. Let people do whatever they want to do with their lives and let them arrange their own marriages is what I say. It is time that people take some responsibility in their lives and be responsible themselves for the outcomes of such things.
Odzer, I disagree with your statement that “Arranged marriages in India are mostly forced marriages.” This is the myth that is spread in the western media and I am disappointed that you feel so. In my huge extended family (and husband’s) where each of have 7-10 unlces and aunts on both sides and several generations down, plus amongst my friends, I know only of one forced marriage…I simply do not know forced marriages but then maybe I am only talking of my kind of society. I guess I can only talk about middle class and upper class maharashtrians and also my friends from army backgrounds from all states. Also amongst the poor there is no question of love marriages (I mean its taboo) but yes I agree child marriages are forced and happen in rural India. But otherwise for adults, it is mostly arranged and most want to marry this way. Also where is concerned just because dowry is given/taken doesn’t mean the marriages are forced. Dowry is an evil, not the arranged marriage. Wife beating is an evil, nto the arranged marriage. You mean there are no wife beating and domestic violence cases in America where there are love marriages? And I have seen dowry exchanged even in love marriages. – Nita.
To me,both doesn’t makes much sense..sorry..
In arranged marriage,you marry someone whom your parents bring and meet for a single time,for 30 minutes..You see him/her for the next time during engagement and the thrid time ,on wedding day..Great drama..The cycle moves round and round for generations..
I won’t prefer love marriage in today’s society where i will be seen as a outstanding..err..outspoken..or however you name it ..The label of ‘Oh,her’s was love marriage’ and it implies directly that i ahve gone against my parents ..If ‘society’ finds no beef between couple and parents,then they say “Oh,her/his parents adjusted and compromised to her choice..poor them,didn’t get a chance to do their responsibility of choosing right mate for their daughter”..Hell,marriage is a parent’s business today..Don’t tell me it is happening in rural places and that it happens in culturally or religiously doomed places..NO,it happens till date in urban educated families.. So either you go with it or have a secluded life..Its your choice..
Parents say they want their kids to be happy in marrige..and for a girl everythign after marriage is to be adjusted or compromised..Nothing more nothign less bcoz divorce is more shameful than love marriage..
Arranged marriages lasted longer bcoz girls were seasoned to remian submissive and programmed to be mute..But i dn’t think arranged marriages (unless couples agree willingly) will last longer anymore before if men or in-laws show their egoistic nature,today’s girls are sure to kick them out of her life..Yesterday’s women had no choice but to remain silent suffering,unlike today’s girls who are financially or intellectually dependent..When a point of saturation reaches,girls would and should kick out these people ..
The other side of this independence is that women are less ‘adjusting’ and hence therez issues every now and then.
In love marriages,there is lot of expectation involved and again this leads to issues..
So,what is my comment all about??Sorry,i have no idea what was it that i meant to say..Both are doomed unless we have a society tomorrow which sees kids as individuals and not somebody to is expected to run the cycle round and round..
Nimmy, I guess in many families having a love marriage is not approved of. However this is changing in urban India. I have cousins whose parents were quite relieved that they found their own husbands and it was the same with my parents. They were happy with my choice of partner. But it differs in different families…and in some families it will be disapproved of. And yes you are right. Grown children should not be seen as kids but as individuals…but in India we see grown kids financially dependent on their parents too…- Nita.
@ Shefaly
I agree. The biggest challenge is to ‘remain married’ as failure is common to both types of marriage. The successful way to keep the married life going is to keep eyes, ears and mouth closed as and when required.
@Nita
In Love marriage, if you are from different castes and if it is against the wishes of both parents, the couple has to be prepared for the struggle throughout their life. But it is an interesting challenge.
Old Sailor, true love can indeed surmount all. I believe in true love, despite my attempt to be objective in this article. – Nita.
well most of my mom’s cousins(who are in the 20s) are choosing arrange marriage.As you said there are a lot of inquiries made into the life of both the families…but personally i feel,as long as two people agree and feel they can put up with each other,then they should get married.The idea of living with a whole bunch of people,only seems to intensify the gap…
personally i think i will prefer to fall in love.I don’t see the point in getting married to a person who won’t be able to understand me.After love is accepting the person for what he/she is..it is more loving a person for what they are,i think.
Vishesh, I agree, most people voluntarily go in for an arranged marriage. I know dozens of educated professional who themselves log in to shaadi.com and are in search of a match. The arranged marriage is thriving in India. But I don’t blame you for wanting to fall in love, I wanted it too and I was lucky I did. Wish you the same too. – Nita.
Nita@ I agree with your conclusion that “Overall though, I think there are no rules and I personally feel that it’s best to keep an open mind about both kinds of unions”.
As the popular saying goes “A Successful Marriage Requires Falling In Love Many Times, Always With The Same Person”. So, I think the personal chemistry has not much to do with the fact how you got married.
But in my opinion as we are getting more and more individualistic and are increasingly getting concerned with ideas like ‘it’s my life’, ‘my way of life’, ‘you get only one chance to live, make the most of it’, we would see divorces at a rate comparable with western world irrespective of the mode of creating the union. This trend would further increase with economic independence of women.
Hoku, the distaste towards an arranged marriage is a western concept. Westerners often do not understand that people go in for this type of marraige willingly and it is a small percentage of people overall who are or forced or pressurized. I think Indians staying abroad are more likely who are forced as their value system has changed and they do not want arranged marraiges. I also agree that chemistry can develop over time. About the future, yes, I agree divorces will increase with the economic independence of women – Nita.
@ Odzer
I absolutely disagree that arrange marriages are forced….nowadays consent of both Boy and Girl is the deciding factor in arranged marriages in India
Nita, spot-on again. You have rightly said, Its not the question which one is better as there is no possible mathematical formula as we are dealing with human beings.
It is the ‘people’ who make or break the concept of marriages.
Chirax, yep! No formulas where this is concerned! – Nita.
Arranged marriage has also changed from ‘see the picture of your future life partner/lord and master’ (after horoscope matching) , to where the parents introduce the couple and they go out a few times and decide how they feel.
IndianHomeMaker, the arranged marriage has indeed improved with the times in urban India at least. One finds that parents do not mind the dating although there is pressure to make a decision – either way. – Nita.
you are right arrenge marige is the some time introduse with his life partner.but we knowthats not good.how we mantain his life with whose meet some time?
The impression I get is that many Indians have chosen arranged marriages, for better or worse, but have spent the rest of their lives longing for romance. It is THE theme of the movie industry. It’s going with the head not the heart.
As a westerner, however, brought up to expect romantic love, the films which portray romance within the arranged marriage setting seem unexpectedly poignant. Such films as Hum Dil de Chuke Sanam, which are really the exception, seem to me the most romantic thing in the world.
Joss, interesting point you brought out, about the yearning for romance which is brought out in the movie industry. Everyone dreams of finding love on their own, on their own terms, but in India the opportunities are not always there because of a fair amount of segregation of the sexes. However in urban India with so many girls going to college now this has changed. Dating is extremely common. I just did an article for a magazine on dating in India and I found out that in the metros the majority of the youngsters are dating although they do not always tell their parents. Many of them tell their parents once they are working and almost everyone I spoke to (I spoke to dozens of youngsters) said that once they are working and independent, parents agree to their choice, even if at times it is reluctantly. – Nita.
Marian Salzman speaks of the Western experience where the “search for the one” has failed to find him/her. That is why she thinks arranged marriage makes better sense. Here in India we are behind the curve, believing still that a “love marriage” is going to be better than an arranged one.
The real challenge is to remain married, as Shefali says, whereas the focus is mostly on just getting there. So, whether a marriage is arranged or “love” does not really matter. Of course if that so-called love is ‘real’ as is between soul mates across lifetimes that Dr Brian Weiss has written about, it means you have found “the one”, that most never do, and will have a happy life together.
Sometime I wonder whether our ancient system of matching accurately cast horoscopes by learned astrologers was actually a very thought out method of trying to ensure that marriages took place between individuals compatible with each other and likely to live long together reasonably happily.
That was their method of trying to find a life partner as close to “the one” as possible. May be it was arrived at after long experimentation with failed “love marriages”. Salzman and many of us are possibly repeating what has already been done. Only we are at different points.
Vinod, I think so too, that whether arranged or love doesn’t matter…its what you make of it. About horoscopes, well it depends on one’s faith as well. And yes I think the west is now trying to search for answers. – Nita.
What’s the difference? It doesn’t matter how you fall into the well. What matters is, how fast you learn to swim…….
Destination Infinity
DI, I liked that analogy!
– Nita.
The question really is: why do people get married?
If you go back in time, you will realize that the reason why arranged marriages were important was because knowing the family was the best way to know the blood line. People never got married for love, but to create a family. Hence, they looked for someone with which you could have good off springs. Oh and by the way, if there was love, all the better!
The problem is that people today get into marriage for love, but we all know (Im not married, so I dont!) that crazy love will only last for the first few years…then what? If you enter a marriage for love , few years later, when it has weathered down, what is there to work for?
Indians even today, when they are looking for someone (arranged or love), still have family in mind. A marriage is most likely to work in that case because you are working for the family, not for love.
Along the way, you make the best of it, fall in love and will always live happily ever after !
Priya, as you said this “love” is physical love which can wane. It needs to be quickly replaced by a deeper love and respect. But the ideal love to my mind is when the mind and body work together, where physical love and romantic love and the deep love and respect which comes with time just become one huge mishmash so it’s difficult to distinguish them! – Nita.
Love marriage is great & sametime arranged marriage is not a bad idea unless it is self decision with no force involved.
Bharath, I do not consider a forced marriage as an arranged match at all. I think that forces marriages are barbaric. – Nita.
no i dont think sooooo…..
@ Nita : I stand by what I said. Majority of arranged marriages in India are forced marriages. Exception being some in the middle class. I have lived long enough in rural India to understand how sexual machinations work there. In fact in my experience rural people are far more sexually active at a younger age than urban Indian middle class types. Do they necessarily want to marry the people their parents choose. I do not think so. Indian middle class is mostly stuck in their Victorian type hypocritical morality. As a young sexually active teenager I had far more fun in a village than when we moved to the city. Marriages should not be about being married but choosing to stay with someone that you want to.
Coming to my second point. Yes arranged marriage is the cause for dowry, etc etc etc. Indian love marriages if they are happening with the consent of parents here are sometimes converted in to arranged marriages so it does not really count. It is important that we gain the right in India to marry whoever we want to marry. That is my real point. Outlawing the arranged marriage is thus the only solution. It is radical but most things in India require a radical change. In order to create a new mindset you need to destroy the old. I have no ‘attachments’ to this system. As for taboos, there are many taboos in India and not all of them are rational.
@ Vivek : I do not agree with you, as I have already pointed out. The consent of both the parties is a middle class thing. In lower classes the arranged marriage has remained the same as it was. They are the one’s that constitute the majority of India anyway.
Odzer, I completely disagree with you that poor people are forced into marriages. I work with a lot of poor people and by the time they are 17-18 the girls are demanding that the fathers find them a rich groom! Amongst the poor, it is a duty of the father to marry off the daughters into good families, it’s not education and jobs that the girls demand, it’s a nice groom. Its middle class girls who want to finish their graduation, get jobs and there is often a clash as they do nt want to marry early. About the sexual acitivity…let me give you one example from one of my maids. She was doing it with a neighbor’s boy and immediately her parents got her married to that same guy. Middle class girls who go to college and work have a chance to have secret affairs, not poor girls. They are married off early and believe me, they want it. This girl was the happiest girl on earth because she was crazily in love! – Nita.
@ Nita : Oh and I think I have said it before, marrying someone you have never slept with before is a bit foolhardy. What if you do not fancy them in bed? No one seems to talk about that!
@ Odzer
That ‘not fancying someone in bed’ thing doesn’t seem to be bothering many, going by the 1.2B or whatever number of desis thronging the planet, eh?
Or do you really believe in immaculate conception? Just askin’…
@ Shefaly : The question simply is are the grapes sour just because they are out of reach.
depends on every individual as u mentioned somewhere in between the post ..
its very difficult to say which one is better.
As someone said, it doesn’t matter! – Nita.
@Nita
In any case, some people from traditional societies just don’t know how and often make the wrong choice[. ..]but a person from a traditional society who is not exposed to the opposite sex could make a grave mistake.
Oh boy. This is so true. Traditional societies have a lot of segregation and taboos surrounding any talk about sex and sexuality. It creates a sexually charged view of the other sex. I don’t know about girls, but it is quite true of boys in traditional families. The first emotionally intimate contact with the opposite sex can send the hormones roaring and cloud the mind of many difficult realities around that budding r/ship. Coming from a traditional society myself, I would have made that mistake if I hadn’t done one right thing – that of keeping some elderly individuals in the know on what’s going on in my new found r/ship and seeking their counsel constantly. That helped me terminate an obviously unrealistic option (but which escaped me in the heat of it all) within a week. And even such a short exposure to the sweetness of it all left a heartache that took me a day off from work to recover
Well, atleast I am wiser now not to fall for the initial rush of hormones and to wait for it to subside.
you have never slept with before is a bit foolhardy.
I think there can be a cake without the icing. To treat the icing as the cake is fallacious. Sex is merely the icing on the relationship, not the essence of it. But then..what does a single guy like me know. Perhaps some corroboration from the married commentators could help.
Vinod, you have explained it well. I know one case like this. A girl who had contact only with one man (she was being coached by him) fell for him although he was much older. Her parents tried to explain to her the difference in financial status but she refused to listen so they agreed. In one year she was back home, alongwith a kid! When one’s hormones are raging they tend to find a love object, whoever is near!
For a single guy, you certainly know a lot! – Nita.
About your own experience, well, if you feel on hindsight you made the right decision, then you did! And you can take it from me, someone who has been happily married for a long time, that indeed sex is the icing on the cake. I never quite thought of it like that…but let me assure you that without the icing, the cake is quite tasteless!
@ Odzer
Re your sour grapes remark: I can’t even pretend to understand what you mean :-/
Which grapes would these be? Access to pre-marital sexual compatibility check? If you think these grapes are inaccessible, think again. The hypocritical desi society likes to believe this to be the case, but it is far from it. You cite rural observations and urban experiences from what I hear are not very different.
“Girls and boys in western countries are used to dating from a young age and by the time they are in their mid twenties have developed some sort of antenna to find a suitable partner but a person from a traditional society who is not exposed to the opposite sex could make a grave mistake.”
I would totally disagree with this statement. people in the west are just as confused as anywhere else. Some middle ground has to be found between wanting what’s completely perfect (West) and wanting what mommy and daddy want.
And regarding the heated discussion Odzer has stirred about whether arranged marriages happen by force or not. My experience from middleclass Chandigarh is very limited of course. But I have seen and heard about so many who give their consent to go along with what their parents want; an arranged marriage. And why? Because it is what they truly want? In a LOT of situations this was not the case: they were simply pushed into it because they “didn’t want to disappoint their parents”. Between the lines you may read: at the very mention of love marriage, one or both parents got upset and gave their kids the guilt treatment. Is emotional blackmail not a means of forcing? And then they get married.. hoping that the emotional blackmail is over, right up to the point that they get pushed into having kids as well…
Either way, with my first wedding anniversary approaching, I would say knowing your partner is IMMENSELY important. If you go into marriage with an attitude of wanting someone as your lifelong friend (with added benefits of course). And your personalities and characters are compatible; you will probably find what you’re looking for.
hedonist666, you are probably right, I have little experience of the west, or rather none at all. I am sure they have their confusion too, but imagine what it is like when one does not study with the opposite sex in school, and even in social gatherings men and women often are apart, and in colleges only in urban India is there some element of mixing. So I guess its tough for people here to figure things out, specially when their bodies start to behave in strange ways! About middle class Chandigarh society, I know nothing about, but I ofcourse emotional blackmail is a kind of forcing too. And I agree with your last sentence entirely…I think the attitude towards marriage is very important. -Nita.
I agree with hedonist666… the subtle pressure from either parents disapproving of a relationship outside your own religion and caste to get married to someone from your same religion cannot be ignored by most people in India. Does that make this a forced marriage? I’m not really sure… Maybe… Maybe not… People who are in love, but decide to chuck it and go ahead with arranged marriages to please their parents claim that they are making a rational decision. And I’m not talking rural or even middle class people here… I’m talking about rich urban educated upper class here… How successful these marriages would be is something only time can tell…. and of course also depends on the effort individuals are ready to put in to make the marriage a successful one..
@ Shefaly : By sour grapes I mean the ability to choose anyone you please. May be I should also say access to sex is far more limited here than other places.
Hello!
i think it depends always of many many factors, but in my opinion i think everyone should be free to choose their partner so i agree with love marriages-couples-lovers,…Arranged “things” without the involved parts opinions … mmmmhhh … not for me!
I guess not!
– Nita.
Hello Nita, You have a very nice blog here.. the content is really good, and meaningful.
The topic about Arranged vs Love Marriages looks like an all-time fave of all ages. I would say, the advantage in an arranged marriage is that.. the girl usually ‘prepares’ herself for all sorts of adjustmens that she sees among the arranged marriages in her vicinity. She has an idea about what to expect & what ‘not’ to expect and is willing to adjust to great lengths simply because she has minimal expectations. It’s similar to keeping a blank paper before marriage & then, writing life facts after she is married. Love marriage is similar to a written paper before marriage.. and after, it’s a process of striking the expected, rewriting one’s life again, then subsequently the disappointments coz all the rosy-rosy picture is now no more very rosy.. and it suddenly turns gray.
The tolerance level in a couple of arranged marriage is very very high, comparatively, although I would not generalize it, because again, it is an individual characteristic.
Except for extreme factors, such as the man turning out to be abusive; dowry demands or mental-physical torture, I don’t think in a normal situation, arranged marriages have anything going against them.
Regards,
Punam
Punam, one of my fav topics too as yu can see from the links at the bottom of the post, I have written a lot on this! And I agree that the tolerance levels in arranged marriages are very high and frankly as long as the compromises are from both sides, it can work out well. – Nita.
@ Odzer:
Ok I see.
Thanks for clarifying.
Actually, whether or not people getting into arranged marriages have no expectations or at least low ones is another thing I might want to doubt. If you are one of the people who willingly enter into an arranged marriage, it is probably because you perceive certain advantages in this type of relationship. Maybe you would have seen your parents/cousins/brothers/sisters’ arranged marriage and decide that this is the type of relationship you want for yourself. Do you then not have good expectations of the relationship you are entering?
How about someone speaking from experience on this? Is it not natural (especially for girls) to have a certain image of how marriage is “supposed to be” no matter whether it is arranged or not?
hedonist666, well. people in arranged marriages have high expectations of certain kinds of things, but fewer expectations of romantic love, fewer expectations that the partners do things with them, or spends time with them. This they take as a bonus. But I also believe that many people go in for an arranged marriage when their love fails. I know several cases like this. So its not as if they want an arranged marriage, but they have been hurt in a love relationship. And frankly if you ask me, everyone wants love and romance in their life. At a certain age everyone hopes for it, but if it doesn’t they sort of resign themselves to an arranged match…and if they go with the right attitude they can find that love. I have not had an arranged marriage as I was lucky to find someone, but I can assure you that if I had not, I would have happily had an arranged marriage. And I am sure I would have found love. I was destined for it I think.
– Nita.
Was thinking what ‘arranged marriage’ is all about. Came up with some defs.
(BTW now there is a new concept assisted love marriage)
- An attempt to maintain the social status quo ante.
- An attempt to reduce uncertainties by applying accepted norms.
- An attempt to increase homogeneity between two parties in terms of cast, religion, culture, language.
- An attempt to keep social standing of the parents intact (nak mot kawana).
- A mechanism to increase social acceptance of the couple.
- A negotiation mechanism to maximize dowry
- An attempt to show who the boss is.
- A mechanism where you pass the onus the parents of selecting the MOST beautiful/handsome one from hundreds (thousands!) of photos and retain the right to blame them in future for all conjugal problems.
- When you pass the responsibility of finding a mate for you, when you have failed to ‘Jugaar’ a suitable one. The reason could well be a problem of plenty and you are unable to decide which one is the best.
- A mechanism for broken hearts to show that there still in demand and there is no dearth of boys/girls who are eager to marry him/her. At times this may be considered as a good weapon of revenge.
- When you get scared that you may be deprived of the right to inherit your parents’ property and you fall in line and you get married to the chosen one.
- An arrangement where you can fall in love peacefully knowing well that yours fathers are not ‘jani dushmans’
- When you never wonder about love me,, love me not.
- When you can always repent later for choosing A in place of B.
Call it by any name but it could well end up as a lovely fairy tale where they remain happily married ever after.
Are you crazy….????
If you don’t believe me read the following story (copied from net)
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?
”
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” .
She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.”
Husband: “That’s it. We are happily married ever after. “
@ Hoku
That is a pretty interesting taxonomy of ‘arranged marriages’.
As I mentioned in my first comment on this post, too much attention is paid to the process of ‘getting married’ and not enough to the process of ‘remaining married’. All the drama of the former is to ensure the latter happens but because all the other actors withdraw, the two who remain should bear full responsibility and the brunt of failure as the case may be.
This is my last comment so I can cite Ogden Nash which is what @Old Sailor may have had in mind:
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup
Whenever you are wrong, admit it
Whenever you are right, shut up!
This kind of topic was arised in India when the divorce rate and the Love marriage rate was increased proportionately. As you mentioned the expectation levels in love marriage is high that leads to dissatisfaction and break-up. Absolutely true. Personally I feel love marriage is better. Because as they both have time to speak a lot about themselves before entering into marriage.
Well, I agree that love marriages are more satisfying. Unfortunately in our society girls and boys are not allowed to mix freely enough from a young age so that they are able to choose. – Nita.
@ Nita : I guess I want to put in one last comment at the end of my day. Everyone views marriage differently. My view has remains that marriage should ultimately be about choice, making the right decision, maturity, taking responsibility and living your life with someone you love. It should also be about sexual preferences because if you are not happy at the end of the day and can not satisfy each other’s needs it is just not worth it.
After having over 4 relationships now of which 3 lasted over 2 years and the present one has lasted around 4 years I can say that it requires indeed something more than love to stay attached with someone but it is not ‘marriage’ that holds it together. Sure the initial euphoria dies down but if it is the right person your friendship and common interests and great sex can hold it together.
Arranged marriage thus is not an option or an alternative. One might as well order a mail order bride from Russia or somewhere. It is just a sort of a dignified mail order bride and I have heard mail order brides are better trained. I find the concept of arranged marriages in this day and age repulsive and vile. I am sorry these are strong words but that is how it is. Somehow this practice affects women more than it does men though. Men in India have always somehow had a side door if they are not happy in a marriage. Although those doors are fewer than before.
I do not believe that everything should last forever including relationships. As I often say, all conditioned things are impermanent. Nothing can last forever and I have no such desires personally. When people crave stability it is often due to insecurity. Remaining married is not better somehow than being divorced or separated. A lot of your readers have consistently written about “divorce rates”. A lot of people unfortunately want to cling on to a system because it is familiar or it brings comfort or because they see some virtue in it. However it is all just temporary, in the end we have to all face the truth that we are only accountable to ourselves. However hard it may be to see it that way.
Odzer, ofcourse, everyone has their own views and I respect yours. – Nita.
Nita, for the most part arranged marriages are around more due to society/caste/family pressures than individual preferences. This is especially true for girls. But I cant help but see arranged marriages being part, perhaps even the root, of a wider web of pressures that Indian parents exert on their kids.
Talking to many Indian students here, their motivation for doing many things in life (education, career etc.) seems to be, ‘this is my parents dream, they sacrificed so much etc. ‘ Certainly, one should not misuse their parents resources and also be affectionate towards them, but I cant help but feel that Indian parents make sure that they have a great degree of control over their children’s lives. This definitely extends to choice of marriage partner, I know of cases where girls will only pursue relationships with a guy from their caste because of what their parents will think. I dont consider these love marriages.
Indian parents, for the most part, are simply not comfortable with their kids making their own choices in education/career/marriage, this stems in large part from broader social pressures.
As you have mentioned to me earlier, Indian families suppress their women, and this can happen more discreetly than one thinks. Arranged marriages are a bad idea mostly because they disempower women.
Vikram, if this was so, young people would not be thronging marriage bureaus and matrimonial sites. It is said that more than a quarter of the people approach these bureaus directly, not their parents. And this percentage is rapidly growing. Therefore I cannot agree with you at all. I am not disagreeing with your general statement about parents’s behavior, which applies in many aspect. I am talking of arranged marraiges, which I think are not forced, but actually wanted by individuals. Ofcourse Indian parents may not be comfortable with the choices, but the fact is that there is no forcing on the large scale that you suggest. A small minority, yes, and I have acknowledged that. And amongst these, yes, girls are pressured more, no doubt about that. But overall arranged marriages are welcomed by people in India, not forced. This is a huge myth that needs to be busted.- Nita.
Interesting topic. I think if two people shared the same fundamental values on major issues e.g. bringing kids up, religion,their approach to life, their careers etc and also at the same time did not irritate each other in little and big ways, they would stay married for a longer time (or maybe forever).
That’s right, and they can fall in love too! But about that point about irritation, well some people are just irritable and are likely to be irritated all the time at many thing and the partner won’t matter. – Nita.
Why marry?
for sexual life
HI Nita, A timely and intriguing post. As an American I also have some thoughts on arranged marriage. Some correlate with your thoughts. Rather than write them, maybe you can hear me talk about it in my pod cast here- http://alaivani.com/Blog/tabid/56/EntryID/275/Default.aspx
I have linked back to your post in this post also! Enjoy and thanks for writing on this topic.
Jennifer, will surely check out your post. Thanks. – Nita.
@Nita
About inter-religious marriages, if one is serious about religion then such marriages do not do justice to either religion or marriage. I have often heard from married people that it makes a difference when the couple attend the rituals together than alone.
Vinod, I know what you mean. If one feels very strongly about something, it’s best to marry someone from the same religion or belief system. – Nita.
I am not sure if I agree fully with you as i think people can communicate even if they have not met.
Like we are all doing here1
– Nita.
@Sajan
Why marry?
The ritual of marriage has got various meanings to various people. For some, it is an oath-taking ceremony in front of God that gives the relationship of marriage a certain spiritual depth. For some, it is an external manisfestation of the intent which only goes to strengthen the intent. For some, marriage is a way to get social acceptance of the relationship – a key requirement if one lives in an intrusive society as India. For most, it is something that they think they ought to do because that is what everybody around them do so as well. For some, it is a way to get a legal cerificate over the relationship. So on and so forth.
Another love marriage-arranged marriage debate !!!
Talking about the current trend in arranged marriages youngsters are treating those as blind dates, meeting prospective grooms through the internet and finally parents do the talking to fix a date and get married!
Love marriages in India are still well like something that is out of place. Since I married young while many are surprised that I am married (after realizing that the ring is my wedding ring and not an accessory ) the next question is “Is it a love marriage”
My question is what difference does it make to him/her other than his personal pleasure of knowing the story of how it worked out?
Mine was a love marriage. That doesnt mean that we eloped.
but the parents talked and we got married with 1000 people as witnesses !
But for many love marriage = love – going around- eloping – registering etc, while a majority of them aint.
To the topic, I think both would work out, if the couples are ready to accept the fact that both are human and not super humans !
and are ready to compromise.
to sacrifice.
to adjust to new environment.
to share space.
to accept responsibility.
Xylene, thanks. sharing and compromising is the name of the game! And I would add one more…never hold a grudge about some hurt or they will build up and ruin the marriage! And I agree that the majority of love marriages in India are nto against the parents’ wishes. I have seen reluctance but finally parents come round to it. However some communities in India are more conservative than others. – Nita.
Forget every thing else, there is so much fun in arranged marriage. Rituals at every step along with sumptuous foods. Relatives and friends. Suspense, thrill of knowing the unknown. Shopping sprees. Wow!. Long live arranged marriage.
odzer@ ‘great sex can hold it together’, but for how long?
@ Shefaly:
Nash wrote another delightful one about marriage, of which the pre-revised version is as follows (he later added four more lines in the beginning which, IMHO, detract from the wit of the poem, and changed the title to “I do, I will, I have”):
A DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen,
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered
into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and
a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
Moreover just as I am unsure of the difference between flora
and fauna and flotsam and jetsam
I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people one
of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never
forgetsam,
And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or
the gas pipe and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate
or drown,
And she says Quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the
window sill, it’s raining in, and he replies Oh they’re all
right, it’s only raining straight down.
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,
Because it’s the only known example of the happy meeting of
the immovable object and the irresistible force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and
combat over everything debatable and combatable,
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
@ Hoku : I do not know what you mean to ask me. I think I made it clear in my comment that great sex is one of the biggest factors when it comes to keeping a marriage. As long as the other person is kinky enough I guess is the very direct answer I can give you. If someone does not fulfill me or if I don’t satisfy them there is no point in staying married or having a relationship with them. Period.
Nita, I love your analysis of the topic, everything is just to the poin! Especially one thing you noted very sharply – that people going for arranged marriages WANT to marry, whereas in the love-relationship it might be not that obvious for both of partners.
Like you, I personally belive that there is no recipe for a happy marriage. It depends more on the personal maturity rather than background, love, common values… There is so much more involved…
One question only – speaking about arranged marriaged trend in the West you mean the agancies arranging marriages and not the parents, right?
Axinia, I guess as parents and adult children do not share that sort of dependent/close relationship like in India, it is unlikely that parents will be allowed to arrange marriages in the west. So its agencies and friends. – Nita.
Odzer@ explanation is not required. Your point is very clear. I was just expressing my doubt about efficacy of sex as Fevicol (YEH FEVICOL KA MAZBOOTH JOD HAI TOOTEGA NAHI).
@ Vivek
Although I said that was my last comment, I have to say I love this poem even though I cannot remember in its entirety all the time.
Nash’s absurdia is on the same planet as Edward Lear..
(A rather late comment, considering how long this post has been somnolent. Thanks to Shanzy Reheman for reviving it)
@ Shefaly: There is some validity to your placing Nash and Lear on the same planet, but on the topic of matrimony Lear would be an absolute non-starter. Other than the reference to marriage in “The Owl and the Pussycat” (and maybe in some other pieces of his Nonsense Verse), the closest he came to marriage was two proposals, both to the same woman 46 years younger than he. On both occasions he was rebuffed.
Odzer
However it is all just temporary, in the end we have to all face the truth that we are only accountable to ourselves. However hard it may be to see it that way
I think there is a strong point in your stance especially when you argued that people see staying married as good and being divorced as bad. There is a lot of merit in that. The only thing about it that I find disconcerting is that it is very individual-focussed. It actually has no weakness from that point of view. But there are phenomena that have social consequences which are greater than the mere sum total of individual actions. Marriage, I believe is one such phenomena. Hence, it lies at the threshold of the individual realm and the social realm but with most of the control in the social realm. I think there is a reason for it. The institution of marriage has a far-ranging effect on the stability of the society and civilization as a whole. At the same time, it cannot be stable without the individual’s active consent. Hence, the society attaches moral notions to being single, divorced and being married. I think your point of view will not lead to a stable society although it may, to some individuals, give a lot of happiness and satisfaction. Maximizing the stability of marriage as an institution in the society is important, even if that is procured at the cost of some individual happiness. At the same time, it should not become too dogmatic and inflexible, as fail to adapt to the changing circumstances and lead to cases of severe injustice and oppression.
All the above is just a hypothesis in my mind. I don’t have any studies to back myself up.
You have written a good article
keep it up.
My blog also have an article related to arranged marriage. Just go through it and send me your views.
Thanks Sandeep, will check out your blog. – Nita.
@Shefaly:
In fact I missed the following lines, which come after “…sleep with the window open.”:
Also he can’t sleep until he has read the last hundred pages to find out whether his suspicions of the murdered eccentric recluse’s avaricious secretary were right,
And she can’t sleep until he puts out the light,
Which when he finally does she is still awake and turns on hers,
And if he thinks she’s going to turn it off before she finds out whether Janis marries the shy young clergyman or the sophisticated polo player, he errs.
@ Shefaly:
While on the topic of Nash and marriage,
Here’s one by him that calls for tarriage:
Don’t over-analyze your marriage; it’s like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.
Very interesting topic indeed….
I also feel that there is no such judgement/statement which one could make on this comparision.
I think, it entirely depends on individuals to make it happy relationship….But ya, there could be impossible cases where you cant help it being disaster….Its unfortunate situation then!!
But I don’t like calling it as compromise/adjustment, somehow…Its about, actively accepting and allowing someone to be a part of one’s life…and as for any relationship, for it to be ‘happy’ both of the partners need to respect, trust each other, and love would automatically follow.
I don’t know if this is correct, and I don’t even know if I could make such a statement yet!! But this is what I believe and hope it works
Sahaja, I guess the word compromise has a negative connotation and I agree that acceptance is a far better word. – Nita.
@ Vivek
Thanks for completing that. I have the Omnibus but I have run out of shelf space and surfaces to pile books on so 4 boxes of books are still lying unopened.
This has spawned a post though.
Nita, I agree with Shefaly, the focus should be on remaining married. You have to nurture a marriage. It doesn’t matter whether it is an arranged marriage or a love marriage. Equations keep changing with every passing year. Initial years are different, after kids come into existence the priorities change. After the kids grow up and are on their own one has to rediscover the relationship.
Prerna, true priorities change, but the romance has to be kept alive at all costs!
– Nita.
@ Shefaly:
One of the advantages of the internet is that you don’t have to sift through piles on bookshelves and in cartons. If you know what you are looking for, it’s just a click away (of course, in doing so, many users abdicate selectivity and judgement, but that is another matter).
Incidentally, I think the second line of the introductory couplet in my last comment would read better with “merits” instead of “calls for”
@ Vivek : So you value society? May be you attach some importance to it. I do not care about it so much. In any case its just ‘made up’.
Good post, Nita. Like many of commenters have said, I don’t think one is better than the other – everything depends on the maturity of both individuals. Also, if one is looking for romantic love, it is better to choose your own partner.
With the rise of social networking sites, I have noticed a trend of young Indians(in India) finding a match for themselves through theses sites. Atleast, I know a handful of people(both men and women) who have married recently like this.
wishtobeanon, romantic love can happen in an arranged marriage too and it invaraibly happens in a happy marriage. In fact when it does its so cute! I mean it sort of takes the couple by surprise and often they are traditional and don’t know how to be romantic! And I too know a lot of young professionals in India who have approached marriage sites by themselves, but have kept their parents in the picture. – Nita.
I will not ask my kids to have an arranged marriage!
@ Vivek : So you value society? May be you attach some importance to it. I do not care about it so much. In any case its just ‘made up
Odzer, by any chance, was that directed to me or was it to Vivek?
@ odzer:
Couldn’t figure out which Vivek your comment is addressed to, nor what it is a response to. If it is meant for me, well, I am a social animal and do value society and attach importance to it…even though I may often come across as being misanthropic. I have not as yet retreated to the Himalayas
.
I do not care about it so much. In any case its just ‘made up’.
Odzer, do you think you’re a “man”? Or a “human”? Isn’t that also ‘made up’? Is *everything* ‘made up’ by society to be rejected, and is it all ‘negative’? You’re still using your computer and internet connection to communicate your thoughts to others – I guess it’s safe to conclude that you do place some importance on society, exchanging views and discussing them with others, otherwise you would’ve retreated to a cave in the Himalayas, or a remote island to live far away from ‘made up’ society. Many sadhus and ascetics do live that way.
Or are you critical of certain aspects of society and individual behavior?
@ Vinod/Vivek : I am sorry my previous comment was for Vinod. Many apologies once again.
@ Amit : I said I do not care about it ‘much’. I did not say I do not care about it at all! I care about the parts that directly affect me
Society will break down eventually, if not today then tomorrow. So its not worth bothering about too much. I also do not really care about negatives/positives that much. Most importantly it should suit me. So basically I am just living for myself but in the process if someone else derives some benefit from it, its okay. The collective good bores me to no end. Yes I am here exchanging views with you and others because I enjoy it. If I did not I would not do it. I believe everyone builds their own world.
well, i am just 21 n am not really an expert about issues like marriage but i do have an opinion… everytime this topic is raised, this is what i say:
Arranged marriages are definitely better! and why?? coz if it doesn’t work good, you at least have someone to blame it on!
Very wise thought Shefaly about the “remaining married process”!
Arranged marriages are not forced in general. I know of friends who chose to have arranged marriages despite their parents having successful love marriages. And arranged marriages or rather forced marriages occur a lot in the west. I had a British friend of Indian origin living in Leicester and she said that her father would ostracise her if she would marry a firang – it had to be a Gujarati. I have seen many ugly fat German and American men with tiny skinny Thai wives: do you think it is love? It is almost forced. Thai women come from such poor families that they marry these men only with the agreement that they will financially support their families back in Thailand. There are agencies who do this in both countries. Surprisingly the marriages are quite successful and they have children (at least until the man has enough income). Disgusting was when I saw this 80 year-old American with a 30-sth Thai wife. Probably he wanted a two in one a maid (aya) and a wife. Also about west dating very young is true but there are many exceptions to the rule. I know of Germans who fell in love when they were at school and that was their first love and now they are happily married with kids. I do not agree with the comment that love marriages are based on physical attraction. A certain amount of chemistry is definitely involved. I believe a common goal is very important and then I am thinking of the movie “Dil Chahata hai” when Preity Zinta asks Aamir to shut his eyes and think who he would like to spend the rest of his life with”. At least I thought the same when I finally said yes to my husband who I met in Bombay. He is German and I come from a Brahmin family so it was hard for my family to accept. But the more important thing was he respected some of my traditional values. I know of another Indo-German couple where the girl’s (Delhiite) parents actually got her German hubby’s horoscope done and checked with the pandit. Then they were not allowed to marry since the stars did not match. Then since she was adamant, they consulted another pandit and the horoscopes actually matched and the marriage was finalised. If people come from a similar background and religious practices as in most arranged marriages, I believe there is less stress on silly issues. In our cases, we are more concerned about teaching our kids the Indian culture.
When a Brit friend of mine and I discussed divorces or breaking up from a live-in relationship for that matter, I was shocked when she said that she would indeed break off from her partner if he had a dalliance but had she been financially dependent on him, she would forgive him and stick around!
Bombay wadapav eater, thanks for sharing bits of your life. And about love marriages and the physical love part, ofcourse you are right! There is something called romantic love that sweeps one off the feet and physical love is a component of this. I have myself experience this love and it’s heady, like walking on air!
It’s a feeling that hasn’t died down for me, although it has been tempered. Today if I see my husband from a distance, my heart skips a beat, just the way it used to when I first met him. And about your Brit friend, she could always ask for alimony! – Nita.
Odzer, thanks for clarifying. I think your view speaks for your rather unique self.
I’ve always had a question in mind about ‘love marriages’ and how far does the love before marriage go in forging a real lasting relationship. Realistically, how far does knowing a person before marriage through dates (all in public places) really help in adjusting with him/her after marriage? I’ve often heard that fights in marriages are due to the minor everyday issues that arise from living together – like disorderliness of one partner or mismatched sleep timings or just plain moodiness. After marriage there are also issues of where one stands relative to the kith and kin of the other. Does dating a person, where one is all prepped up both mentally and physically to meet the other, really help in overcoming these kind of post-marriage issues ? Is not living as husband and wife within the same precincts quite different from getting along with the other while dating?
I’d appreciate any illumination from those who’ve had love marriages – whether successful or not.
Vinod, I have had a successful love marriage and I knew my husband for 7-8 years before getting married, and it wasn’t on dates, but as friends. This way the chances of getting to know the other really well are very high as there is no attempt to try and impress the other as there is no intention of falling in love! We fell in love after several years of being best friends, and even then it caught us by surprise! So I think it is very individual. The problems you mention can occur in arranged marriages too. But I agree that a whirlwind romance hardly enables you to get to know the other. Dating for a few months is hardly a way of knowing each other, which happens only if you live with each other. The attempt to try and adjust to the other partner is entirely on the individual temperament and nothing to do with how one meets. In the first heady flush of love, the partners may be unable to see each other’s drawbacks…and in arranged matches, there is really no way you can.
So in other words I am saying what other commentators have said earlier on this thread, when it comes to a success of a marriage, it doesn’t matter if it is arranged or love. While those in love marriages have an edge in having a strong romantic factor which can make them want to adjust, those in arranged marriages do want to make their marriage work and try hard too. But people prefer love marriages because of the feel-good factor, each and every one of us wants love and romance in our life, and we fear that we may not get it in an arranged marriage. But it is very much possible, as it depends on the individuals. I personally believe that two people if they are both reasonable human beings and do not want to dominate the other, can find love and romance, and be happy ever after.
So in other words I am saying that I do not think love marriages per se effect the outcome of a marriage…again I am repeating what other commentators have said.
Thank you Nita.
If love marriages has lot of divorce rates compared arrange marriages, then arrange marriages has lot of dowry related violence/death cases compared to love marriages.
At least divorce has more rationality compared to dowry related deaths.
but uncle satan i think that both type of mariges dpnds upon behavior of
both members of couple m i rit??
u r rong
In the west, arranged marriages are not going to catch on. It’s simply not going to happen. People don’t want to be told who to marry. Doesn’t matter what the statistics show.
There are people who have arranged marriages in the west, people meeting through dating sites for the purpose of marriage for example. I think you are mistaking forced marriages with arranged marriages. As you can see from my posts and the comments, arranged marriages in India are not forced. Girls and boys want their parents to introduce them to eligible people and when parents do not succeed, the girls and boys do it on their on through matrimonial websites. But you are right, most westerners do not like to meet another with the purpose of marriage, even through dating sites. They want to date first and see where it does. To meet for the purpose of marriages is something that westerners see as wierd, and are ashamed of doing it. I guess as long as they feel this arranged marriages will not catch on. – Nita.
Nita, I guess I don’t care whether the marriage is arranged or love, as long as people don’t assign words like “old fashioned” to arranged and “modern” to love. It might have something to do with the age we live in, but to a wide extent, depends upon the personal preference and nature of the person. People who mix in richer crowds also tend to have arranged marriages- marrying into equally wealthy families because it makes sense business-wise. And these people are “modern” too. To say which is better is a difficult proposition to make
Ruhi, I agree. I don’t know why people look at arranged marriages like that. And you are absolutely right about rich people having arranged marriages. I think many people in the west do it too. There was Diana and Charles as a prime example! – Nita
If love marriages has lot of divorce rates compared arrange marriages, then arrange marriages has lot of dowry related violence/death cases compared to love marriages.
Satan, would you like to cite some statistics on dowry violence/deaths related to arranged marriage?
I must agree with you, Nita, that these things are so very difficult to make hard and fast rules about. I have heard of some people who met their partner and instantly knew that person was for them. Thirty or forty years later, they still feel that way. While other people who also marry for love wind up in a bitter divorce within five years.
Arranged marriages seem no more guaranteed of success. I have heard of some in which love and happiness blossom. Others that lead to years of loneliness and isolation. If there is a key and always successful way to marry, then perhaps humanity has not yet discovered it.
I have read, though, of some psychologists who for some years have studied couples with the result that they arrived at a surprising finding. They learned how to predict with great accuracy which couples would divorce within five years. That in itself astonished me. But even more astonishing was the fact the psychologists needed only 30 minutes with a couple to make their highly accurate predictions. What was their secret? They looked for one thing, and only thing, on which to base their prediction. Did at least one of the partners show contempt for the other? If even one partner showed contempt for the other during their 30 minute interview, the psychologists knew the marriage would not last. The couple could fight, they could yell, they could whisper, they could pet, they could soothe, they could do anything and everything — except have contempt for their partner. That was the key.
Paul, thanks for reminding me of something that was at the back of my mind. When I got married my dad gave me this advise. He said: “If you want your marriage to be successful never hit below the belt however angry you are.” I have always followed that dictum. This is similar to the contempt you mention. If you have contempt for the partner, then one tends to hit below the belt, but actually even if you don’t have contempt for your partner, one can say contemptuous things, some of them really mean during a heated argument. Even temporary contempt is bad and will eventually kill the love.- Nita.
i guess females are more inclined towards love marriage and males are more comfortable with arranged marriages.
i personally feel arranged marriages are better you dont have to blame yourself if things go wrong
its difficult to say which one is better but i strange thing i have noticed is that its been nearly 3 years since my engg.,most of the guys who got married did it via arrange route and all the grls(5) had love marriage ,i dont no if it is a general trend or not but i think more grls who have got jobs prefer to have love marriage than guys ,may be some day some socioloist will find the reaons ,till then i prefer to enjoy my bachelorhood and hoping to find my love soon
hahahaha very funny rahul.i think u should have lov mery
It depends on what kind of sex life one has, if it is good then any kind of marriage is good if its not good then even if a marriage is made in heaven it will not work.
People who cant find their love and settle for arranged marriages are those who must be either ugly or dumb enough not to find a partner they wish for (pun intended)
Bombay Wadapav Eater!!!
Hi 5 .. I dont know how many chandrayan’s we need to send to see a developed India but it(india) does need people like you who are matured and broad minded unlike the majority of Indians.
marriage is like a bad movie, those in it want to get out and those outside are desperate to get in.
Lets not forget that ‘Love’ for ‘most and most of us’ is not ‘ True Love’. That is why it wanes. ‘Most and most of us’ are apt to fall in ‘Love’ with a lot of people if we live long enough with them. Especially us Indian people. The path from ‘Love’ to ‘True Love’ doesn’t materialize for ‘most and most of us’ be it a Love or an arranged one. But Love Marriages hold higher expectations because the individuals involved think they are in ‘True Love’ and end up being hurt. And arranged marriages doesn’t hold higher expectations because the individuals involved don’t think they are in ‘True Love’. After all they are at least in ‘Love’ with each other which does not wane as rapidly as in Love Marriages following the broken expectations scenario!
Thoughts Nita?
Hindustani, I do agree that falling in love is very different from true love! Also that higher expectations lead to higher disappointment if the expectation is not met. But I think that in arranged marriages also there are expectations, although of a different kind. – Nita.
Nita,
Thanks for the reply.
Expectations in arrange marriages exist but they are towards the adjustment end of the spectrum unlike love marriages where they sit on top – that is what makes them different from each other. Ultimately most people do fall in ‘Love’ with their arranged partners resulting from doing a lot of things together (e.g. sleeping together all the time, building up a life together etc) in a time consuming process. Now because this process takes time and starts on the note of adjusting expectations so it is more likely to succeed in the long run. Love marriages start on the higher expectations end and while the couple starts building a life together more and more of these expectations fail. Hence the start is the point of failure with most love marriages.
Media has encouraged and made it easier for people to fall in love. People these days are so after falling in love, thanks to the media, that most of them fall in traps instead. Well people were foolish back in the 60′s too but didn’t have easy ways to fall in ‘Love’ or think about it as much as we now can. Whatever is easy will happen more often, so we will see more and more love marriages and then more separations (because that is also becoming easier).
Realistically, both kinds of marriages are good but it all boils down to us people who are not mostly wise enough.
-Hindustani
I live in Birmingham Alabama been divorced over 20 years and was love married 10 years. Seems like i will never find a husband so I am asking you how do I find the steps to set up an arranged marriage? Is there a process? Maybe I could meet with my family to see if they would consider helping me.
Please respond,
Monica
Monica, whether you meet up with your family for this is up to you. You can also do this on your own. There are a lot of marriage sites and you might get more information from here:
http://nitawriter.wordpress.com/2007/04/04/internet-marraige-bureaus-thriving-in-india/
However these are for Indians. I do not know any for foreigners. – Nita.
I know I am playing devil’s advocate, but there is no such thing as love. At least not in the “hallmark” sense of it. Love is just a complicated concoction of evolutionary impulses manifesting themselves to enhance the propagation of our species. Lust, attraction, conditioning, societal norms (memes) etc are all in this complex cocktail. Hallmark just likes to sell cards, and the masses lap it up.
So in that sense, there is no clear cut advantage of a love marriage over an arranged marriage, since the end result does not get affected too much, since the statistical probabilities of either one succeeding are equal, all things being equal of course.
Nita , this post educates one in the concept of marriage … mine was a love marriage and the over the years ” you work on the things you want arranged in your marriage ” wonder if it makes sense . I think it’s a matter of choosing the right partner and moving on to build ” love or arranged marriage”
being a bouique matchmaker gives a lot of insight , but am so glad i get to read a wide range of topics on your blog.. thanks
Nandini
Nandini, That is a very interesting job you are doing! When I was in college I used to love to try and matchmake and would have enjoyed a job such as yours, at least at that time!
About your site, I have linked your name to the site so there isn’t a need to add it at the bottom. Usually I do not encourage company links your site can be useful to some. – Nita.
Hi Nita ,
Thank you for linking.
Appreciate the your reply
Nandini
I too have had an arranged marriage. I did agree to a cetain extent that i would have an arrange marriage but only to some one who was 21 or older. My family fooled me into thinking she was 21. One night over dinner in india her age accidently dropped into conversation, I was very angry infact I was gob smacked when I found out my now wife was only 17. How could some one I’ve trusted all my life lie to me in such a way. I was unable to opt out of the wedding too, as I was told that the girl had already entered certain ceremonies and she would be frowned upon if i didn’t continue. I was Blackmailed into thinking her life would be a disaster if I did anything to jeopardise this arranged marriage.
now I’m stuck! Stuck with someone I don’t love! some one i have nothing in common with, someone who doesn’t understand my culture. someone i don’t really want to be with, but have to fake that I do.
I hate this stupid arranged marriage crap, f*** those that invented it and F*** those that think its the right thing for their children!
Dear Narinder, just as you are, your new wife is a victim too and you have been manipulated by elders, both you and your wife. I feel sorry for that poor girl too. Anyway, now that this has happened, I think it would ruin both your married lives if you are unhappy. Do try and make a go of it and be kind to your new wife as it is not her fault. She will mature in a few years. Do look beyond her age, at her temperament and her character. I wish you all the best. – Nita.
ha! w/come bk nita! u hve a lot of catching up to do…(mail comments)
Thanks Vasudev. My broadband connection got fixed just yesterday and got the old telephone line transferred. Then set up my pc and so here I am! I was hardly being able to manage to check my mail or comments (which I did from another pc) and as you said I have a lot of things to catch up on! Hopefully I will be able to post by the end of the week!
sure do! hope to see a lot of comments and directional corrections from you in days to come. cheers!
Narinder,
I have read what you have written,very carefully.
You sure have a point of view.Whatever has happened with you is God’s will.HE wants your marriage to work as you are ,perhaps,made for each other.Your anger and disappointment is very clear.Try and make this marriage work…..it will.
It is a co-incidence that I am writng this today,which my own wedding anniversery(you can wish me)Mine was an arranged match and beleive me our’s has worked very well.We are still MARRIED and HAPPY.
My best wishes to both of you
NITA,
Welcome back
Thanks BK, and in fact while I was away I realised you have started to comment and therefore I welcome you to my blog. I am not going to try and answer all the comments in my absence as it would not be possible but I have read all of them. Thanks for all your comments BK.
WOW Narinder you said it man .. Its stupid to go for an arranged marriage in 21st century. To fall in love with some person u like and understand the consequences of living together through good and bad is far more better than to share your life with a person u barely know. Nita said that arranged marriages have changed lately and the couple is allowed to meet up for lunch or go out to know each other.. but is it really possible to know a person after couple of interactions? who knows they might be pretending to be someone else during all those meet ups.
Most marriages are just adjustments. Many marriages remain because there are few other opportunities available for both partners- no opportunity to choose another suitable partner and remarry, conscience, fear of change, lack of economic independence etc.
Many marriages just happen because there are no other options for the bachelors and spinsters – one has to marry in this society to get love and sex from opposite gender, single people are often discriminated, fear of insecurity…
A society that is free and can provide for the needs of bachelors and spinsters should be our goal. There would be less frustrations, harassments, population growth and a healthy society.
Why should society drive the youth to marriage by putting constraints against alternatives?
Sreekumar
i strongly believe, success doesn’t depend on the process of marriage but the mindset & attitude of the two individuals getting committed to each other. I am confused to think about the best way of marry sum1 and donot believe in any formula to decide love or arranged.
Its true that in love both know each other more than that in arranged one. But people changes with time and mindset/expectation level too.
Its more important how you both sacrifice/compromise for each other, how you prepare/plan for new life everyday etc irrespective of the way u married.
Thank you for this information on arranged marriages. The girl I’m about to get married to had an arranged married – we are marrying for love. This article, and the comments, has helped me to understand an arranged marriage better and subsequently, will help our marriage. Thank you.
An arranged marriage is a blind date and it’s ridiculous to take a wild leap like that putting your whole life’s happiness at stake. I don’t believe arranged marriages will ever return to the west. It’s important to date to find a partner, and it’s important to know whom you are going to marry.
My parents had an arranged marriage and one of the unhappy marriages that I’ve known. Yet my dad didn’t divorce because of the social stigma attached to a divorcee and my mum didn’t because of her children (us). To the world they presented a pleasant and happy face, while they fought almost everyday at home, a few close calls to a talaq (divorce) and a number of suicide attempts.
I have also known many people who have killed themselves over bad marriages and many couples living like roomates, all in arranged marriages. I have also seen happy love marriages, although I understand that there is still a possibility of a love marriage going sour (which has more to do with dishonesty and selfishness among one or both partners than anything else).
The assumption that people of a common background would have common goals and common way of thinking is a flawed one. While they might have common grounds on a few aspects, it is a mistake to this they’d mirror each other for life. Also, life is something to be enjoyed, something you live only once (unless you believe in religious heresay). It is better to live it your own way and make your own mistakes and improvise, instead of living miserably over someone else’s mistake (usually your parents’) because they believed they knew the key to your happiness.
Abdullah K., Thank you so much for such wise words. You have no idea how much the follwoing lines meant to me and calmed me down in my own search for wisdom……
“life is something to be enjoyed, something you live only once (unless you believe in religious heresay). It is better to live it your own way and make your own mistakes and improvise, instead of living miserably over someone else’s mistake (usually your parents’) because they believed they knew the key to your happiness.”
Thank you for reassuring my thoughts.
I struggle to accept a generic “one size fits all” definition of arranged marriage, and love marriage. The concept of arranged marriage has evolved somewhat over time, and now can be seen in various shades of distinction. On one end of the spectrum we can have an arranged marriage where either one or both of the couple literally have no “free” choice in the matter, and the entire process of partner selection, marriage timing and process, is ordained by the families. On the other end of the scale, we can have a scenario where the boy & gal are introduced via family/community, and after spending some time getting to know each other, they each are able to make an informed and free choice.
Difficult to quantify the split of arranged marriages across these 2 extremes. I dare say that it much depends on demographics, rural/small town/metro, and community too. One would expect urban middle upper class scenarios to reflect the liberal structure of arranged marriage, more so than in small towns, villages. Having said that, I know of several gujju and marvari familes in bbay where the girl is married off to a suitable lad from the same community, with the girl not really being given much choice in the matter. A good friend of mine, a muslim from Hyd gor married recently, and much of the decision making on various aspects of the marriage (incl selection of the girl) was decided by my friend’s father.
Bottom line – a couple can meet in school, college, at work, through common friends, in a bar, at a party, while vacationing, or through family/community. Ultimately, people have to meet through SOME forum. The only difference with meeting a potential partner through the family/community route is that there can sometimes be an indirect, informal expectation of commitment placed onto both the guy and girl, arguably more so for the girl. After all, how many marriage candidates can a girl keep turning down, before her own parents/relatives/community members get fed up, and she gets labelled as a “problem” candidate in the arranged market. In this sense, when two ppl meet through a non-family forum, there is total free will at play, and they get to make their own informed decision about each other and THEN engage the family/community.
In my book…theres nothing wrong with an arrange marriage construct, as long as both guy and girl get to spend some time to get to know each other. It takes a lifetime to truly know someone, but engaging with someone in a free and independent manner for a few months even is perhaps better than rushing in blind. Many arranged marriages do follow this model, but many don’t either, and the latters ones would be well served to bring in more “free choice” for the boy and girl.
Re love marriage and possible correlation with higher divorce incidence than arranged marriage – this probably has nothing to do with any inherent issues of which marriage construct is more robust, and more to do with the possibly higher “freedom quotient” in most love marriages, as compared with arranged marriages. By this I refer to the notion that given a love marriage couple’s willingness and ability to execute a “free choice” relationship to begin with, chances are that the individual and collective personality of the couple is probably less traditionalistic than an arranged marriage couple (who by virtue of being willing to undergo an arranged marriage, have shown some inherent willingness to conform to traditional cultural norms). This implies that most love marriage couples would probably be more “free agents” than their arranged marriage counterparts, and thereby possess a lower threshold of tolerance than the arranged marriage folk, and also a lower degree of willingness to “stay married” just to maintain cultural dignity. Certainly, among all my friends, I’ve noticed that the love marriage couples tend to be less “formal” in their relationship, than the arranged marriage couples.
I believe that the Idea of an arrange marriage is ugly to a lot of countries that have industrialized, but I know quite a few numbers of people who have done such. True it was hard at first for them, but they found that they truly love each other. This taking into account that I’m only looking at 10 cases. all friends of mine who had previously gone through divorces when they married for love. It seems that specially in the united states where Divorce has become the norm for most Americans. The term I learn from my friend veronica was “If your not happy move on!” has turn marriage into a joke. This is also happening in many other countries. Now! don’t get me wrong there are occasions were the woman is being a abuse thats a different case. A lot people say that woman are more widely abuse than men. But they fail to neglect that there is men who are abuse too. The issue is that men won’t report such for its the way men ( where the term machismo comes from) deal with such matters. I think arrange marriage and love marriage are both equally great if placed in the right scenario.
(Remember that Machismo is characterized in different levels)
1. level 0 is the basic acts of being a man and keeping equal respects towards a woman.
2. level 1 is basic machismo where the man believes he is the leader and main provider.
3. level 2 is becoming an extreme of that idea (This type of man can be abusive).
4. level 3 is the pure extreme of that Idea (men at this level are very abuse and manipulative).
(some say the most type of dangerous type of man)
(most of arrange marriage biggest fear is encountering a man who hits this form of Machismo)
most men who are abuse find themselves in level 0 or 1 as the safest type of personalities. This men as seen on the 10 cases I have studied are the most loving and care giving.
In my opinion both love marriage and arrange marriage are equally good in the right circumstances.
Hope u all enjoyed my opinion and if you disagree oh well.
i am a 21 year old pakistani women who has been arranged marriage but due to educational issues is not living with the spouse at this time. My concern is that i wont be able to completly be in love with my spouse due to the fact i have had prior relationship experience none that i am still attached to currently but just for reference, and my spouse hasnt so we have been given 9 month to get to know each other via phone and some sporatic meetings because he lives a distance from me. i just cant find myself loving him although i dont want to hurt his feelings i admit to loving him when he asks me. because of the culture do you believe that love will come naturally if i embark the journey with him? or will it remain loveless but married? if i sound confused its because i am! help me please!
Mashal, I don’t find your message confusing at all. It is clear that you are in a dilemma because you have not been given any time to develop love for your husband. I firmly believe that love can develop as long as you have forgotten your old one. – Nita
nita…i am confused as well ’cause i have heard a thing about eastern hemisphere female philosophy which says:
a woman loves only once!
dunno if it is brand propaganda ( i can definitely see the emerging young indian generation thinking differently) but a 21 yr old pakistani girl (a muslim) must have lived with the orthodox view as cited above?
That of course, as you rightly said, she might find a lot of change in her outlook if she lives together with her husband and forgets her ex-love. i think we need to give that a shot.
Vasudev, I have not heard of this eastern philosophy so I cannot comment on that. It depends on temperament. – Nita
thank you Nita i believe that love can come with time with my husband i just wanted an assurance from and outside view. wish me LUCK!
Best of luck Mashal and God be with you. – Nita
i FEEL THAT ARRANGED MARRIAGES HAVE CHANGED AND BECOME MODERN . NOWADAYS PEOPLE DECIDE AND PARENTS GIVE APPROVAL IN ARRANGED MARRIAGES ALSO. NO FUSS. SO ARRANGED MARRIAGES ARE BETTER BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE HAPPY. PARENTS ARE HAPPY, EVERYTHING IS OKAY.
PURE LOVE MARRIAGES NEVER WORK. PARENTS NEVER ACCEPT THE GIRL/BOY. RELATIONSHIPS GO SOUR. I HAVE SEEN THIS A LOT.
DIVORCES ARE IN BOTH BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS THOUGH. SO IF YOU WANT A SAFEKIND OF MARRIAGE THEN GO FOR THE MODERN ARRANGED MARRIAGE NOT THE OLD ONE. AVOID LOVE MARRIAGES.
I am like the arrange marriage. According to me. Arrange marriage is the best to life.
oh as i am jst of 15years so i dnt know much abut love but stil i say its better to have arrang mery
WE ARE INDIAN, INDIA HAVING GREAT COLTURE THAN WHAT ABOUT LOVE, IF LOVE MARRIGE IS SUSIDE THAN ARRENGE MARRIGE MURDER FROME OUR PARRENTS THAN MY FRIENDS THAN WE ACCEPTED OUR PARRENTS WISH ATLEAST THEY ARE HAPPY
Any marriage whether love or arranged requires compatibility of the emotional, mental and physical kind to be truly successful.
Any marriage wherein the two people mistake tolerance for love and respect and cling along in unfulfilling situations is nothing better than a farce. Whether you take six days or five years, figure out what you want and can give and lay this out with the other person- the answers may be suprisingly similar or otherwise and can be eyeopeners before making the choice.
We desis like to think that matching overall superficial factors like family, background education etc is good enough and the rest will follow but forget that all of the above do not gurantee similarity of thought and vision in terms of life. Parents also play the see-saw game wherein they want us to lead and succeed academically, be the best at it all but dont believe in our choices at the end of the day and think they know better. They have exposed you to the world and taught you the fundamentals so they need to accept that you will make reasonable choices and interfere only if it is strongly detrimental to the child i.e abusive relationships, criminal issues etc.
Lastly it is not possible to expect anyone to function without expectations, every generation has their own concerns and in ours both genders are exposed to the ways of the world early on. This means we all want and need certain things from our relationships and especially from a spouse so there is no reason to exclude mental/physical compatibility as “good to have” but not necessary kind of traits. Intimacy is essential to marriage and we need to change the desi idea that it is only sex.Aas someone who has been fortunate to meet the right man , I will say that happiness is multi-fold when both partners are satisfied emotionally and sexually and the respect becomes intrinsic to the relationship.
just read this and should say excellent post..!!
Thank you..
your welcome;0